Every so often, a book erupts on the parenting landscape and ignites a furor. Amy Chua has become today's firebrand with her Wall Street Journal article last weekend, and her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, sparking controversy over her criticisms of American parents and her dictums to her two daughters of no sleepovers, no playdates, no school plays, no TV or computer games, no grades lower than As, and no playing of any instruments other than the piano or violin. The flames of controversy have been fanned even higher by Chua's stories of threatening, punishing, and name calling (calling her daughter "garbage," for example) when these dictums weren't met.
I, like some of you, have read many of the words that she's written and that have been written about her. And, like you, I have had many strong feelings and thoughts.
To begin, a book like Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother gives us all a chance to re-examine our own parenting -- and that is, in fact, a gift. Much of what has been written about the Tiger Mother has lapsed into incivility and I certainly understand why. Having someone else proclaim that how we have raised our own children is outright wrong and doomed -- whatever our ethnic backgrounds and however long our families have been in the United States -- cuts to our very core. Nothing is more painful or infuriating or provoking. But if we want civility in politics, we need civility in parenting. And as I read about Amy Chua, I think we need to turn around the debate and use it like a mirror to focus on ourselves, asking:
• What do we REALLY want for our own children?
• How can we BEST achieve our goals?
So here are my some of my personal and professional reflections.
As I read about the Tiger Mother, I keep asking myself, why is it that the kids who excel in high school don't necessarily do well in life? Have you noticed that at reunions or by staying in touch with your classmates? Thinking about what helps children thrive in life helps me think through what I REALLY want for my own children.
For me, thriving in life requires more than getting good grades. Good grades are important because they tell our kids that they can meet the requirements of society and succeed. But I have seen that the people who really thrive have their own interests, things they care about for their own sake, not things that they do just to please their parents and teachers. So when I ask myself what I want for my children, it is for them to have passions in life beyond themselves and contributions they want to make. As a parent, I need to help my children find and develop those passions. In thinking about the Tiger Mother story, those passions might be in playing the violin, but they might also be in acting in a school play or doing community service after school. Studies show that it's the focus, the motivation, and the commitment of working toward a goal children derive from these passions that help them in their school work and life, not the specifics of what these passions are.
Thriving in life requires doing what others tell us but ultimately it requires learning to make decisions for ourselves. So when I ask myself what I want for my children, it is to help them learn the skill of critical thinking, to learn to make decisions for themselves and then evaluate those decisions -- small decisions at first (not overwhelming choices) and then larger decisions later.
Thriving in life requires learning the skill of taking on challenges. And there is a great deal of research that shows that we don't help children learn to take on challenges by berating them (calling them garbage, as in the Tiger Mother book) or by over-praising them either: Amy Chua is right--that can really make kids feel like garbage. The studies of Carol Dweck of Stanford University show parents and teachers can help children have a mindset where they succeed by praising the effort they make or the strategies they use, not criticizing or praising their personal competencies.
Thriving in life requires learning to work with others, to learn what I call the skill of perspective taking. This is the point that David Brooks made in his eloquent column in the New York Times yesterday. This is something I clearly want for my children. And kids learn that by being with other kids -- and yes, sleepovers and playdates are good forums for those kinds of learning, but only if we use them as learning opportunities and help our kids understand what others are thinking and feeling.
Amy Chua says that she thinks that children should learn skills and on that we agree. I just would have a different list of skills than she does. Mine include focus, self control, perspective taking, critical thinking, and being a self-directed learner. That's what I would want for my children to succeed in high school and life.
Follow Ellen Galinsky on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ellengalinsky
This is why I recently started homeschooling my son, "Let’s start with the math. Forget about preschool, forget about college, kids are looking at about 1300 hours (180 X 7) of school a year for thirteen years, that’s about 17,000 hours; throw in, conservatively, another 3,000 hours for homework. We’re talking about 20,000 hours, double Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 Hour Rule. For what?
Don’t we want to teach the concept of opportunity cost? With all that time invested, shouldn’t our children be experts in something other than getting into college?"
http://learnmeproject.com/2010/11/19/the-thrill-is-gone/
they were in the "middle" of some of the motivated in the country at the time
I've observed hundreds of children as an educator and as a parent, and while many within certain ethnic groups excel at academics, these same young people don't always necessarily live socially satisfying lives. I have observed young people are are bereft of opportunities who go on to have meaningful lives through their own will to meaning.
Tiger Mom's approach does not sit well with my own experiences nor with my own philosophy of child rearing. Nor did Benjamin Spock's in earlier times.
We all have our own concept of happiness but let's not fool ourselves, it mostly comes down to love and being loved when the journey is nearing the end. "Love is a many-splendored thing", as we all know, and as Mrs Chua will learn someday (hopefully).
Which is not to say a little commonsense all-round wouldn't hurt here. No extreme is ideal.
She's a complete narcissist, making sure that these little extensions of her live up to her impossibly high (and narrow) standards, and alternately praising and devaluing them. Sounds like straight-up narcissistic personality disorder to me.
Because one is all about academics and the other is all about 'life sense and common sense" - stuff that goes well beyond what it takes to get straight A's in High School. www.cmrubinworld.tumblr.com
btw, have you noticed how 5 and 7 year old bratty kids talk to their parents in public, wonder what goes on behind closed doors in their homes????...some western parents act like they are afraid of their kids,
makes one wonder.
"I keep asking myself, why is it that the kids who excel in high school don't necessarily do well in life?"
Actually, any of my classmates who excelled academically are successful now, but it's the ones who had the greatest popularity, influence and were the best looking are the ones who are least successful now.
The ones who had strong hobbies, did well in school or had strict parents are definitely WAY more successful.
But no, I won't be using Tiger Mother strategies when I have kids, but I'll make sure they have a tutor if they are doing badly in a subject (getting C-grades), make sure they have good hobbies and stick with them (I did tap, jazz and ballet and it kept me out of trouble) and ensure they have a healthy diet, but nothing overboard.
We'd have a nation of violin-playing Ralph Reed Robots as middle managers.
I'm not sure I agree with that. In my own life, happiness has always been related, very strongly, to academic or professional success. I am never happier than when I have achieved some academic or professional goal. Work is my life. Now, maybe some people think this is a sad way to live. But, I genuinely get great pleasure out of my work, and I'm always striving for success.
1. "I keep asking myself, why is it that the kids who excel in high school don't necessarily do well in life"
HUH? Where did you get this? In what sense do they not "do well in life"? Do you have any evidence to support this at all? Latest research shows that high education levels are linked to lower divorce rates (likely because people with higher education tend to marry late). This is obviously just one arbitrary criteria. But, it would seem to suggest that high academic achievers tend to do fine when it comes to personal relationships. I would be interested to know, however, how you define "not doing well in life".
2. "I just would have a different list of skills than she does. Mine include focus, self control, perspective taking, critical thinking, and being a self-directed learner."
Uh, I think this is Amy Chua's list. If this is what your list really looks like, then you are probably better off following Chua's methods. The whole theory behind the "Chinese" parenting style is to instill values of hard work, delayed gratification, self control, and achieving excellence.