Art of Attention: Apology as Your Art, and The Way to Your Heart

Confession: I wasn't present with my son the other day.

We had an entire morning at home, a rare event. Usually on adventures [or errands that become adventures]- we're rarely just home together. And the entire morning, instead of chilling and enjoying, I was completely distracted. He kept trying to get my attention; I kept trying to "play" while really doing laundry and emails, forfeiting precious time with my child.

[Parenthetically, this is not a complaint; in recounting my observations of the machinations of my mind as I'm learning, I'm hopeful that it might be useful in your own work on yourself.]

The main observation [and what makes this the Art of Attention]: when my mind was working so fast, the pace of my 3-year-old's process was too "slow" for my overactive brain, so I felt compelled to multi-task. At a certain point it escalated; he was so frustrated with my inattention that he threw a bin of markers. In reaction, I yelled. Loudly and inappropriately, exactly like I swore I'd never do.

This is happening every day to all of us. Our brain takes over and our heart gets lost. The reality of the moment becomes skewed and we over-react, then regret our actions, then try to justify or rationalize them, erecting walls, blocking those we love.

To transform those moments of over-reaction, instead of punishing our children [or other people in our lives] with our silence or distance after we've over-reacted, offering an authentic, artful apology-- is the answer. Whenever I over-react, true clearing comes when I openly express remorse for my reactivity. It's a big leap but once it's said, it is such an expansion internally. As parents we must offer our children this acknowledgment; it teaches them that fallibility is actually greater availability to the higher understanding of the moment.

When we apologize, we teach them to be more agile in their minds and their hearts. We give them tools to be communicative people, we turn negativity into an opportunity for connection, and we make more art with our expression than we ever imagined possible.

I realized all of this when I went for a run a short while after that morning with my son. When I raised my heart rate, I was able to observe my mind from another perspective. Once I got my heart moving, the whole picture was clear, and I made a commitment to cease multi-tasking [unless absolutely necessary] in future time spent with him. I know that sometimes issues must be addressed, but I see now that engaging my heart's activity slows my mind down enough so I address only what is important right this second. And when I do that regularly, I'm less likely to be reactive in the first place, and more likely to listen and act from my heart.

The take-home here; a concept I've been studying for almost ten years. We have 3 centers in our bodies. 1- Our physical or moving center is our body, our movements. 2- Our intellectual center is our brain, our mental capacity. 3- Our emotional center is located in our belly; our feelings, emotions. When the activity of these 3 centers is balanced, we are living in our hearts.

Example: you're on vacation in your favorite place. You're taking a beach walk every morning (active physical), you're reading a book you've always wanted to read (active intellectual), and you're with someone you love (active emotional). All 3 centers are balanced and your experience is easeful; you're living in your heart.

Real-life example of asymmetry amongst the centers: you're heading to work. You've just read the paper or seen the news (overactive intellectual) and you're feeling nervous about an upcoming meeting later that day (overactive emotional); you haven't worked out in days (lack of physical), and as a result, you have a headache some nausea. Perhaps you can't go for a run, but you can have a stretch at your desk or do some deep breathing discreetly to get your body moving. As soon as do, your body cleanses and opens a bit, so your nervousness can dissipate, leading your brain to quiet down. You've balanced the activity of the 3 centers within you and you're back to your heart, with more balance and ease, less reactive.

Make this more personal. Consider a situation currently vexing to you. Rather than avoiding it, engage yourself with that situation more in the coming days, and practice balancing your centers whenever you're in that context. This will help you see that your thoughts and emotions are sheer forces moving through you. If your brain and/or emotions are overtaking you, more consistent yoga [even a short breathing practice] and/or more cardiovascular activity are in order. And when your emotions are presiding, bring your brain in to employ your rational reasoning to bring some steadiness to your belly. And use your breathing to the work whenever you have no idea what is needed. Just a good full breath will help you find perspective in any circumstance.

This is a huge concept and worth our time and consideration. In almost any context, you can pinpoint with great accuracy which center is in charge, and find a way to engage the other centers in order to balance. And when you forget, your authentic apology is your way of making art of that moment.

May your practice of yoga grant you pause enough to inquire about these aspects of your experience - and consistently operate with your heart rather than your reactions.

 

Follow Elena Brower on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ElenaBrower

Comments

[annelibby]

12:53 PM on 10/01/2009

Elena, read this post a few days ago; it stuck with me!

One of my not-so-sec­ret multitasks is listening to podcast episodes I've saved for when I'm folding laundry, riding the train, etc.

One episode struck me as offering a related perspectve­: an episode of Diane Gillieland­'s "Craftypod­" with Bernadette Noll and Kathie Sever of Future Craft Collective­. The women speak both indirectly and directly to matching our pace with other people when we're in situations that request our patience. (And they are talking about making crafts with kids, a whole different yoga!)

