Stereotyping Kids With Special Needs Is Looksism

Last month, Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley adopted a baby girl from Korea; a new bunch of photos of the proud mama and Naleigh recently came out. Practically every article on them, if not every headline, mentions that the child has "special needs." The couple hasn't elaborated--why should they?--and of course, everyone's eager to know. Roam around the web and you'll see all sorts of musings about how Naleigh looks so...normal. Sample comment from "Just Jared":

Does anyone know what's wrong that makes her a special needs baby? Just curious, because she looks like a healthy little girl. :-)

This stereotyping bugs the hell out of me. I have a little boy with special needs who looks "healthy," though his muscles are pretty screwed up and his brain's got damage. Max had a stroke at birth--yes, babies can have strokes--that resulted in cerebral palsy. Yet to glance at him, he seems like any other cute, happy six-year-old. He's able to walk; the cp mostly affects the way he uses his hands and his speech.

Max is in a school with kids who have Down Syndrome. Some of them are a lot more functional than Max is, though I am sure some people would assume just the opposite. And that's looksism, pure and shallow. It's harmful, too, either way. It means that people can underestimate the abilities and intelligence of people with special needs who "look" the part. It means that people may hesitate to help people with special needs who don't "look" the part.

There have been times, when Max was younger, that I've had to beg cooks at restaurants to puree his food because they didn't quite get Max (he doesn't chew all that well). Once, a guy manning the bouncy castle at our annual block party wouldn't let me go in with Max, who can have major trouble with balance. "Oh, he's fine!" he said. "He can walk!" Max couldn't get off his butt and started crying, he was so scared. Guilty-faced, the guy let me in.

Appearance is no indication of abilities [insert cheap Sarah Palin crack here]. Let's get past the looks, people--and the special needs witch hunt.

Ellen Seidman is a magazine editor, mom of two and professional snacker. Her blog is To The Max.

 

 

Comments

[Turtleposer]

Because of a facial defect, when I was younger a number of people thought I was "slow." Now that I'm older, doctors think the way my face looks is due to a stroke. I cut the doctors some slack because they have to consider all factors in my health. It used to bother me that people underestimated my abilities. Now, it's a secret weapon.

I used to think that people who didn't look disabled but had handicapped license plates were scamming the system until I was hit temporarily by drug-induced high blood pressure. I went from being a fast walker to someone who couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I've learned that I don't know everyone's story & I'm not the judge of everyone.

Remember, the turtle is slow, but beats the rabbit.

[Kim Stagliano - Huffpost Blogger]

I havde three girls with autism, and we run into problems because they happen to be very atrractive- with no outward signs of their disability. Unless you see my dark haired 14 year old beauty suck her thumb, or my bright eyed 9 year old doesn't answer your question, or my 13 year old bolts because of a strange noise. Our kids are expected to by neurotypical, and when they are not, we parents often get the most terribly chastising looks for being "bad parents."

[thinkingwomanmillstone]

How are people supposed to know what your needs are? Are you carrying around a bio and giving it to every casual acquaintance. I do encounter people on a daily basis that haven't a clue about what my 20 year old autistic son needs or doesn't need. It's a fact of life. The more he is out and about, the more people will have experiences that will enable them in their next interaction with him and others. I refuse to see my son as a victim of meaningless interactions. I am allergic to shellfish. I don't expect restaurants to know this in advance or by looking at me. I just take responsiblity for myself. Don't get me wrong. I am a strong advocate for my son and others with disabillities. I just don't think everything is based on bias or is deliberately mean. I don't judge people who can't guess an obviously disabled person's needs or a less obviously disabled person's needs just by looking. I can't judge a stranger's experience with, awareness of or ability to cope with my son't disability just be looking either. I just speak up if needed.

[PlaceboStudman]

Just to add to this, if I may, it's not only children who face Looksism, but adults with "special needs" (can we just call them disabilities, please!?) I don't know how many times people see me, and see that I am wheelchair bound, and automatically assume that I have cognitive delays as well. And, I do, but the fact that they assume that I do without bothering to find out is what bugs me. People need to start judging people for who we ARE, not who their preconceived notions expect us to be

[OtayPanky]

PlaceboStudman: People need to start judging people for who we ARE, not who their preconceived notions expect us to be.

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You're asking the impossible. It's a fact of human nature that we all judge people, places and things based on what we've known from the past. It's one of the traits that defines intelligence - and not just human intelligence, either.

Here's a basic truth: If you ask/demand the impossible from others, you're going to be continually disappointed, annoyed, or frustrated because the world isn't living up to your expectations.

On the other hand, if you expect people to react in predictable ways and they do - then you can come up with any number of creative strategies to modify their judgements when it is important to you, without getting all bent out of shape.

See the post by thinkingwo­manmillsto­ne above for a good example of someone doing this.