Love really is a state of equality consciousness: no speculation, no assumptions or opinions. Love is happening when we're relating, directly, to what is happening. Lately I've been learning how to relate directly to my life rather than through my memories or expectations. I'm actively rooting out my expressions of anger by paying $1 for every doubting thought. My anger, I've realized, is just sad doubt which, unchecked, morphs into aggression. I'm averaging about two bucks per day, down from about eight at the beginning, then two weeks later down to four or five per day. Not bad.
While at first it was annoying and mildly horrifying, it's funny to label them now. There's the doubt that I'm good enough at anything, or the one where my boyfriend might leave, or that one about what a mediocre teacher I am, or what a shitty mama I'm being. (Note: Those of you who know and love me, I know the doubts are untrue, but there they are, again and again.) I'm thrilled by the prospect of getting deeper into the process of seeing it all so clearly and plainly in order to ultimately clear them out of my world.
So presumably because of all this detailed work, these days I'm hearing myself angry in my dreams, calling people names out of fear that they will leave me or wrong me. Strangest bit is that I always get the "do-over" in my dreams; I somehow get to literally pause, rewind and rewrite the scene now. (Note: I do this with my son a lot, offer him the "do-over" so he can have a second chance to do the right thing, before I get that angry face going. What a revolution that has been for both of us.) It's incredible. I awaken from those dreams refreshed, reset, rewired.
Which brings me to the potentiality with which we are playing now. Remapping our minds.
Firstly, with the assignment of seeing each doubting thought (bless you Beth Weissenberger), we can become true masters of our minds and authors of our lives. In real time. Excruciating initially, this really does feel like a victory within myself when I open up that memo in my phone and note those thoughts each day. Beth says to go for six weeks in order to reboot the system. I'm nearing the end of week four.
Secondly, that potential "reboot" is actually the exhilarating possibility of re-mapping our brains. Meditation is a key aspect of this, and with even short meditations plus assiduous observation of those debilitating thoughts, our brains literally re-map themselves. With this we really do find more space, clarity and consciousness. We really do have longer-term, more healing experiences of love. May we all stay in love -- in direct relationship to the crazy wisdom of this present moment.
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