Funky to Fabulous: Have Politics Damaged Your Relationships?

A woman from Tennessee told of her friend being murdered in church because he was a Liberal. Another woman in a Red State talked about being publicly jeered by her family members. These comments from last week's post impacted me deeply.

Have you or someone you know been savaged by partisan politics?

Here are what other HuffPo readers said:

"I live in the South---in a solid red state...A man came into a local liberal church and shot a man I knew to death because he was mad at liberals.

He said he wanted to shoot Obama but knew he couldn't get close enough so he decided to shoot his supporters.

This happened at the Unitarian Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. He killed a person I really liked--Greg McKendry. He also shot a woman I didn't know who was visiting the church. This is a church my 16-year old autistic daughter visits- they are very kind to her (some people aren't so nice). They have a gay-friendly environment, though, and that is why this guy zeroed in on them. Best not to even talk about it with a Republican." - Pickwickianmom

(Related: Tennessee man cites church's liberal values as reason for shooting...)

"How sad that those of us who supported Obama are more afraid of people who voted for the Republican candidate than we are of any outside force." - Libbydoe

"The trouble is actually finding decent republicans. I would have denied to the death the thought that my in-laws would treat me badly, but I left my husband's family after they jeered at my political beliefs in a public place, openly guffawing at me- and this despite the fact that my husband and I have been married over 30 years." - Ivyfree

Coffee and Calling On My Higher Nature
What would I do if any of those situations had happened in my family? "When did hate become a family value?" was the question that plagued me. My heart started pounding just thinking of hearing gun shots while I was sitting in church. Could I really have compassion for Jim D Adkisson, the Tennessee gunman? Would I put up with in laws that called me a traitor and terrorist sympathizer? The answer was simple. No way.

Yet, I have a pull to encourage myself and others to heal these internal and external divides. I struggled and stared at my computer screen... My deadline was looming so, I took the obvious next step. I got up to make a cup of coffee. As I stood up the small sign that sits next to my calendar gleamed as if a spotlight had just hit it.

"I am sharing God's loving."

Was it odd or was it God? Ah ha! It was my roadmap. I know it isn't very spiritual of me, but I have always had a tough time with the concept of forgiveness. Maybe I missed that day in Sunday School. Forgiveness seemed that it was engineered for mung bean ashram residents and not red meat eaters like me. It came naturally for the Dali Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mother Theresa, but was too big a leap for a mere mortal like me. As my ex-husband would tell you, I came factory-loaded with a very wide vindictive streak.

Maybe I am not a forgiveness pro yet, but I can give love. To heal these divisions I see both internally and externally that it will take something bigger than my personal agenda. The Great Good's Love is just that. As we rebuild our nation, you and I are called to give love- even to those that "don't deserve it". Let's make the simple act of sharing love our new family value.

*** Ask Eli a question at [e-mail] or go to www.elidavidson.com to tell Eli all about how your family dealt with the political divide.

Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized woman's executive coach and motivational speaker.

Her book, Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for The Savvy, Sassy and Swamped, (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards.

Comments

[Britwatcher]

When I was a child in Greenville, S. C. my mom would take me shopping to the local Sears store. The water fountains were a great source of interest to me: one marked "Whites" and the other marked "Colored". When I asked my mom why there were two fountains, she told me that "colored people have different germs from us". Throughout my childhood I was fed a steady diet of racist doctrine by both parents who knew no better. No educator in my entire public school experience ever discussed diversity or tolerance. Thats just how it was in South Carolina during the 50's and 60's. I watched coverage of the Civil Rights marches on TV in 1963 and begain to openly question the rationale for racism. I decided in my mid-teens that racism was stopping with me. I became a Democrat. And my relationship with my parents has never been the same.

[Wolf Larsen]

You can overcome ignorance only with knowledge......you can never overcome stupidity. It is a choice that defies logic, empirical evidence and rational thought.

Those that chose it are not trying to fathom anything because in their mind everything is proven. A static belief system with an unyielding worldview of absurdity and irrationality where people are reduced to stereotypes and the world is seen starkly in black and white.

You cannot teach a closed mind.....anymore then you can breath life into a long dead flower.

[gurukalehuru]

I'm saddened by all of the stories of family infighting, but...
if a friendship with a Republican ends, can that really be called damage? I call it progress.

[LMPE]

One of my mom's brothers came to town for my college graduation in May, 2006. After my mom mentioned Hurricane Katrina, he insisted that the people who perished were a bunch of crack addicts. He also refuses to go to Europe because "they're socialists". He refuses to believe that Cuba has a higher literacy rate than the US, and won't look at the UN data because the UN is "a bunch of socialists". According to this man, FOX News is the only organization that gives you both sides of the story.

My mom's other brother gets all his news from Rush Limbaugh, and still uses the N word to refer to African-Americans.

