From Oy to Ohm: Finding My Inner Dalai Lama

I'm practicing to be a Tibetan nun, but lately I've been wondering if I need hair extensions and Botox. Tibetan nuns probably don't think a lot about hair extensions and Botox, which doesn't say a lot about my chances of becoming a Tibetan nun, or reaching nirvana, or even a semblance of serenity.

Although, I would look pretty serene if I got Botox.

And I'm not really becoming a Tibetan nun. I'm just trying to cope. As a middle-aged, single mother, cancer survivor, I have a lot of coping to do.

I'm wondering if I should take Xanax, too.

A card-carrying member of the Oprah generation, I should be all about reinvention. Like most people, I have reinvented myself to a certain extent. Crappy marriage ... got rid of that. Sexy trainer ... kept that. Grey hair ... got rid of that. Organic double fudge cookies ... kept that.

But there comes a time in everyone's life where reinventing hits a brick wall, and we just have to work with what we have. With who we are. Stress is attracted to our lives like men are attracted to boobs, and some lives are wearing a pretty impressive push-up bra. There is no reinventing at this point. The stress is in our lives, and there it will stay. Oprah gains the weight back, and we are left overwhelmed and afraid.

My big boob moment happened with the discovery of a massive tumor in my pelvis. After denial -- I can't have cancer. I just got a three-book deal -- and despair -- Who will take care of my children? -- I was all about the reinvention: I will deal with this! I will cope! I will eat chocolate and feel good!

There isn't enough chocolate in the world for a tumor the size of a basketball.

As I was lying in the ICU unable to speak with a tube down my throat, giving me oxygen, the platitudes started:

1. We are never given anything more than we can handle. Excuse me? Tell that to those massacred in Rwanda, Sudan, Syria. Hell, just pick a place. Humanity is constantly given more than it can handle.

2. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Makes who stronger? I am in the ICU with a nine-inch incision, multiple organs of mine now residing in the medical waste bin, and the cancerous sword of Damocles hanging over my head.

3. God loves you and has a plan. No comment.

4. Think positively. No matter what I think, I still have a nine-inch incision, multiple organs in the medical waste bin, and the cancerous sword of Damocles hanging over my head.

5. At least we have our health. Definitely the best platitude. A very cheerful person told me this, and I didn't have the heart to disabuse her of the idea.

I lay there in my hospital bed and asked myself what I wanted. Of course, I wanted life and health and to be free of pain, but those were out of my control. Cancer made me understand to my innermost core what giving up control meant. What I asked for was in the realm of possibility. What I wanted was clear to me. I wanted to be free of fear. I wanted to alleviate my suffering.

The pain would always be in my life. More than most, the unknown would guide my existence from one CT-scan to another. The stress would never leave. But I could manage fear. I could lighten my suffering.

How did I know this? A Tibetan nun told me. Well, she didn't tell me personally. She wrote it in several books. Pema Chodron, Tibetan nun and author, wrote that through meditation and compassion, we can learn to live in the present, to eradicate fear, alleviate suffering, lose weight and reap a 10 percent return on investments. Okay, I'm paraphrasing, and I added the last two, but you get the picture.

So, I'm becoming a Tibetan nun. I'm thinking about meditation, but I don't get much further than that. Hey, I'm a single mom. If I sit down and take a deep breath, I'm asleep in less than 30 seconds. But I have compassion ... I haven't flipped anybody off in traffic in a long time.

I'm also living in the moment, putting off my fears and hopes, in an attempt to live a happier, more serene life. Except when I have a CT-scan coming up, I'm behind on my writing deadline, the news is on TV, my kids are doing poorly in school, or there are dishes in the sink. It's a start, and I'm not worrying about the finish line because Tibetan nuns don't worry about the finish line.

By the way, I ate Oreos while I wrote this. Do Tibetan nuns eat Oreos?

Photo: Flickr: Gebchak Gonpa

 

 

 

Comments

[Autora]

04:41 PM on 03/20/2012

To Elise: I clicked on the article because I was pre-annoyed, so to speak, at the thought that anyone could 'decide' to become a Tibetan nun, as if they take open admissions. I was sure also that anyone who did, or was possibly accepted, would certainly not be writing about it.

[excessa]

01:55 PM on 03/20/2012

best wishes. If you start from a good place inside, you're likely to end up in a good place on the outside. Happiness is a decision we make, to grant ourselves permission to be happy as who we are, in the real circumstances of our lives. It's nice to throw it out there, "this is what it feels like to be me." It helps those feeling isolated with the same emotions. I deal with some major obstacles, myself, I don't react to them any more. I live with them, deal with them, cope with them, or resolve them. The best goal I have ever accomplished has also been the easiest one, to be happy and to be of benefit to society. I live each day looking for opportunities to share my kindness with others, and my gratitude to be alive.

[Pauline Seville]

01:35 AM on 03/28/2012

Wonderful life affirming post! Thank you.

Fanned & Faved.

