Funky To Fabulous: How To Stop Self Sabotage
Clara grabbed me at a conference last week in San Diego. Her eyes glassy with panic. The story she told me sums up the "Anatomy of Self Sabotage." Here's how it works:
Step One: The Improbable Dream Syndrome. Clara heard the buzz about someone from her college class. The news was that a woman had started an Internet company- banked 3.4 million dollars, gotten married, pregnant and started a non-profit for at risk teens in just five years. Clara had compared herself to that classmate and come out on the losing end. She assigned herself an Improbable Task: "I can start a new business and be profitable- fast! I will make eight hours of sales calls every day."
Step Two: The "I Suck At This" Syndrome. When you decree overbearing expectations, you are setting the stage for yourself to fail. It takes time to learn new skills and develop new habits, yet many of us demand instant results.
Clara had been in IT for twelve years. Even though she had never made a sales call in her life, her plan was to sell a certain quantity of her proprietary software each week. "Sure, I don't have training in sales- but how tough can it be?" she thought. She began her sales calls Christmas week and was deeply disappointed that in three weeks she had not made any sales. The Criticism Committee in Clara's head had grabbed the microphone and shouted, "I can't, I suck, and I might as well give up." That negative mindset made it impossible for her to pick up the phone and call any other prospects.
Step Three: The "Oh, Screw It" Syndrome. "Why bother? I can't sell anything. I might as well give up and go and try and find a job." Instead of doing sales calls she was on Facebook for much of the day. It may sound a bit silly that a person would give up their dream of owning their own business after one month, but it is not that uncommon.
Self-Sabotage Antidote: Step One: Get Real
*One of the best ways to be of service to yourself and others is to make small goals and achieve them.
*Being part of a supportive community is a key component in dismantling failure.
*Write down your goals and find a buddy or group to help you make sure that your goals are realistic.
Step Two: Turn Down The Criticism Committee
* Ask yourself the following: "Am I doing the best I can?" (The answer is probably yes.) "Can I be more compassionate with myself?" (The answer is probably yes.) "Is there someone that I can ask for help?" (The answer is probably yes.)
Step Three: Just Do It
* It's harder to say, "Oh, screw it!" or spend your day on Facebook if you are accountable to others.
* Just do it. Set realistic goals and check in with at least one person daily to make sure that you are on track.
Are you ready to get out of the way and let your dreams have a say? Email Eli at info@elidavidson.com or go to www.elidavidson.com today. Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized executive coach and motivational speaker. Her book, "Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for The Savvy, Sassy and Swamped", (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards. Eli is a reinvention catalyst, who can transform your professional and personal life from Funky to Fabulous with her ten, trademarked Turnaround Techniques that create rapid and remarkable results.
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Now, my thoughts go to the $18 billion that were paid out as bonuses to the guys that crafted the bonehead deals that got us into this mess.
We saw that public outcry got the $1.2 million spent on office redecoration repaid. Why not use the same procedure to get our money back?
Get executives:
Name
Bonus Amount
Photo
Email
We can begin a campaign to serve our nation, by recovering some of our bailout money.
See Anne Naylor's Profile
Dear Eli
Your post touches me because I know there are people who give up on themselves and their lives and I cannot help but feel sad when that happens.
To be able to transform patterns of self-sabotage is a lovely gift.
Thank you for raising this issue - and solution - to my awareness!
With love and blessings to you,
Anne
I have never figured out why I've always messed everything up, been thinking about this post for the last half hour because it hit me; I'm always so unrealistic in my expectations of myself, then I don't reach them, then I give up.
Also, I always for some reason I can't explain, seem to purposely sabotage myself. Even if something I want is handed to me on a plate, I go out of my way to destroy it. I convince myself that I can't do it and refuse to even try. No idea why.
Hi Ailbhe,
I think we all sabotage ourselves with unrealistic expectations in this culture.
I sure do.
When my book came out I was dead set on it being a NY Times Bestseller. Who cared if I had never written a book (or even an article), had no idea about marketing or the book business?!? I drove myself crazy by getting google alerts of Marci Shimoff (Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul). I compared myself with her daily...an
I won 3 national book award, was on The Today Show, Dr. Phil's Decision House and now have the honor of having a column here at HP. Looking back at the last year, I think I could have been more grateful with what came forward instead of looking at what I hadn't achieved.
Eli- This is great! It make so much sense and reminds me to stay focused and not sabotage myself every single day. I am working on losing the "I suck at this syndrome" and through you I have learned to embrace the power of positive thinking and what an incredible difference it can make in not only my own life but all of those around me.
Keep smiling :-)
Ryan
Thanks so, so much Ryan!
Great article. I am an epitome of a self saboteering person. I have copied this article into so I can read it everyday. It'll certainly help me calm the slef (disruptive) chatter I carry in my head all day.
Thanks
Dear Tokesan,
Please keep me in the loop. I hope that you will stay in touch, so that I hear how you are doing with The Antidote. I'll be sharing more Turnaround Techniques in coming weeks.
It means so much to me that this is helpful to you.
Thank you!
Oh my word, this was a complete SUMMARY of my doctoral work! Even though I should be patting myself on the back that I'm ABD now and should finish the dissertation by December (if not sooner), I'm still blown away by the ones that finished exams and dissertation within a year.... barring the fact that at my school, it was the unspoken rule that you present yourself as naturally brilliant and NEVER let anyone see your weaknesses. Nice to know that I'm not the only person in the world who suffers from this! Thanks!
GODDESS!!!!
Wow, I would love to hear more about your doctoral work.
Please let me know more. I appreciate the important mission you are on.
Be YOUR Fabulous,
Eli
I really needed to read this post. Had to remind myself of the no criticism and to Just Do It!
Thanks so much!
Brilliant and exactly what I needed this afternoon Eli.
Thank you for sharing your insights and strategies. They are inspired, and inspiring. And, as always, your post makes a rich full life look achievable and not some herculean task to be avoided.
Thank you,
Brendan
HI Brendan,
I love your analogy about our very hectic pace.
" a rich full life look achievable and not some herculean task to be avoided." Your comment reminds me to slow down, take a deep breath and do just one thing at a time.
Thanks again for sharing!
Eli
These are nothing new.
Ever so true!
I am merely a worker among workers. I'd love to hear any of your ideas.
Be Your Fabulous,
Eli Davidson
I love this weeks post Eli! So many people do this and what great tips for Americans to get real!
Hi Eli,
Ahhhh yes! The old "self sabotage" game.
My favorite one always used to be this conversation: "99% is good enough". Therefore, I never crossed the finish line, and wondered why. I always felt terminally incomplete yet resented those who actually went 100% and got to their goal.
Now I see the entire game is what takes place between 99%and 100%. Whatever unexamined beliefs still reside there, will always trip me up. It's good to know where to look! Doing something about it is another story. I still haven't written my book, so I can see there's more work to do!
This is such an important conversation for people to be having. Thanks for bringing it forward.
Love,
Judith
Hi Judith,
About that book Judith...y
Let me get up on a Sasha sized soap box.
I, Eli Davidson, am begging you to write that book. Our world needs the warm, loving embrace of your consciousness.
Don't you hear the roar of the crowd?!
I do!
Your Fan,
Eli
I love this!! I'm sensing that our posts are very complimentary this week! How cool!
Thanks and Light ahead!
Jason
Wow!
I love that we both tuned into the same channel for this week's post!
What a treat to get to know your wonderful work!
Love and Light,
Eli
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