The discovery of infidelity leads many couples to seek therapy, as they typically struggle with a range devastating emotions. Shock, disbelief, confusion, fear and outrage are all common; so are doubts about the future of the marriage. As one of my clients recently explained:
We have a wonderful marriage. At least I thought we did. My wife and I have been together for twelve years; we have great kids and a great life. Never in a million years did I think she was capable of cheating. I always viewed an affair as a deal breaker -- as something that could not happen to me. I assumed that if she ever cheated, I'd be out the door. But the reality is that I have no clue how to deal with this mess, and no idea whether I will stay.
My client is not alone. Many people assume that they would end their marriage if they discovered infidelity. Unfortunately, no marriage comes with an absolute guarantee, and -- while there is no valid excuse -- even good people in great marriages are sometimes unfaithful.
There are many myths and misconceptions about infidelity. The biggest one is that if an affair happens, the marriage is doomed. As a couples therapist, I have worked with enough amazing couples in strong marriages to know that this is not the case. Some people even strengthen their relationship as they do the hard work that it takes to recover from the devastating consequences of an affair.
If you discover that your spouse has been unfaithful, there are some basic steps that you can take to determine if your marriage is savable. These tips are not necessarily the complete solution to an exceptionally difficult situation; however, they can be a useful framework to help you determine whether you and your spouse are up for the hard work to re-build trust and get through the pain and loss associated with infidelity. It's a tough road, but one that many couples have traveled with success.
1: Read the book Not "Just Friends"
Pick up Shirley P. Glass' book, Not "Just Friends". It has an exceptionally modern and thoughtful take on fidelity and will be relevant to both you and your spouse. Ask your spouse if he or she is willing to read this book with you and complete the exercises. If your spouse agrees and is actively engaged in the reading from the moment the book is in his or her hands, this is a very encouraging sign.
2: Seek Couples Therapy
Find an experienced couples therapist. Infidelity is traumatic enough to warrant reaching out to a professional for help and support. Visit the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy's (AAMFT) web site to find a skilled professional in your area. This site only lists therapists who have met rigorous training standards and completed hundreds of supervised hours in couples therapy. If your spouse is willing to see a therapist with you, this is another encouraging sign. If not, this is a cause for concern.
3: Ask Your Spouse to Cut Off Contact with the Affair Partner
Ask your spouse if he or she is willing to end the other relationship for good and cut off all contact. I'm not just talking about physical contact. For the marriage to recover, there must be no contact, electronic or otherwise. This other person must be completely out of the picture; it will therefore be necessary to un-friend this person on Facebook, un-follow this person on Twitter and delete this person from all phones. If your spouse works with this person, collaborate with the couples therapist to set up the parameters to manage this difficult ongoing challenge. Perhaps your spouse can change divisions or departments or at least cut out the after-work office happy-hours.
Is your spouse willing to cut off contact? Is your spouse willing to let you know when this person attempts to make contact (which they will) and to discuss with you whether and how to respond? If your spouse is willing to completely cut this person off, that is an excellent sign. If you are hearing all kinds of excuses, this is cause for serious concern.
Unfortunately, your spouse's infidelity is something you never forget. However, this does not mean that your relationship is doomed. The steps listed above are by no means easy, but if your spouse is willing to do whatever it takes, then staying together is a choice worth considering, especially if children are involved. Remember that infidelity is much more common and much more complicated than people realize, and you are not alone in this difficult journey.
Follow Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, LICSW on Twitter: www.twitter.com/elisjoy
I really don't understand why 'infidelity' is such a big deal. People get so worried that their significant other is 'cheating' on them, but other than the deception part, I truly do not get why it would bother them...and the deception can easily be done away if one didn't have to hide that they were gonna sex it up with someone else for a bit, but most folks don't seem to want to give their partner permission to do this either.
Its not just a mental cage, monogamy is a genital cage too.
Be logical folks. You'd get sick of eating the same food everyday or watching the same movie, over and over and over...
To you it's a cage. Don't project that onto others.
Marriage has become something "to do" rather than something to "commit to." There's such a huge focus on weddings, not marriages. The wedding of your "dreams." A goal that must be attained and then you work on "wonderful" babies.
When did we forget that marriage is a messy collaboration between two people who've agreed on something common but have different personalities? Don't people realize they will be having sex with that one person for the rest of their life regardless of how they look? Where does the idea that we each deserve a perfect life more than anybody else and that we are -gasp- entitled to one?
After 10 1/2 years and two babies, I was dumped because my ex wanted to "be loved," "to feel special and important." He did the same thing to her...he didn't want to be married, he wanted a cheering section. Good luck with that one!
After all that heartache, I am married to someone who actually WANTS to grow old with me, who has toiled alongside me raising our kids. It's not all chocolates and champagne...you have to be ok with bread and onions because marriage isn't about perfection, it's work...
