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Elisabeth Gruner

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Why Not the Fairest?

Posted: 06/06/2012 7:42 pm

Fairy tales are one of the oldest, and sturdiest, narrative forms our culture knows. We love to tell them, read them, share them, and, especially, retell and remake them -- they form the backbone of an enormous variety of movies, cartoons, advertisements, and novels. Each era seems to have its own favorites -- Disney's Snow White ruled in the late 1930s, for example, and Cinderella in the '50s. Both of these featured virginal domestic goddesses as their heroines, though in the '60s and '70s, feminist retellings began to take center stage. These days, a new crop of fairy tale retellings seems to be linked with a particularly nasty version of the Mommy Wars: rather than pitting stay-at-home mothers against those who work outside the home, these tales instead rehash the old story of the wicked step- (or adoptive) mother, implying that biological parenthood trumps all.

The villain of Tangled, for example, is that nasty witch who steals Rapunzel: a kidnapper/adoptive mother. Mirror, Mirror depicts a comically evil Julia Roberts in the wicked stepmother role, and later this summer we'll see Charlize Theron as a warrior stepmother-queen battling her stepdaughter in Snow White and the Huntsman. In the popular ABC series, Once Upon a Time, the villain is the evil stepmother of the Snow White story, now living in a world without magic as the domineering mayor of Storybrooke. Her name is Regina.

Regina's control over Storybrooke is overbearing and oppressive in the extreme. Unbeknownst to the inhabitants (all fairy tale characters), their pasts are unknown to them, though they are destined to live out their fairy tale fates nonetheless. Regina relives her "stepmother" identity as an adoptive mother to Henry, whose biological mother, Emma Swan, is the heroine of the series.

Critics have argued over the implications of the evil stepmother trope for years. Bruno Bettelheim, a Freudian critic, saw the competition between the evil stepmother and the virginal daughter as a representation of the daughter's inevitable separation from the mother in the Oedipal stage.

More historically-oriented critics note that maternal death was frequent in early modern Europe, when and where most of the fairy tales familiar to us originated, and that often a stepmother would indeed be competitive with her husband's daughter for his affection and, perhaps more important, resources. (A stepmother with her own daughters, such as the one in Cinderella, might quite reasonably be expected to try to advance their fortunes over her husband's daughter's as well.)

Feminist critics see in the evil stepmother evidence of the way that a patriarchal system inevitably pits women against each other, sowing the seeds of competition in a system whereby women can only advance through marriage.

While all of these arguments are intriguing, they pose the question of why we still tell these stories, when our historical and cultural context is so changed, when so many marriages are remarriages and so many parents come to parenting through remarriage and adoption. Once Upon a Time and the other stepmother tales suggest that, as a culture, we may still harbor deep anxieties about non-biological mothers.

Once Upon a Time is both intriguing and disturbing in its depiction of mothering. The central conflict is not really a romantic one, as in most fairy tales, but a parental one. Regina, the evil stepmother, desires not to be "the fairest of them all," but to be Henry's mother, a status she vies for with Emma, his biological parent. The series actually takes a very conservative stand on motherhood. While neither Emma nor Regina is a stay-at-home mother, Regina's ambition and her clearly time-consuming full-time job as mayor seem to distance her from her adoptive son. Dressed in sharp-edged business suits when not seducing the town sheriff or, later, the "Prince Charming" figure, Regina is in sharp contrast to her competition --her son's biological mother. Emma, unlike Regina, is a free spirit, dressed most often in jeans and a leather jacket and possessed of seemingly unbounded time to spend with her son and his fantasies.

Clearly, our sympathies are supposed to be with Emma, despite the fact that she gave Henry up for adoption at age 18 (we still haven't gotten the full story of his origins) and did not see him for the first 10 years of his life. Indeed, the series begins with that oldest of adoption tales -- his search for his biological roots. We see him riding the bus from Storybrooke to Boston, where he surprises Emma on her 28th birthday and sets the plot in motion. We have also seen Emma "save" two children from the foster system, deploying another anti-stepmother type falsehood: that foster parents are only in it for the money.

