Why You Fear Love and Success

In an earlier blog I quoted Rumi's Guesthouse poem in order to convey a radical approach to our difficulties in everyday life. He says:

This being human is a guest-house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

However, it's not always the difficult emotions we're trying to avoid. Sometimes there's a subtle, or not too subtle, aversion to the "positive" feelings like "love" or "joy" that come for life or success. Why might this be?

Well, one thing I've learned over time in my own life and as a psychologist is that emotions aren't so black and white. For example, anger doesn't just come with anger alone; at times it comes with sadness or other emotions. We just have these words to help us better define emotions as we do with other things.

In this same vein, when we're growing up we often have a natural love for our parents, but this can get mixed up with other uncomfortable emotions. If we grew up in a scary household perhaps love got mixed up with fear or if we grew up in a family of divorce, love may have been mixed with fear or the sadness or anger of separation or failure.

In other words, in order to feel love, we might also have to feel these uncomfortable emotions. So, acting in our best interest to avoid discomfort, some part of ourselves decided to keep the uncomfortable emotions at bay and at the same time keeps the love or joy at bay.

All kinds of tricks of the mind are deployed to have this work out. Perhaps we discount the positive and exaggerate the negative or maybe just go up in our heads and analyze over and over again to avoid the feelings.

Sometimes, in welcoming a difficult emotion as a guest in our house, we can approach and explore the feeling that's there with a kind attention. In doing this you may be amazed at what you find. It is in the act of embracing our wounds that we often find peace.

So today, as an experiment, notice your reactivity to discomfort and see if for a moment you can redefine that moment as a "choice point" where you can explore the feeling that is there. You may even choose to breathe into the physical feeling as if you were gently touching the wound as you might a wounded child or animal. Go ahead and serve it tea.

See what happens.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

***
Originally published on Mindfulness and Psychotherapy at Psychcentral.com. To read more of Elisha, visit his blog, Mindfulness and Psychotherapy at Psychcentral.com, or subscribe here. You may also find him at www.drsgoldstein.com.

 

 

 

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Comments

[Jakes in Auteur]

05:24 PM on 05/13/2010

Thanks Dr. great piece. A polymath who deals with many of these issues about being able to step forward I appreciate this greatly. I wish we we could have a session. The stories I could tell you, and maybe the clarity you could provide. Nice thought. - Thanks again for the article, Jake.

[angrymanspokane]

06:47 PM on 05/04/2010

We're all so screwed up. Everyone wants to blame someone else, usually the parents. This has merit, certainly, but ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves. Love it, hate it, fear it or avoid it - life is all there is. It's temporary, fleeting and over much too quickly.

Have fun while it lasts.

[Conk]

01:45 PM on 05/04/2010

Most fear success because their subconscious mapping and assumptions make them believe they are not worthy of it.

[ElishaGoldstein]

05:43 PM on 05/04/2010

Yes, feelings of shame are at the heart of many of these issues...

[ElishaGoldstein]

01:37 PM on 05/04/2010

Much of this post is also based on mindfulness. Here is a Free telesummit I (Elisha Goldstein) have done that's available for the next 24 hours - www.stressmanagementtelesummit.com/live

[cassierwilliams]

12:38 PM on 05/04/2010

This article is so interesting because often I feel that something is "wrong" with me when I experience feelings of fear and anxiety when it comes to relationships and there is no real basis for me to feel these feelings. But now after reading this article, I can definitely identify feelings of fear and anxiety that can be traced back to observations I made about adult relationships during my childhood. So if I can just realize that and try to make conscious decisions to put those emotions away unless they are warranted by facts, I think I can push forward instead of staying entrenched in these negative feelings.

[Whitley2009]

12:03 PM on 05/04/2010

I don't think the title of the article and its content match very well.