I assume that both brothers feel as if Satan himself has taken over.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

It is hard to imagine that there are those that live in that level of ignorance. Wow, if they believe only Fox gives unbiased reporting, there may not be much to say to them,

[ConfuciusSay-]

It's really difficult to communicate with a few people who are religious or racist, & Fox watchers, of late. But then, that has always been the case.

It's easiest to just avoid politics completely as a topic, and just do the normal transactions in as neutral a manner as possible. Some people just cannot cope with reality.

Imagine if you(the Republican) suddenly knew that your support for the oil industry was helping destroy the planet. That no miracle would save it. That your soft lifestyle has to change. That other people are humans just like you- your superiority is a myth.

See? It would be jarring. Painful.
Easier to deny everything, and listen to Hannity blame somebody else.

[LiberalBuzz]

Actually no.

The only real disagreement was with a former girlfriend over Prop 8 and she and I had not talked about it before hand because I (wrongly as it turns out) thought she was going to vote no since we agreed on all the other issued from prez down to local props.

She cited her religious beliefs but after a good half hour of doing what I hoped was a rational explanation of what the difference between ruling because of religious intolerance vs what it means to other people strictly on a civil rights and NON religious way, she actually apologized and wished we had talked about it before the vote.

I will be the first to say one vote would have made no difference but maybe....just maybe if more people had brought it up....well who knows.

But I have a couple of honest go God Redneck friends in Ohio and we had some pretty heated discussions before the election but still remain good friends (maybe owning muscles cars from the early 70's is more of a cement than one would have thought :-) )

[goddess1871]

My entire side of the family are a bunch of rabid repubs, and up until this election cycle all took great joy in letting me know that they were cancelling out my vote.

When W won in 04, my mother evidently decided it was time to "explain" to me about how the only thing W really wanted was to end late-term abortions, because obviously anyone who needed one was a w***re and was too lazy to get an early-term abortion. One hot-button issue led to another, and eventually my mother wanted to know if the reason I defend the right to an abortion was because I had had one in high school, thus essentially calling me a w***re. We didn't talk for about a year and a half after that, and thus we NEVER discuss politics at all (I haven't said ONE WORD about Obama to her). I just know that whatever lies are spewed on Fox News is God's spoken truth to her, my grandmother, and everyone else in my family, and while I can plant little seeds of doubt here and there while very heavily cloaking my true intentions, my relationship with my family, and certainly my mother, will never be the same.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I acknowledge your having the courage to speak up and defend the right to choose- even though it flew in the face of your mother's views. Your family sounds like they could use some of your loving.

[hopefulinflorida]

I have another friend from Indiana who was a McCain supporter. She kept emailing me those hate mail lies about Obama, I told her to stop spreading the lies and hate, especially to me, who worked on Obamas campaign. When Obama won, she said she liked his speech, but is afraid she's going to lose everything she worked hard for all her life. It's amazing how willingly they believe the hate propaganda. I just said, well, you and I are different, the people have spoken and you will see. They all think Obama is going to raid their piggy banks or something.

[hopefulinflorida]

It's really hard to keep a friendship when your views are so opposite. I have a friend who was originally from Alabama, I knew she had racist tendencies, but she said knowing me made her a better person. Until Obama was winning and she said, "I don't want that n--- in the white house" I couldn't help myself, I called her a white racist cracker, she hung up on me and we haven't spoken since, that was 4 months ago. She probably lost her mind when Obama won. I am so thrilled that he won and I think this country will be better for it, Maybe the haters will turn around. You never know.

[Topfeeder]

Make some new friends. You are better than that, better than associating with that.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I hope that we can band together to hang onto our higher natures and hold a place in our hearts for people to open up their own hearts to see past the color of someone's skin.

[Thinkingclearly]

I believe that the genie is out of the bottle. Rupert Murdoch and Fox Talk Radio and Fox TV are the source of a lot of the hatred. I would put Sean Hannity at the very top of the list for the non-stop Obama-bashing. Then add Rush and Michael Savage. Then add in those mysterious emails that started in the primaries and continued through the general election -- our country has been set against itself.

Every day I put up with a new nasty joke about Barack from my two redneck (though college-educated) roommates.

At church, people give me curious looks and two came out and said they couldn't believe I would support Obama.

Where do we go to get America back? People who believe themselves to be Christians don't think twice about forwarding the latest mysterious email filled with lies and slander.

Outside of Abraham Lincoln, I can't think of any president who had to deal with so much slander and opposition just to get the office--but with our media, it's going to be such an uphill grind.

[Khanate]

I'm a lefty, my best friend is a righty. We have lobbed verbal molotov cocktails
at each other for about four months. Both of us threw away critical thinking skills
in favor of hateful comments. Now the relationship is damaged.
It aint worth it gang.