It's too soon to say where Once Upon a Time will go, and since it is an invention of the creators of Lost, it undoubtedly will become far more convoluted before it all comes clear (if it ever does). But in its depiction of maternal competition and its evident preference for the biological over the "constructed" family, and its stereotypical depiction of the powerful woman, it tells us nothing new at all.

And that's a shame.

 
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Fairy tales are one of the oldest, and sturdiest, narrative forms our culture knows. We love to tell them, read them, share them, and, especially, retell and remake them -- they form the backbone of a...
Fairy tales are one of the oldest, and sturdiest, narrative forms our culture knows. We love to tell them, read them, share them, and, especially, retell and remake them -- they form the backbone of a...
 
 
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09:27 AM on 07/25/2012
We need to be open about the fact that not all stepmothers are bad but we can never say that they are always nice. It is really difficult to have a loving second wife and a caring step mom all in one but we can strive hard to be a loving parent and if ever we decide to have a second wife, they must know that we prioritize our kids and that we want someone who can love them as much as we do.
03:23 PM on 07/22/2012
Infidelity caused the first divorce which leads to the second marriage could be major strife. Stepmom's who resent the child of the first marriage will also cause problems with the father and biological child.
01:49 AM on 06/27/2012
Most stepmothers do their best, and help to raise healthy, secure children. But evil stepmothers exist. There are second wives who demand that their husbands mistreat or abandon their children by an earlier mother, just like in Hansel and Gretel or Cinderella. The existence of these women, and their familiar stories, can curdle the delicate relationship between children who wish their parents could get back together and new wives who are trying to create a blended family. But it's important to remember that wicked stepmothers really do exist.
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darkwingduck
04:17 AM on 06/23/2012
So why is there a steady stream of stepmoms writing into advice columns about how they resent having their ex's kids over, having husband pay for kids from his previous marriage, how much they prefer their own biological kids, etc.? Take a look at RFK Jr.'s wife and the things she used to do to her stepdaughter. There is a stereotype for a reason.
07:15 AM on 06/22/2012
Not all step moms are wicked. We just pictured them as cruel and unloving because of the movies and series we watch where they portray them as the evil second mother who doesn't want step daughters or kids.
12:03 AM on 06/22/2012
This is probably the most over-dramatized article. If you really follow the story-line. Emma brought Henry back to Regina, a few times, Regina got possessive, and was jealous over Emma. No where does it ever say Emma was a victim, Emma was an orphan herself who wanted Henry to have a good life. "His best chance" Henry wanted contact with his mother and Regina refused that idea. She cut Emma out as much as she could. She never understood that Emma, is apart of Henry, rather she likes it or not. The more Regina tried to make Emma life harder, the more Emma pushed back. But all in all, it's a story. People seriously should make it personal.

