On April 7, Eva Longoria discussed her divorce on "Piers Morgan Tonight," where she broke down in tears, leaving the host incredulous. It was hard to see her in such unabashed heartache.
Recently, I was able to help Melissa Rivers through a tough time, and I want to offer Eva -- and you -- some tips.
Keep your eyes open watch out for these patterns to avoid heartache in the future:
1) How To Foresee Your Relationship Future
It is essential to listen closely to how past relationships are described. You can open up the psychic hotline when you recognize that just about every singe syllable he utters about past relationships will be the exact behavior you will see in the future. Frankly, I got to see this up close very recently. It always struck me as odd that my boyfriend said that after 20 years his ex-wife's parting words were, "I don't know who you are." A few months later his behavior swung dramatically. He acknowledged that he had acted like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I left the relationship and my parting words were, "I don't know who you are."
Tip: Listen very closely for how past relationships ended. If there is a pattern of broken agreements and him being a "runner," be aware that he may have an immature view of keeping his commitments.
2) The Guilty Giver
Most women think that being showered with gifts is a sign that a man is interested. However, it can be a warning sign. Often a man that over-gives is pre-paying for the pain he knows he is going to inflict on you later. It goes against all our Cinderella thinking. A man with healthy self-esteem knows that he doesn't have to buy affection. He knows his value. He is aware that he is a positive presence that will protect and provide for you over the long run. This is going to be tough for you, Eva. Guys think that they have to give celebrities like you lots of goodies. So pay attention to this, because most people don't see that being showered with gifts early in the game isn't necessarily a good thing. This story might make you think twice about getting lots of stuff.
True story: A dear friend had an experience with The Guilty Giver syndrome. She was dating a real estate broker from Baltimore who she thought was The One. They had a wonderful time; they fell in love; he showered her with gifts (that she didn't ask for). At one point she asked him to take his gifts back because they were over the top. He proposed and convinced her to close her business to move to Baltimore to plan the wedding and their new life together. Then this man woke up one morning and informed her, "I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with anyone." He treated her like a piece of trash and insisted that she pack her bags and leave in five hours of his change of heart. He completely devastated her financially and emotionally.
Tip: Be wary of men bearing way too many gifts. It usually is a very clear indicator they know that they will let you down in the future. They are pre-paying on the guilt that they know they are going to feel. Too many gifts too fast are not a good thing. It could be an indicator that you will discover that you are in the middle of a game of bait and switch.
3) The Potty Mouth
Does the man you are out with bad-mouth his exes? This is a clear indicator that he isn't taking responsibility for his part of what didn't work in a past relationship. The more a guy bemoans the past, the more his unresolved issues are present.
Tip: Look for a man who is conscious of his behavior. A healthy person will see what they did to contribute to something not working. If a guy hasn't learned from past relationships, he isn't a good candidate for a happy future.
4) The Hanger On
If you meet someone who was in a long-suffering bad marriage, take a close look. The number-one reason people stay in bad relationships is low self-esteem. Not valuing oneself is not a noble quality. It will usually lead to self-destructive behavior that will impact you. If someone has a great deal of self-loathing, they will not opt out of being one half of an unhappy couple. Why? They are usually profoundly lonely and don't think that anyone else will want them.
Tip: Beware of people who won't leave bad relationships. Sure, they sound like the long-suffering spouse, but don't fall for it. You will discover that it means that they wouldn't be comfortable in a healthy relationship.
5) The Fast Faller
Those that have a pattern of "falling in love fast" usually have something to hide. If they have to close the deal quickly, they don't want you to do the due diligence to find out who they are over time. Often, they will have a hidden addiction or an anger problem.
Tip: Take your time. Some relationship experts advise the 90-Day Rule. That means no nookie for the first 90 days. Take time to develop the foundation of friendship. Many people confuse sex with intimacy and then wonder why they have difficulty communicating later in the relationship. You are someone who values people, and the person you are dating needs to take the time to get to know you. If a guy is a great guy, he will be willing to get to know you over time.
What where red flags you ignored in a relationship? What have you done to overcome your own heartbreak? How have you turned around after a bad break up?
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Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized motivational speaker and executive coach. Her book, "Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for the Savvy, Sassy and Swamped" (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards. Check out her blog at funkytofabulous.blogspot.com.
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Colette Kenney: Relationship Advice: Everything Will Be Alright in the End
What a great article.
I've learned when someone undesirable shows up, to ask what is happening within me that caused me to attract this person into my reality. Then I ask, what can I shift within myself to insure this does not happen again? If the same man keeps showing up, only with a different face, it is a powerful message that something within needs to be acknowledged and shifted.
When I work with women to help them awaken their Divine Feminine Force, the first thing I do is guide them to come into alignment with the Divine Masculine within themselves. The Divine Masculine is the energy of providing safety, witnessing without judgement and holding space. When ever a woman or man is in a place of self judgement, that is their inner Divine Masculine not fully showing up, because he would never judge. That is what is at the core of all lack of self worth. An absence of Divine Masculine energy. Once a woman aligns with this part of herself, her Divine Feminine qualities feel safe to fully express. Also, by aligning with her healthy Masculine energy, she now attracts the same in her outer world.