[temp2290]

11:11 AM on 05/04/2010

Personally I feel that those few enlightened folks are afraid of success because it presents a sort of slavery. It's not coincidental that you hear "no intelligent person wants to become president". We look around and see "successful" people that don't deserve it and don't even understand that they are slaves to whatever they are successful in. They can't live normal lives anymore. They have no perspective and no way to "ground" themselves. This is what scares me. Being a slave to success is just as bad as being a slave to intelligence or a slave to money. It engulfs you to the point that your entire inner monologue is dominated by that perspective.

[General Public]

06:13 AM on 05/04/2010

My mind does discount the positive and exaggerate the negative, as you mention in the article. However I am not sure that I fear love or success. I do have panic attacks and do not know the real reason for my anxiety, but it is probably not GOOD things I am afraid of, but BAD things. Basically I am a person with Asperger's Syndrome who has never had much in the way of social skills, and was extremely shy most of my life in order to avoid ridicule and rejection that came whenever I attempted social interaction. I am now slowly recovering from that and gradually becoming a normal person, but not having any relationships or good jobs for your entire life is not something that can be undone. I did have my first relationship last year and have another this year but they were both originally set up as blind dates due to my shyness and inability to approach people I don't know. I hardly think I fear love or success... I would embrace either one eagerly if I had the chance. But it is harder for me to take advantage of opportunities than other people, because usually I am oblivious to the fact that opportunities exist, and do not have any idea how to take advantage of them. Most people are lucky not to have an anxiety disorder comorbid with a mild variant of autism.

[moondogblue]

05:40 AM on 05/06/2010

Hey Dude!
That social interaction to which you refer is just a set of behaviors or rules that everyone learns - you'll get it down to your satisfaction one day. And I don't believe in, "normal" people, lest I be expected to act and think like one. I think the Asperger's gives you a certain advantage over others - you don't get caught up in emotional behaviors like so many others and that makes you really special. As more people get to know you I suspect they will really like you and want to spend time with you! I know about this stuff, see , because my son (18yr/old) has Asperger's and experiences the same stuff you talk about. Wanna hear Asperger's cool? He is on the cheerleading team in college! He just showed up for tryouts because he needed the scholarship! And he made it! So don't get hung up on the fear of doing things, do them even if you are scared - that's what makes them exciting!

[whispurr]

05:00 AM on 05/04/2010

I fear success because I believe it will take me away from my children. Maybe that's avoiding it. But with success comes responsibility, and with work, family, and a home, how can I find my own and be true to me without taking away from my kids, especially as a single mom. I suppose I'm searching for my greatness close to home, and I always think there's so much to do before I get near the end of the day and end of the list, and time's up .. And I continue to avoid the risks and dreams. I also remember much success as a child and soon enough , people are jealous or expect perfection.

[ElishaGoldstein]

11:53 AM on 05/04/2010

Hi Whispurr,
This is a great example why people might fear or avoid success. Thanks for this....

[Maverickpower]

12:39 AM on 05/04/2010

The discomfort that comes with the unfamiliar , joy , appreciation , success , a loving healthy partnership , the familiar , rejection , condemnation , insecurity , loss , fear , how conditioned we are to track in these worn groves of those who came before us , how we take up these familiar " guests "and let them rule our house.

[brooklyncitizen]

10:48 PM on 05/03/2010

It's a slow death this fear of success.

[MissAngela]

04:33 PM on 05/03/2010

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” The above speech by Nelson Mandela was orignally written by Marianne Williamson who is the author of other similar material.”

[Gregory Ashby]

03:02 PM on 05/03/2010

This is a topic that should be discussed more. Everybody knows about fear of failure. But I been noticing that fear of success is just evident in people lives that failure. Fear of success is sweep under
the carpet because no one believes that one such success and happiness. The #1 reason someone
would fear success is that they feel that they don't deserve it. Then next reason would be, now I have
to live up to it. We believe everybody else should be happy and we love making doing that. But it comes to our own success and happiness that another story. Go figure.