My oldest son grandmother reminds me of the major Regina (not the evil step mom/queen) she is goal oriented, a profectionist, OCD, and even though she as custody of my kids, still goes out of her way to make me look bad. Regina Mills without the counterpart of Queen Regina isn't portrayed badly. It's a typical fight that happens between an adoptive mother and a birth mother, for what is best for the child. Both Emma and Regina love Henry, they just disagree on what is best.
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LadyMorganDA
11:33 PM on 06/21/2012
Whenever I read an article like this, I am reminded again of how fortunate I am to have my wonderful mother...I mean step-mother...but I think of her as my mother. My bio mom moved out when I was 5, and went to travel the world...haven't lived in the same country with her since. My mother (step-mother) was the one who raised me. Even after she and my father divorced when I was in my 20's, she continued to be my mother. My children are her grandchildren. I now have reasonably good relationships with all three of my parents, but I think I am closest to my mother (step-mother).
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urkiddinme
Former fatty turned fitness freak
06:09 AM on 06/11/2012
I am fairly recently divorced (finalized last spring); my ex husband is remarried to a woman of whom I think very highly and with whom I get along with great, as friends. My ex and my fiance are more than civil toward each other and respect each others' roles in the kids' lives. My husband's wife has two children of her own, and my kids love their stepsisters...and both their stepparents love them. I'm well aware our situation is the exception rather than the rule, but it is because all four adults chose to ACT like adults, put the kids' needs first and not be petty, vindictive or greedy. My ex and I said in our first talk about separating that we both understood we have to be parents together for a long time to come and that we would not let what happened between us personally result in the kids' being used as weapons. It is just good fortune that his new wife and my fiance (who does not have children of his own) are the same kind of people; who came into their relationships with us ready to be good stepparents and not put the kids in any kind of tense or volatile situation. I love my kids' stepmother; she's kind, intelligent and a good role model in my kids' lives.
02:30 AM on 06/16/2012
What I would give to have you as my husbands Ex!!!! We have 3 adults and one disturber - my motto is to behave in a way with no regrets and so that I can sleep at night knowing that I did my best. The high road is the long road is my approach!!
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urkiddinme
Former fatty turned fitness freak
06:18 AM on 06/16/2012
Good for you. The 4 adults in my situation seem to be the exception in cases like this; I hope we'll all always continue to take that high road. And good for you for continuing to do that and not stooping to the level of your husband's ex - I'm sure it's tempting to fire back. We cannot control the actions of others; only our response to them! :) Good luck.
08:31 PM on 06/09/2012
I do think that adoption and step-parenting are very different issues. Step-parents don't choose the kid in the same way adoptive parents do. Also they are also in competition with a parent in a way that adoptive parents aren't. The child may remember their parent or their parent may still be caring for them. And adoptive parents are raising children whose parents chose to give them up.

In terms of the new show, the biological mom sounds quite odd - giving up her child and then spending her life rescuing other kids from foster care? I strongly suspect that this is a set-up and she will turn out to be the bad guy.
03:28 PM on 06/12/2012
She's not. She's in fact the 'savior' of everyone. She just decided to come back into the kid's life because after one meeting she decided the mother was not nice.
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blue rylie
I'm Prochoice Because I'm a Mom
07:29 AM on 06/13/2012
I am adopted and now as an adult, I am divorced and my children have stepparents. I would agree to some extent that there are differences between adopted parents and stepparents, but I would venture that most of those differences are in the legal arenas. First, stepparents do in fact make a choice to marry into a family with kids, just as adopted parents make a choice to seek adoption. It is a choice on the part of both parties. The difference between the two is that adopted parents have full legal rights, whereas stepparents don't. I would say that there are many similarities. Adopted kids wonder about their biological mom, fantasize about her, and search for her...so there is to some degree a competition between the moms, even if the biological mom is primarily in the imagination of the child.

It's my opinion that at the end of the day, the competition is created and unnecessary. My biological mom is not in competition with my adopted mom unless I choose to compare them and construct a competition between them, or they choose to feel threatened and construct a competition between themselves. The same goes for the stepmom in my childrens' lives. We choose not to be in competition with one another, and instead choose to respect and acknowledge the other as a part of our childrens' lives.

Just my thoughts. As for the show, I suspect you are right about the plot line.
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09:59 PM on 06/08/2012
I mean Walt was wise.
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09:58 PM on 06/08/2012
According to Walt Disney they are wicked.
08:51 PM on 06/08/2012
My mother died when I was 8 and my father was fooling around with the married, neighbor lady while my mom was dying. The neighbor lady divorced her husband 6 months after my mother died and my dad married her 1 week later. My little sister and I were sent to live with "relatives" that abused us while my dad and step mom and her 2 little boys went on to a nice life. I found out over 40 years later that my little sister and I were sent away because all of us kids did not get along!!! WHAT?? We were all under 8 years old!!! I could not ask my dad or the step mom about this as they are dead now. The truth was that my dad did anything she wanted and she did not want my little sister and I around...but she wanted her boys. Aren't adults that you trust and love so wonderful!?!?!?
01:40 AM on 06/16/2012
Thats sad.