Much cleaner breakup, less baggage attached.
Marriage for many people is the biggest financial commitment they'll make in their life. Bigger than their mortgage. People need to be practical and less cavalier about the whole thing.
Everyone wants to get married, even though its probably not suitable for everyone.
Different couples have different dynamics to their relationships, so I'm not sure how
a 'one size fits all' scheme works for everyone.
Can one stay committed to one person for the rest of their life? Absolutely...but it ISN'T very realistic though. People should try living in reality rather than ideals.
Though I've never been cheated on, I gather that its one of the most hurtful emotional pains one can endure. People cheat for a variety of reasons. It usually isn't intended to hurt the other person, as no one plans on getting caught. Often it is used to meet a need that isn't being met. Sometimes its to make up for a deficiency in their current relationship. Other times the cheater has more deeply rooted issues, which increases their likelihood of cheating again.
In these times, people ought to assess, and make the right decision going forward.
The problem with marriage is that it causes bias to 'work things out', when the right decision is clearly to leave.
The problem is the idea that you "need" to get something from someone else....and if they love you they will "provide" it for you.
Sometimes people cheat because they see no other way out (or no other way of surviving) a relationship where there is abuse.
But mainly people cheat because they don't understand or accept the fact that---if they are bored or unfulfilled---it is THEIR fault...not their spouses. Your happiness is your own responsibility...not someone elses.
A good spouse in a healthy marriage will SHARE your life with you....it is not their responsibility to GIVE you a life.
Sadly many people never learn this lesson before they get married...and it often takes multiple marriages to realize that the problem was not their first spouse.
We have to look within more for fulfillment. Its called self-fulfillment. If you don't possess a healthy amount of this, you're almost helpless to not look for it elsewhere.
Funny thing though: these types never seem to find it. Because they failed to look in the most obvious place.
It is possible to have together forever but today no one wants to bother with it. It is much easier to get a divorce then move on to the next one. Meanwhile you end up bringing the same issue you have to your next relationship.
If one is unhappy in a marriage and that person decides to cheat then it is a lack of self respect (I would argue that this would not be the case for abuse) and for that's person's partner.
Love is not something you "get" at all...it is something that you EXPRESS. A point that seems to only be understood and accepted by saints and sages. Expressing genuine love for others is its own reward. It may prompt others to express love for you...or it may not. But whether or not they do has everything to do with how open THEIR hearts are, and how healthy their own relationship with Love is.
...and our society is one that really doesn't have, or foster, that healthy relationship or that openess.
I always thought I'd leave, but when I found out about the first one I knew my family and kids were bigger than my pride so I tried. But the next week when I found out about the second one, I made him leave the house and filed for divorce. Turns out there were more, too--women at conventions, multiple times.
It was a long road raising our kids alone and very difficult financially for me. Lots of stress. He ultimately didn't want the divorce, tried to stop it, but it was the lying and breach of our friendship that I could never get past. After the divorce, we stayed friendly for the next 10 years and he repeatedly cheated on his girlfriends and came onto me at times. Some people are dishonest and addicted to the thrill. He just remarried after 20 years, a rich woman. I think he's happy, hard to tell.
there is more to it then being starved for excitement ,you realize some people measure themselves when other things are no longer enough.
it sometimes has to do with the individual , some dispose of sexual encounters like used tissues,
the only thing that keeps them married is the security of home .they compartmentalize .
this has nothing to do with that ,,all that freudian stuff.
the ability to continue to conquer .
Well, perhaps Herman can preoccupy himself with his support for the Constitutional amendment to protect marriage.
Like the one he just destroyed.
Forgiving but demanding change is potentially the first step towards dealing with whatever problem led to the cheating.
I was wrong , but realized that there are factors making it more difficult to leave and necessitate realistic soul searching.
Priorities ,Whats left afterward ?
Me , idiot , I put life with someone else first , as well as their career .
Quit school. went to work , life always got materially better with a lot of effort .
But you pass middle age and realize that even though you have a lot that others envy ,
It isn't worth it , you could die from the loneliness , and end up drinking lunch.
You see this in friends too , "The Ladies Who Lunch", the ones with the two carat diamonds on their ears and the new Mercedes Sedans .
Ask them where their husbands are , the drunker they are the more likely they are to tell.
Divorce ,never ,its hard to start over for yourself when you've set on a pedestal all those years. The fear of whats outside, especially these days , we've all seen some try,crash and burn.
You rationalize thats its only sex ,and its a bit of a relief to give up the pretense ,especially after 40 years,
Both our faults ,I guess , in many ways .
But god help you when some one comes along and say's those dreaded words "I Love You" because deep down you still believe in that kind of love .