Why are you so hard on yourself? Over the last two weeks I've been exploring this.
What can you do about it? A lot.
The opposite of Perfectionitis is what researchers call "healthy striving." Studies show that healthy strivers set realistic goals that are the natural next step from where they are now. You can too! Go ahead and way you can work smarter, not harder.
Not only that. You get to acknowledge yourself for completing each step along the way. That adds up to a lot of positive internal reinforcement. The more often you declare something done and done well, the more you build your self-image as someone savvy and successful. And that feels great. Instead of rewarding yourself only when you reach the mondo outcome, you savor the delights of the journey. Since it's a pretty fab expedition, you take the flubs and toe stubs into account as part of the adventure.
Stop "Shoulding" On Yourself
Healthy striving goes along with healthy self-esteem. And when your self-esteem is alive and well, you tend to live from the inside out. You "pick a game you can win," as my friend Kathryn Allen says. You go for things that have juice for you inside and are attainable outside. You pay attention to the smarts inside of you. You let go of the "shoulds" and let the dreams of your heart have a say. When you do, you can't help but take better care of you. And, miracle of miracles, you cut yourself some slack and others too.
Contentment can't tell the difference between a Cadillac and a Camry.
Sounds like the perfect way to live? Are you beating yourself up because these three paragraphs don't seem to describe you? Watch out. Perfectionitis may be infecting the way you read this. It's easy to be a perfectionist about not having Perfectionitis! But there's an antidote. Read on.
The good news is that no one is unblemished. As far as I can tell, there isn't a single perfect person on the planet. Everyone has zits or cellulite or both. Everyone gets angry and disappointed. There isn't a person around that doesn't have some weird quirk or secret they'd probably prefer to keep to themselves. Hallelujah! Those vulnerabilities make each of us unique and even more lovable.
There are no perfect people. Everyone has zits or cellulite or both.
Eli Davidson
Who would want to live in a world of Stepford Wives? Not me. So why not give yourself a little break today? Let whatever isn't as good as you want it to be, be okay. Take a few minutes to let yourself just be. Be fab. Just as you are.dream big. Then lay out a set of reasonable steps that
Treatment: The Get a Life Game
Now it's time to kick off your Perfectionitis treatment plan.
Pick one or two of the the following items. Do it for three days and watch yourPerfectionitis. subside.
Please don't try to do this perfectly ... small steps are the surest way to succeed.
1. Center Yourself. Take in three deep breaths of tenderness. Let out three deep breaths of fatigue. Brava! You just took a step toward replenishing yourself. Way to go!
2. Ask for the Greater Good. As Mayor, take a moment and claim your office, and ask that your choices that are aligned with the highest good for all concerned.
3. Set Your Intention. Set the intention to be gentle with yourself and to honor all of you.
4. Just Say No. Take a look at what's on your schedule. Write down what you plan to get done today. How much time have you marked out for each item? Double it. Stuff takes longer than you think. What items on your list need to be removed? Say no to those tasks and renegotiate their timeline. Dr. Andrew Jacobs, one of the country's top sports psychologists, has helped many champions cultivate the mental attitudes that make them winners. He suggests to clients, "Learn to say no. Learn to let go."
5. Get Real. That's not all. Where is your You Time? If you don't schedule in time for yourself, who will? As Mayor, plan a recess break of at least 15 minutes. And make sure you keep it.
6. Get Really Real. Take a peep at your To Do List. Are your goals realistic? Or would you need to clone yourself to get everything done? Take a tip from my friend David Allen. Make a Maybe Someday List of those items you'd like to get to but can't at the moment. Check your Maybe Someday List weekly to see if the status has changed.
7. Get Really, Really Real. Stop being the Lone Ranger. Pick up the phone. Ask for help or advice. You probably have a pal who excels in an area that isn't your best.
8. Keep It Real. Sharing support is a sure sign of being in Perfectionitis recovery. There is nothing like pairing up with somebody to help you get real. Check in with each other. Having a buddy will help you to keep your commitment to take care of you while setting more realistic goals.
9. Praise and Prize. Congratulate yourself often. Even for the silly little things. " Boy, what a good job of flossing I did today." "Bravo, that was a superb meal I prepared for the cat." The more you praise yourself, the less you will be driven to seek praise from others.
10. Thank Yourself. Thank yourself for making any fabulous choice to take back your life.
What have you done to stop being hard on yourself? Please share your tips and tricks with us!
* Excerpted from Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for The Savvy, Sassy
and Swamped (Oak Grove Press) with permission.
You can receive notice of my blogs by checking Become a Fan at the top. Ask Eli a question at info@elidavidson.com or go to www.elidavidson.com today.
Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized motivational speaker and executive coach. Her book, Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for the Savvy, Sassy and Swamped, (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards. Eli is a reinvention catalyst, who can transform your professional and personal life from Funky to Fabulous with her 10 trademarked Turnaround Techniques that create rapid and remarkable results. Check out her blog at http://funkytofabulous.blogspot.com/
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I'm in the midst of final exams for the school year which is always a time of self-refle
Thanks, Eli!
You
made
my
day. You, yes, you cthi, are the very exact person that I am writing for. It means so much to me that I could help lift a "school" weight off your shoulders.
Please let me know how things are going!