Kind of like how my son has no relationship with his dad due to cruela (his wife) getting in the way. She is insecure, selfish, and controlling. But thats ok cuz my son doesn't need to be around that kind of environment and certainly doesn't need a dad who allows his wife to act that way.
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jstjuls
Who,What, Where, When & Why
07:52 PM on 06/08/2012
The step-mother or father effect is usually the first year of the new marriage, children hate change, us, life, any and everything. Remarried with a 3 yr. old and a 7 year old. The 7year old hated him would not even try and made life miserable for everybody for a good while. Now at 25 she says that he is actually a very good father. I told her that years ago but she was not having it. Age=wisdom I guess. Hollywood loves to depict step anybody as the ultimate evil. No more Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda with the patience and love needed to overcome. I'm telling my age but oh, for the good old days.
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collectsrocks
It's good to be good & nice to be nice
05:19 PM on 06/08/2012
My recently engaged son has a daughter with his fiance who has wonderfully taken on the role of mother to my son's two young sons from a previous relationship. The birthmother one day just walked out on the family. The fiance didn't take on the role to replace the boy's mother, but has done so because the birthmother now pretty much has little interest in her children's lives. All children live with my son and fiance. My son and fiance want the birthmother in her son's lives but each time he mentions them spending time with her, she has something else to do. On Mother's Day my son took the boy's to see their mother for the special day. They were so excited. She had just one hour she wished to spend with them. So sad. The boy's don't call my son's fiance mom, mommy or mother and use her first name. The boy's adore the fiance because she does everything a real mother does in a great, sincere, loving way, spending hours with them because, "I love them like they are mine," as she has said so frequently. My son's fiance will be a stepmother but for sure not an evil one.
06:02 PM on 06/09/2012
Cudos to your son for continuing to try to engage his children's mother in their lives. Maybe someday she will get her act together. In the meantime, they're lucky to have a good step-mother.
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tomteboda
03:19 AM on 06/11/2012
"In the meantime"? See, you buy into that "stepmothers are at best a consolation prize" mythology. Its the same one that tells adopted children that their adoptive parents don't REALLY love them, not fully.
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teecee656
04:33 PM on 06/08/2012
When I was divorced seventeen years ago, I had four children ages 18 months to 12 years. For the last 11 years I've been the primary custodial parent, with their mother living 300 miles away for most of the time. I have never remarried, and have always put my children first. There is bound to be jealousy of a step-parent "stealing" the affection, attention and most importantly time away from the biological parent. Kids don't need more conflict, and the resulting emotional coaster ride after the trauma of a divorce. My youngest is now 18 and perhaps it's my time to seek a relationship. If you have children, your responsibility to them is paramount. To remarry, before they mature, can be damaging. For the benefit of the children, it's far better to remain single, than introduce a possible source of conflict.
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tomteboda
03:22 AM on 06/11/2012
Of course, a positive loving step-parent is clearly worse than no second present adult in the household. Life is honestly about risks. You can't shield children from conflict, that same logic could be used to defend only having one child as "best for the child" (after all, siblings fight), for never putting children in any school ( because other children may tease them), and for generally over-sheltering.
01:47 AM on 06/16/2012
I have been divorced for 16 years now and have not remarried yet either but not for the reasons you did. It takes the right person to be a step parent. All I have ever asked for is that my future spouse be willing to step in a guide my kids in their lives. My kids are 16, 21, 22 so its not like I need a daddy figure for them.....just somebody who is willing to support them, show them the ways of the world, and be there for them.

Going into a relationship with a person who has kids and you have kids is quite interesting but you have to keep an open mind to all of it. Over the years I had dated and had 3 serious relationships that didn't last. When my oldest was 18 I told all 3 kids I love you but its my time to find love now. They know I'll always be there for them but it was time for me to find that man who is to fill that part of my life.

Good luck to you.