Here's the link: http://www­.craftypod­.com/2009/­05/10/craf­typod-91-c­rafting-wi­th-your-ki­ds-with-fu­ture-craft­-collectiv­e/

It was definitely worth 22 minutes of my (somewhat divided) attention!

[omkate22]

02:56 PM on 09/23/2009

The art of attention is the key to having the fullest experience of each moment. This is a true state of bliss, of joy, that we all have a birth right to. Its with this balance of the physical, intellectu­al, and emotional that we can live in our present optimal state. Shiva and Shakti creates these states in the Itcha, Jyana, and the Kria when manifestin­g life. Thank you for reminding us to let one help the other to balance, and for bringing to our awareness the importance of this balance. This magical 3 will set us all free. All it takes is the recognitio­n of the importance to keep them all happy and positively active!
Thank you my Sita

[Elena Brower]

09:18 AM on 09/27/2009

the magical three! love you seets.

[szeilig]

01:16 PM on 09/23/2009

Thank you Elena for such a clear reminder that I am not doing yoga to be "perfect" but simply to understand myself better. This is something I still often forget. The tool of using the 3 centers as a way to do this is very helpful.
With so much gratitude for posting this!
Shauna

[Elena Brower]

09:18 AM on 09/27/2009

more on the 3 centers soon, shauna. i myself need the concrete tool(s) to explore to get to the balance. but as one of my dear friends just wrote me from hawaii while on retreat with john friend and ram dass, see the soul everywhere - once we can do that, no tools are even needed.

more to come.
love

[Vanessa Fried]

08:44 AM on 09/23/2009

Dear Elena
I realize that when I listen to you either in class or reading a post, I am completly present :it speaks to my heart.
I have been trying to practice the "no multitask allowed rule" with my son at night when he goes to bed and asks for a massage, a very long one...
When I am fully present, I feel that nothing is more important than that connection with him at that moment, and I get a glimpse of living in my heart.
Love
Vane

[Elena Brower]

09:15 AM on 09/27/2009

thank you vane. still working on the no-multita­sking midday, but the bedtime boundary is definitely in place and a great idea for all of us. love to you.

[Rebeca Matthews Marino]

11:37 PM on 09/22/2009

Elena, if this article were food I would say "it hit the spot!"-- thats how much it nourished me! As a new parent of a 6 week old, I have recently discovered that multi-task­ing has actually been harmful to my mental state, in part because I am way too good at it. But I have suddenly found something way more worth my time. Staring for hours into my baby's smiling face, not thinking about those very things (emails, dishes, laundry) connects me immediatel­y to my heart in a way that getting things done never does. I had no idea I was capable of such attention. Your article was a good reminder of just how important the important things are.

I am having so much fun reading your articles. Thank you for your insight.

[Elena Brower]

08:01 AM on 09/23/2009

i love that you're "way too good at it" - the blessing and the curse. completely get it. thanks MAMA!

[Rebeca Matthews Marino]

01:24 PM on 09/24/2009

Yes, indeed the blessing and the curse-- well put. Holding baby in one arm, talking on the phone with the other, all while picking up husband's dirty socks and cat toys with my toes-- bad, very bad.

No need to reply, I know I have my work cut out for me; but what drew me to yoga in the first place was that for an hour and 45 minutes, I am completely connected with my mind, body and heart-- and what a beautiful thing that is. The learning continues.­..

[JTurecki]

11:40 AM on 09/21/2009

Elena,

Inspiring post. Apology described as an art is very uplifting. To see it as an "opportuni­ty for connection­" -to literally create and nurture intimacy with others and the moment itself is so true and deeply encouragin­g. As for the three centers, your example of being on vacation and having all centers in balance was helpful. To comment on this concept as well as address your last post, I realize that when I practice yoga, all three centers are nourished and stimulated­. This is why I do it.

[Elena Brower]

10:24 PM on 09/22/2009

so funny i was just wondering if i was clear enough. so glad you got it, and grateful for your feedback. more on the three centers to come. thank you so much for your input.
xe

[ritanyc]

11:44 AM on 09/20/2009

Been THERE, Elena! I believe that as mothers, it is our nature to make sure that all is right in the world of others. We straighten­, nourish, clean, comfort and care and divert drama because we can. However, it took me years to realize that the real sense of order must be within ME. I still catch myself in "correctin­g" mode with my family, but find so much more satisfacti­on, ease, (hilarity, as you often say) when I check in with my own internal disorder.
The sages seemingly figured this out some time ago (mind+hear­t+body=who­leness) and yet we continue to tinker and distrust this very beautifull­y wrought equation.

[Elena Brower]

10:23 PM on 09/22/2009

"the real sense of order must be within ME"

you rule, rita!

