Heartache, fear, and guilt is flooding Southern California because of the brutal kidnapping, robbery and murder of Los Angeles high school student Lily Burk. "If only, if only, if only..."
What I'm about to say in this column could possibly be interpreted as laying guilt or blame upon either Ms. Burk or her parents. Neither is true: I have nothing but deep empathy for them. They did nothing wrong; they are not to blame. That said, there are actions to take and worst case scenarios to consider so that Lily's murder might ultimately make a profound difference.
The problem is that parents are at a huge disadvantage because their own parents, and their own parents before them and so on, most likely had no real knowledge about facing violence. Please stop this legacy of ignorance! Here are some general rules:
• Give up property -- If an assailant wants money or the car, give it to them. They might go away.
• Do not give up your body -- Do not go with anyone to a secondary crime scene. Better to resist or run from the primary encounter. Resistance from the intended victim is apt to result in the perpetrator giving up, witnesses reporting/helping, or in the worst case, at least leaving forensic evidence for clues.
• Work out a "code" word so your family knows you're in trouble -- Agree that if and when you call and say something agreed upon like, "Is that Lassie barking?" it actually means, "Help me."
• If you've been taken, look to escape every chance you can. Don't give up -- Injuries from jumping out of a car can be less hazardous than getting further along with an increasingly desperate criminal.
• Do not believe a person who says "Be quiet go with me and I won't hurt you." -- They have already hurt you by committing the crime of kidnapping. Be loud and don't go with them.
• Insist that schools provide a state required self-defense component -- (Physical Education Framework for California Public Schools Education Code Section 51225.3(a)(1)(F)) If you're not in California, see what state laws may already be in existence that require combative skill units in physical education. You may need to help introduce legislation.
If I had a magic wand, I'd require everyone to be educated in personal safety, which includes the study and practice of how to avoid or confront violence. Why shouldn't we include study and questions about violence in our DMV manuals and tests? Require a realistic self-defense component for every underage driver's license applicant or no license.
We license drivers because we are not in denial that death or serious injury can occur when we drive. There are government regulations and huge industries based on the absolute acceptance we have of the dangers of driving: insurance, car safety equipment, drivers' education classes. We test teens for rules and acuity on the road when they arrive at this social milestone of maturity. Similarly, we need the basics of knowledge about violence before we get a license to drive. Simple. I propose that a new milestone for maturity must include education in realistic scenario situations with violent people, not just other out-of-control motorists.
Meanwhile, there are non-governmental experts that teach general personal safety rules and self-defense, like drivers' education companies. I happen to be on the board of one of the best non-profit providers in the U.S., IMPACT Personal Safety.
There are many other great personal safety providers all over the country, such as GirlsFightBack or the National Women's Martial Arts Federation. When looking for classes, make sure that they address two things: 1) socialization issues that render girls and women helpless because they've been taught to believe they are incapable of protecting themselves and 2) have some type of method of creating realistic stress-inducing scenarios. Just as we train paramedics and other first responders in realistic "rehearsals," everyone should learn basics in managing violence in case that happens.
Everyone knows that even the most knowledgeable drivers with years of experience can encounter conditions too overwhelming for them to handle safely. That said, knowing full well that general rules are not going to address every specific circumstance, general rules and tips help because they engage thinking about driving hazards. Similarly, there are predictably hazardous human beings in the world: while when, where and with whom they become dangerous is often unpredictable, how one might deal with them is more under our control and easy to learn. Will the rules and tips work every time? No. Nothing works in emergencies 100 percent of the time. They help, though.
If my parents knew what I know, they would never have let me get a driver's license without also requiring that I have an adrenalin-based self-protection component. They knew they could not be with me all the time and that I wanted freedom.
When I was 15, my Dad took me out on a frozen lake, told me to accelerate and slam on the brakes. I've never been so out of control. That was Daddy's version of adrenalin-based training. After that, I never sped on ice. He knew that telling me to drive slowly on ice would go in one thick ear and out the other. He knew too many dead teens and heartbroken parents. He knew ice can kill.
People kill too. One of the hazards of being in the world is there are not only random acts of kindness but there are also random acts of cruelty. Accused murderer Charlie Samuel didn't pick Lily for personal reasons. He picked Lily because she was there.
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of heartache.
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Every child (and adult) should take a personal safety class. I think some classes get branded "self defense" classes, when they truly are about personal safety and awareness.