Your Fan,
Eli Davidson
I see Ed and Deb at least once a week at one of places I work
Greg
You and Ed just made my day!!!!
Let's have some fun with Ed. Could you figure out a way to give him a big old hug? It would be such fun to surprise him. I so appreciate you! Let's stay in touch my friend. Your Fan, Eli
I have a gift from Eli to give to you and then give the hug. Hugs back to you. Your Fan. Greg
Go to http://the
I can relate so much due to the fact that I "should" myself to death and always end up guilty, was raised Catholic so I expect myself to always be as perfect and "saintly" -- just another way to feel guilty.
Thanks for letting me free myself up a little. I have to remember those nuns aren't standing over me anymore, and that it's my life. Time to take it back.
Gosh, I am half Quaker and half Jewish and I try to be saintly. It seems that they put the "Perfectio
I love what you said about the nuns not standing over you any more. Please stay in touch so that I can hear how taking your life back is going!
Love,
Eli
I use to play a game with myself. I could have 1 million dollars or be perfect.
I almost always chose perfect.
Boy, do I relate. This post was excerpted from a chapter from my book, Funky to Fabulous. It was by far the hardest to write. It was so painful because I spent so many years not living up to unrealisti
Hang in there. Please share what you are doing and how you are transformi
BTW what a brilliant idea to play that game with yourself.
Please come back and share more!
Eli
As I've shared perfection kept me stuck for years. I hope many people read and take heed of tips in your article. You are an example of someone whose words and actions are in alignment. Bravo!
Jan
Thank you so, so, so much. We have known each other for many years, so your comment is one that I treasure. It certainly my intention to have my words and actions align with the Great Good of Spirit. You have been a role model for me as someone that serves out of your unconditio
What a joy to be on this journey with you.
All My Love,
Eli
Many thanks for this great article. The only thing I'd add is to start with the 'thank you' step. That's what's helped me the most, and it is a life-long issue for we achiever-p
You are the best,
Cara
Say thank you first. Just like the concept of eating dessert first.
There is a tool for a happy life: thank you to yourself and others first.
Brilliant as always.
The active stillness of art, gardening or communion with nature, and meditation (which is very active to me) are also huge keys in being gentle with ourselves. I find the same experience with painting. It is an experience of finding that my 'mistakes' lead me to something far better than I had planned. What a great analogy for life!
I adore YOU,
Eli
1. Happiness is a present moment experience
2. You examine the situation, you make your best choice, and you take your chances. If it doesn't work out, then you try something else. But if it DOES work out, then you let the other choices go. It's kind of like the old David Brenner joke about always finding your car keys in "the last place you looked." Hey, nobody keeps looking for their keys after they find them. There is no could've or should've been.
3. Trust is a lot like teaching your kid to drive. You need to give the kid a chance to actually drive the car. Because, at some point, you have to take a leap of faith and trust that they're not going to drive the car off the road. Unfortunat
What a great addition! Thanks so much for sharing your perspectiv
The more I dive into the symbol of what you are saying the more profound it is. Thanks again for sharing it!
I hope that you will continue to share your additions in the future!
Eli
What a healing message you give to us. I read this on Saturday morning as I plan a no-plan day ahead of natural perfection
To stop being hard on myself? Be aware of when I am and stop it. To take regular 5 minute rest breaks during the day when I switch off and do Nothing. To keep learning that my idea of perfection does not usually match what is the greatest good for all. To be happy with my life, just the way it is. To keep forgiving. To be thankful.
Huge love to you,
Anne
You always touch me with the space you seem to have in your life. It is as though I get to smell the quiet of the air in France and savor it.
A huge love is deeply cherished and returned,
Eli
I love this post! I was about to suggest you have a new book here, when I saw it was excerpted from Funky To Fabulous. I still think this subject might deserve a book of its own. Perfection
Brava to you, dear sister, for raising the flag of awareness. Keep it going.
Big Love,
Judith
I have such a deep appreciati
Each of us (particula
What a blessing you are.
Big Hug and Love,
Eli
these are great tips! I try to keep myself balanced between perfection
Lucky for me i am in a great relationsh
Brian
I am thrilled that you as a vet have shared your perspectiv
Your Fan,
Eli Davidson
"It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got"
http://www
http://www
Turns around "shoulding
Keep up the good work.
"It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got."
Thank you so much! I always appreciate the richness that you bring to your comments. Our community is blessed by your wisdom.
Eli
I adore you!!! Studies show that women are more prone to being hard on themselves
I agree that angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
You must fly very high...sin
Eli
PS commenting now on your Oprah post with JOY!
and enjoying this gift of life!
I love having you in our life
Cheers, Ed
I forget who said this, but here goes: "Men see themselves as heroes in their own mythology, while women see themselves as martyrs in their own tragedies.
It's not like males aren't insecure. But the reason you don't hear a lot of guys talking about their low self-estee
Nature vs. nurture? Are men hard-wired or socialized to look at their best features rather than their flaws? I think Robert Bly makes an excellent argument that it's nurture.
V
Then I realized that none of that blaming was making anything better for me or anyone else in my life. When I stopped being hard on myself over what had happened, I was able to look around and see what new life I could make within my limitation
Thanks for this post.
Toni Bernhard
www.howtob
What an incredible inspiratio
Congratula
Eli Davidson