[qsfoxx]

11:00 AM on 03/20/2012

"...practicing to be a Tibetan nun..." Do you really think they'd take you?

[GOODDOC1]

10:41 AM on 03/20/2012

Hang in there, Elsie. I don't have a nine inch scar (one advantage of radiosurgery), but I know exactly what you mean. I can't shut my mind down well enough to meditate, but I'm trying. I would add one thing that's not a platitude: try to have a good laugh at least once a day. It helps me. So does my cat. (When I'm having a bad day, he puts one paw on each side of my face and licks my nose until I smile -- then he bites it!) F CANCER!

[Agdoc]

10:30 AM on 03/20/2012

When I first saw this, I thought "Aw, jeez, another "author" facing a deadline and writing about her personal angst. Boooring." But I have to admit, I liked it much more than I expected. Your five points are spot on, the advice of Pema Chodron likewise. I made a decision years ago to dump the stress by doing the best I could re: the parts of my life I could control; everything else will work itself out one way or the other, and since I'm helpless to influence the outcome anyway it's hardly worth worrying about. Also, learn the difference between concern and worry. Be concerned about those issues that warrant it, but worry? It's needless self-torture.

[stephnewton]

10:15 AM on 03/20/2012

Haha! Here's hoping your journey continues with lots of moments of clarity and peace. And if the meditation doesn't work, I recommend cupcakes.

[kungalhadon]

10:04 AM on 03/20/2012

from one "nun" to another...I can so relate to this sister, wonderful note you wrote here for all the nuns out there...yeah, is like I tell my friend about to loose her home that everything is ok, and by the way I just bought a house for 500,00 and I am going to Europe this summer,sure, His Holiness the Dalai Lama said once: "Is very easy to be spiritual when your belly is full" of course (and this is me talking) when you're hungry you can't concentrate so you can't meditate or be "spiritual" hey! Oreos anyone?

[walkonby]

09:56 AM on 03/20/2012

great article - i'd say if you can write like this with everything that's going on, you're well on your way to finding your inner d-l.

everyone had to find their own panacea and never discount it's worth.

best wishes elise.

[listgirl3]

09:22 AM on 03/20/2012

I eat Oreos, I've forgiven myself, I love my single mom life....finally, and I need prescription help to sleep sometimes...meh, it's all good ;)

[albalatrv]

09:16 AM on 03/20/2012

I love this gal and look forward to reading anything she writes.

[Elise Sax]

02:42 PM on 03/21/2012

Would it be too much to say I love you, too?

[LearningisRelative]

07:43 AM on 03/20/2012

Very funny article! I'm thinking I need to get some of those organic double fudge cookies for myself. I wonder if I'll have less guilt when I eat more than I should since they're organic? :)

[Elise Sax]

02:42 PM on 03/21/2012

Yes! And besides, what are cookies made of? You guessed it...crumbs. And crumbs can't be bad.

[caitengl]

07:13 AM on 03/20/2012

Don't get pissy about people trying to offer comfort. Sometimes a platitude is the only thing you can think of to say in a situation that is too horrible to talk about. Would you rather visitors just sit and stare at you? Or would you rather have no visitors at all? Be grateful that there are people who care enough to visit and take the intention for the deed. #1 & #2 just mean that when things get tough you either step up to the plate or give up, and it's better to step up to the plate (of course murder is a seperate issue), #4 has been proven by science, #3 works if you are a beliver and #5 is just the thoughtless mumble of someone who didn't know what to say. You sound really bitter that people aren't giving you exactly what you need.

[bailey813]

08:45 AM on 03/20/2012

She sounds human with every emotion possible as she deals with illness etc. You missed the point.

[listgirl3]

09:21 AM on 03/20/2012

Ha ha! That's what you took away from this article?

Psst...try it again ;)

[speweth]

12:40 PM on 03/20/2012

isn't everyone an individual? she took away whatever it is she took away. it doesn't have to be the same as what You took away. isn't that the point of life? ha ha!

[karen lyons kalmenson]

07:04 AM on 03/20/2012

i go to yoga
i meditate
a glass of shiraz
i medicate

[twowhitedogs]

06:28 AM on 03/20/2012

lol...great article. My acupuncturist has taught me how to meditate just recently. I too am very busy, but finding just 5 minutes of quiet time really does help. Although, so do oreo's, but there is no after guilt with meditation. I must say, if you haven't flipped anyone off lately, you are doing a lot better than many of us:) Good luck to you.

[shylove2]

07:40 PM on 03/19/2012

You don't have to be a nun to meditate and in time you won't fall asleep but you do have to make a moment in which to do it and make that moment a part of your day sometime or other and there probably is one somewhere that is just spent spinning in thought anyway so give it up for a while and see what might happen, one never knows

[Elise Sax]

12:24 AM on 03/20/2012

You're right, and it's a great idea to have a set time everyday devoted to meditation. I know that I would improve with practice, and it helps so much when I do meditate, even if I wind up slumped over, asleep, and drooling.