Having grown up in a violent household enduring constant beatings from my older brother who was much larger and stronger than I, upon leaving home I took self-defense training. In addition to enabling me to deal with aggression physically, it also built up my sense of self-confidence and helped me learn how to defuse aggressors before they got to the point of striking out with their fists. I learned that I did not have to be a big tall muscle man in order to be able to defend myself; developing self-defense strategies and skills through training proved to be more important than sheer body mass or strength.
Physical self-defense training should be part of our education of all young people. Many men and boys think they know how to fight or defend themselves, when in reality they do not and thus find themselves at a huge disadvantage when danger from an aggressor actually occurs. Feeling confident in one's ability to cope with danger is hugely empowering and is beneficial not only to oneself but to those around us as well.
This statement from Ellen Snortland sums it up beautifully:
"I'm advocating a simple notion that we train our teens -- boys too -- in emergency management skills that include what to do with violent people."
EVERYONE needs to know how to prepare for dangerous situations and how to protect themselves when such occurs.
Thank you for your continued advocacy of physical self-defense training.
The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 3, articulates the right to "security of person."
Even single cell organisms have boundaries, right?
Thanks for commenting.
I remember the code word I had with my mother when I traveled to Alaska in my teens was Banana. Not sure how I would have worked that into a sentence without notice.
As a child raised to be an "always turn the other cheek" pacifist I took a lot of physical and verbal abuse in my younger years. It wasn't, for some odd reason, until after my beer drinking college years that I learned there were certain people and times that definitely called for a strong word or fist. I really do wish I could have learned that lesson much earlier in life though.
My grandfather was an NRA lobbyist and taught us how to handle guns at a young age. We had a healthy respect for firearms and learned their capabilities and downfalls. I'm not sure carrying a firearm is the answer, but it might be. I do like to spend some time cleaning my rifles on my porch when I move into a new neighborhood though:)
How about a fly rod for gun exchange program?
www.troutlegend.com
It has to do with contents of pockets, etc.
That's why you've got to figure out a code word that isn't a non sequitur. Something like, "Is that Lassie barking?" can be interpreted as a "real" question.
I believe that learning self-defense basics is important for armed or unarmed people. You always have your elbows and legs whereas a weapon is not as easy to use or locate, right?
And you're right, if everyone could just fish, our world would work better!
Thanks for your comment. Go do your homework.
If we could extend this idea to provide a broader range of age appropriate self-protection education in our public schools, wouldn't this be wonderful? Include information about assault dynamics and a range of psychological, verbal, and physical self-defense strategies for encounters with intimate partners, strangers, power figures, you name it -- Well, I can dream, can't I?
Finally, as a self-defense teacher, I have found the National Women's Martial Arts Federation to be an invaluable resource for my own continuing education and professional development, particularly through their certification process and annual conferences (http://www.nwmaf.org/mc/page.do?sitePageId=54603&orgId=nawmaf ). Thank you, Ellen, for mentioning this resource.
What a resource all over the world. Thanks to people like you and Joanne, the world is safer...
Thank you for all the work you do.
Thanks for writing. And thanks for your comments. BTW, would you know what to do in a threatening situation?
IN FACT JUST ABOUT EVERYONE HAS A GUN ALREADY, HAS IT MADE ANY ONE SAFER?
THAT IS ALMOST LIKE SAYING AN EVANGELICAL IS A REAL CHRISTIAN OR
THAT REPUBLI'CON's CARE ABOUT SOMETHING BEDSIDES MONEY.
CRAZY TALK.
Sure, trauma therapy is a lot more expensive than fresh flowers laid graveside each week. A cost I'll gladly pay.
And sometimes a gun is the answer. Especially if the aggressor is male, and the intended victim is a woman. There isn't any amount of feminist research that is going to refute the disparity in upper body strength between men and women.
I'm advocating a simple notion that we train our teens -- boys too -- in emergency management skills that include what to do with violent people.
We're not talking about upper body strength. We're talking about having a no nonsense conversation about the possibility that people might encounter violence and some possible ways to deal with it. Empowering a young person to weigh risks, like, "hmm. Maybe I could run right now, or make a scene, or even jump out of this car," is a useful conversation. Guns are not the topic here.
Even if a person is armed, they are not always able to access the weapon. They are able to access adrenalin based training; think things through under stress, especially if they've been prepared to consider possible scenarios.