[ptillen]

I'm in the same boat as you. I have worked my tail off to stay above the fray, speak with maturity and grace, and avoid the situation you've decribed.
Here's what she said to me- "I hate that Obama and his reprobate family. He stole the election. I can't believe that you could be so stupid as to support him. I'm going to do everything in my power to trash him, so you people will know what we've been going through for the past eight years."
I don't even know how to answer that. It makes me feel sick just to think about her vitriol. I can hardly even look her in the face right now.
I'd like to think that we could just disagree cordially, but so far it's not happening. Either we're going to have to agree to never discuss current events again, or...what?

[littlepuffycloud]

Same here..I was accused of hating America by our best friends of 10 years, when I said 'BUsh was going to drag us into another war' before he invaded Iraq in 03. I was in shock when other 'friends' called Michael Moore a pig when Farenheit 9/11 came out. These same friends now say they are 'scared' of 'my candidate'. They refused to say President elect Obama's name. These are the same people who think Ronald Reagan ended the cold war. My husband and I have let it sink in that we look at the world totally different. We doubt the friendship will survive and really don't care anymore.

[MarkBoston]

two years ago, I was talking with a friend of almost 20 years while at a 4th of July party that she and her husband were throwing. My friends are rather wealthy republicans ( my only republican friendship ). All was going well until gay marriage came up. I am a gay man who lives in Massachusetts and fought very hard for our rights being noticed and passed. My friend Debbie who has many gay friends and has always welcomed Me as a family friend into their home for years ... looked at Me and said that the state needed to " let the people vote" . This was the mantra the bigots were screaming at the state house as they were attempting to marginalize Me as a human being. ...... I was in shock. I said excuse Me ?? and she kept insisting that The PEOPLE had a right to be heard on the subject. I felt at that moment that she did not see Me as her equal but as her pet . welcome into her idea of the main fold as long as we keep quiet and did as we are told. ... Needless to say, that was the end of that friendship.

[sonoffestus]

Mark, as a straight married guy, I support your right to marriage. Next time, tell your "friend" that the people already spoke. It was called the Constitution of the United States. Unfortunately, many Americans are just plain ignorant, and live in fear. I grew up outside of Boston. At one time, Catholics could not apply for a job at some businesses. In some schools they couldn't play varsity sports. Can you imagine if they were not allowed to marry. Discrimination is an ugly thing. Keep fighting, I will be there supporting ALL of humanity on this one.

[LiberalBuzz]

That is a shame. Maybe you should talk to her anyway and try to explain that just because the people "vote" does not mean they are right. It's called mob mentality. The Founding Fathers specifically designed the Constitution with it's checks and balances between the three branches to protect the minority from the Tyranny of the majority.

Ask her if she thought that the majority of voters in the past who believed that blacks should not be free were right,, that a majority thought women should not be allowed to vote were right, if the majority of voters who thought blacks and whites should not be taught in the same schools were right, and that a majority thought that interracial couples should be against the law were right.

Those were all issues that had the voters been allowed to make that law that could not be challenged this would be a far different world than it is now..

[metahead]

Every election cycle, the divide and conquer crowd trot out some new lies to get fearful people to vote against their own best interest and the best interest of the country. Critical thinking should be a mandatory course is grammar school. I don't know what can be done for these people. Almost half of the country voted in fear and hatred.

My brother-in-law, a rich Republican, asked my partner of seventeen years, how she could remain with someone who would vote for people who will take away his money.

My mother said to my sister that she didn't vote for the n-word. My sister who is raising a biracial grandchild was absolutely appalled and hurt by this comment and the ignorance behind it.

I'm as spiritual as the next person, but I find it impossible to forgive this kind of thing, especially when they remain unrepentant, sticking to their talking points. As far as biting our tongues, isn't that how they took control and held it for 8 miserable years. We are still in the middle of a battle for the spirit of this country. The old saying, "its better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" comes to mind. No more silence. Don't let them get away with anything. They're not going to stop. Look at Palin.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for sharing these experiences that would be hard to even imagine. One reason I wrote this post was to shine the light on this sort of "un-American" behavior.

We aren't silent. That is why we are blogging.

I hope that you will share this with your friends. As we speak up I believe that we can reclaim our voice.

[walk0nwalls]

As I've come across these people I've just come to the conclusion that "you can't save everybody".

Some people just don't change. Some people just can't be changed no matter how much you try and that's nobody's fault but the way the world works. The fact is, this is a divided country. Ever since the right has appropriated the victimhood rhetoric of Nixon era politics each side has laid claim to being the oppressed minority. The fact of the matter is I just think that some people value their faith more than ever possibly raising themselves out of some kind of economic squalor. The brilliance and tragedy of the GOP strategy is they cast themselves as religious leaders: Republicans are the one true followers, no one else is king.

But this leads to strife, this leads to war, this leads to people that I can't help but walk away from because if I didn't walk away I'd probably tear their throats open.

You just can't change some people. And we're just going to have to talk to our friends, family, and neighbors who can and will listen but as for those who follow these things, I just can't find the time or energy to try and convert lead into gold.

[kellygrrrl]

Media Matters re the Effect of Talk Radio

http://mediamatters.org/items/200811130002