Everything on the outside is a reflection of what is happening inside. The Divine Masculine is the key to women attracting the healthy Masculine in a man, and to feeling free to more fully express her beautiful Feminine energy.
Much love and blessings to you.
Taylore
http://www.SensualSage.com
What a very important point you are making. Even after 42 years of marriage it sounds like you "met a new guy" and needed to forge a new relationship with him. The Baby Boomer populations is entering retirement is massive numbers, and I think your perspective is such an important one. I hope that you will continue to share your wisdom here.
Fortunately, we agreed to work it out. Our plan for hearing the other’s honest viewpoint, helped us build a retirement relationship far better than we ever would have imagined.
Striving to make it work probably isn’t the right course in a new relationship, but when that “new guy†is the “old guy†in disguise it’s worth hanging in to uncover the cause. Especially if trauma such as retirement is the source, you’ll find joy in helping him rediscover his zest for life.
Thanks, Eli, for giving us a chance to think about making the best of our relationships.
"Do yourself a big favor and don't look for perfection here.
If I could say, "God, grant them one wish," it would be, "Grant them that they will make the best use that they can muster of what comes their way. And then go on."
It is essential that you determine if you are on a date or at a deposition. If the latter, end it right there.
It is great to hear from you. The beauty of listening to someone deeply is that you drink in who they are, and what they really want in their lives.
Thanks so much!
Eli
You are one of the wisest people I know. I remember you telling me that my last boyfriend might not be someone that I would spend a great deal of time with. You were so right. It is so interesting how you saw the patterns more clearly than I did.
Gratefully, Eli
Dr. Kate Ferrick www.joyfilledrelationships.com
"A man with emotional maturity will look at how he allowed, created and promoted the relationshÂip and be accountablÂe. There is nothing wrong with the fact that his past relationshÂips have ended but it is food for thought if he is playing the blame game."
What wonderful advise!
I checked out your site and your program looks brilliant!
Much Love,
Eli
Thank you so much for your insights! It sounds like your friend had an experience similar to some of the women in this article. Many women can't imagine that being swept off their feet would lead to an empty life in paradise. Even a closet of designer duds in a mansion in Hawaii can't make up for a relationship without love.
Many women get seduced by the outer trappings of the 'good life' only to realize that they are sitting in a quiet hell. My prayer is that friends share this article with others, so that they avoid the pain your friend went through.
Again thank you for your inspirational words and good luck with finding a true “Romeoâ€.
Thank you so much for sharing such sage advice! I look forward to you sharing more of your relationship coaching tips with us in the future!
Thank you so much for this. I adore what YOU do, You are the best photographer around.
Perhaps the person that you were dating and the person that I was dating were separated at birth.
We are fortunate that Harvard professor Dr. Craig Malkin is commenting on this piece. I suggest that you check out his very interesting article exploring the "growing research program that
looks at what happens to the brain in love. Basically, when
we’re falling for someone, the part of our brain that
evaluates things more closely seems to power down. In our
happiness and excitement, we may not see potential problems
quite as clearly. I review the findings and their implications
at length in "Love is Blind…and Numb?", on my Psychology
Today blog, http://tinyurl.com/2dlts3v, and on my website, in
"Love…still blind"
It looks like it can be helpful for us all.
You will find someone far better!
Eli
I so deeply appreciate your perspective. I would love to hear more about your research on "quick and easy passion literally clouds our judgment (a kind of neurologicÂal love-blindÂness), making it harder to spot red flags."
It sounds like you have very interesting information that can save people from such profound heartache...or in the case of the woman who met the man from Baltimore...even worse!
I look forward to hearing more from you,
Eli Davidson
Before I met my husband, I decided not to date for a few years (another story). This was a feat being that I was 38 and sought after. What made me sad was that men I just met told me within minutes I was their destined soul mate. When I was younger, in my desire to be loved, I took that bait and learned the hard way this one important lesson. I don't want to be anybody's dream. I am real. Take your projections of who you hope I will be and lay them at the door. If you want to get to know me, let go of who you think I am and meet me here.
That of course is what my partner did after I succeeded in not dating all the players who never saw me at all. Now I am loved as I am and lifelong love, not of the fleeting kind, is ours.
How did you make that shift? Did you make an inner shift? I am sure that other women would like to know!
On Finding True Love (part one/ second part in next comment)
written by ALisa Starkweather
www.alisastarkweather.com
When I went inside
To face the loneliness and despair
When I left the world
turned my face into the darkness of my own cave,
When I learned to grieve
for all of the losses
that I had covered over like an unmarked grave,
When I felt my own heart open
to being in love
with myself,
When I cried out in understanding, gratitude, readiness
for all the sweetness of life
even with all its bitter tastes
to pour its elixir over me
and the patterns woven in my life
seemed so exquisite
beyond my control
at last
Life, like a lover
Pushed me to my limits
So that I might know none
When I said yes
to it all
and took responsibility
for all of my choices
stripping myself from the heavy cloak of victimhood
that I thought made me innocent
and stood in my nakedness
that is my vulnerability and pureness of being,
my right to love fully beyond consequences or hurt,
When I learned to face
my dreams, my torments, my broken heart
with courage
committing to never lie to myself again
and always stand in my truth, ... (part 2 next)