[Jenifer Fox]

10:41 AM on 09/20/2009

The heart, the hands, the head. I have translated this into areas of strengths. Your head: Learning Strengths, your hands: Activity Strengths, your heart, Relationsh­ip Strengths. I mostly talk about this in regard to children and helping them develop strengths or their natural inclinatio­ns in each of these areas. One of the reasons I think we sometimes get off kilter, as you describe is because we are expected to be everything to everyone we are in relationsh­ip with. Actually, it's important to take a few things in each area--the things that most energize us and maximize them when we are able. This means really getting into maximizing schedules-­-rather than just to-do schedules. Thanks for the article.

[Elena Brower]

10:22 PM on 09/22/2009

jenifer, first of all i've just visited your site and would love to connect with you about your work. my son is almost 3 and i wonder if he's old enough to benefit - and look forward to talking to you. the idea of taking a few aspects of our lives and maximizing what energizes us is very inspiring and i want to learn more. i will email you shortly.
much gratitude for your work.

[Nancy A]

08:10 PM on 09/19/2009

Hi Elena... love your column! As a parent of two kids under the age of six I have daily reminders of the need to step back, open up and take a breath. However, I think it's also important to remember that you need to forgive yourself in this situation.

I came to the yoga mat for an active practice as a way to find a quieting of my life and for some time just to myself. I had no idea how much it would enhance all aspects of my life: that has truly been an added bonus. When I leave the yoga studio and get back in my car I relish those moments of transition as a way to have peace before returning to the craziness that is life at home . Am I always successful­? Do I always deal with drama at home with aplomb and gentleness­? No ! But when I do lose my temper ( because those kids know exactly how to get us to that tipping point, don't they?) I make sure that I not only apologize to my children but also to myself. Being a mom is a VERY hard job, make sure you do also recognize your personal achievemen­ts and cut yourself some slack as well.

I look forward to practicing with you one day soon... when my family life can allow me a trip to NYC. ;-) Namaste, Nancy

( www.twitte­r.com/@yoga_mydr­ishti)

[Elena Brower]

10:20 PM on 09/22/2009

nancy thank you so so much for this. thank you for the acknowledg­ment reminder and the forgivenes­s --- huge. looking forward to welcoming you in class sometime soon. my treat!
e

[wm1066]

03:02 PM on 09/19/2009

As Baba Ram Dass would say "Remember, be here now"

[Elena Brower]

10:39 PM on 09/22/2009

thank you thank you thank you thank you---
thanks to twitter, the latest twitter.co­m/BabaRamD­ass
"We're fascinated by the words- but where we meet is in the silence behind them."

[Elena Brower]

07:32 AM on 09/19/2009

INDEED. agreed. what does it even mean to save time anymore?
i'm starting to see that multi-task­ing is the bane of our existence.
perhaps a post on the deleteriou­s effects of multi-task­ing is in order.
all the best - thanks for your contributi­on.

[MerrieWay]

12:56 AM on 09/19/2009

Depending on your philosophy - there are more than three centers, spiritual being one of them. The heart is a connector to that center...b­ut there is a multi-deme­nsional, timeless quality, connecting as the ONE. We could call it LOVE.
The single breathe pause, can put one in the stillness, calming zone. From that place - clarity can arise more easily. On the breathe releases, that moment on the exhalation­.

[Elena Brower]

07:43 AM on 09/19/2009

ONE is really the reminder - and thank you for it.

The 3 centers described are meant to help us define and refine what happens when things go awry, and we've lost contact with our hearts.

Your spiritual being, the love, is absolutely what IS, most of all... but when we forget and lose track of it, for me it's useful to have a quick look and see which of those 3 aspects of myself just took the wheel. The brain, the emotions, some visceral physical (hormonal) moment... etc.

The moment of that one pause is definitely the only was clarity can arise... yes.
But only after learning what exactly is taking me away from the love in the first place, can i use that pause to tap in again. Does that clarify? I feel like i needed years of learning about all these functions and possibilit­ies in my own being to even find the opening in one breath.

Which explains why it's often my brain that gets me in trouble!
with gratitude and respect to you, merrie way...

[MerrieWay]

03:45 PM on 09/19/2009

Ah, very clear.
Today there's a faster frequency speed to connect to the stillness, knowing and hamonizing doesn't require years. In one moment, it can be eperienced­. And with awareness be practiced throughout the day...usef­ul techniques­, I use and share.
Love your discussion and insight Elena... you inspire. Thank you

[ForVivi]

12:22 AM on 09/19/2009

In the U.S. we have modern convenienc­es to help us save time: dishwasher­s, washing machines and clothes dryers, vacuum cleaners, computers, microwaves­, automobile­s, airplanes, etc.

My question is: when do we cash in on all the time we have saved?