The recent resignation of Senator Larry Craig brings up a lot of questions that are ancillary to his arrest and conviction in an undercover sex sting. Besides the jokes about whether or not you should tap your feet in the stall, or ask for toilet paper by putting your hand underneath the partition, or, in fact, just make sure that no-one is next to your stall, to suggestions that it's best to "just hold it", the truth is there are other victims in this incident. I am talking about the residual effects that untoward actions have on spouses or significant others. As former Senator Craig apologized on a bright sunny morning in the Idaho state capitol of Boise, he said, "Most importantly to my wife and my family, I apologize for what I have caused. I am deeply sorry."
Well, what about that? How do his wife, and children carry on? What do they say? As to how they feel? Crummy, or worse, of course. It was suggested by Congressman Bill Sali that the Senator, his wife, Suzanne, their children and grandchildren are due a measure of respect and dignity and decency. I for one, just hope that it passes quickly--not for the Senator--but for his wife, who will have to endure surreptitious glances, whispers, and inward doubt about a long-standing relationship with her husband.
Which brings up the stand by your man question. When DO you stand by your man and how? Why is Hillary vilified for standing by her man? Why is Linda Lay vilified for standing by Kenny Boy as he went down with no help from his friends in the Oval office?
Dina Matos McGreevey, the former wife of Governor James McGreevey has a book coming out this fall. Titled, Silent Partner, A Memoir of my Marriage, she writes that her former husband offered only an indifferent apology after he appeared on national television to announce that he was a "gay American." She writes that before his TV appearance, McGreevey told her what to wear and say after his admission and that she had to conduct herself like Jackie Kennedy. She said she thought their marriage was solid and had no suspicions of his homosexuality. So, is it okay to stand by your man while he outs himself and leaves you looking like a stooge? Is it okay to write a book about the whole sordid affair afterwards? Does that mean you are no longer standing by your man? Does anyone even care? I think people only are interested in the salacious details. It's like not watching a car crash when you drive by. Some part of us wants to see the blood and guts as long as it's not ours.
So, when is it a virtue and when is it a vice to stand by your man? Are we conflicted, or is there some set of unwritten rules? Like 2 strikes and you're out, or outed?
I remember well the Clinton's appearance on 60 Minutes in 1992 when allegations about Governor Clinton's relationship with Gennifer Flowers surfaced. How Hillary, fresh-faced and so supportive, declared that she stood by Bill, like that Tammy Wynette song. What a backlash! In the interview she said, "I'm not sitting here some little woman standing by her man. I'm sitting here because I love and respect him." Well, the rest, as we know is history. When she stood by him again, she has said she stood by the President of the United States. She said dealing with her husband was another issue, and not a public one. Right on!
In the current issue of Vogue there is a lovely puff piece about Michele Obama. I am a big fan of this accomplished woman but took note when the article claimed she was normal, and she stands by her man. Well, duh? He's running for president. Of course, she stands by her man. I presume given her sensibilities she wouldn't be married to him if he didn't measure up to her high standards.
So, forgive me if I am confused, but why is it ok for Michelle to stand by in style, and not for Hillary or Linda Lay? Did Dina stand by and then let go? Do we have an out clause? All I can say is that Suzanne Craig can write a book make a statement or keep quiet. Personally, I would just play the song and hope it all passes.
The truth is that there is no hard and fast strategy or pat solutions to this question. Love will trump cynicism any day. The reality is that there is one answer. We all have to choose what we believe. And then we have to decide if we can live with it.
It's that simple, and it's that personal.
Being a mature woman I grew up as many other women did believing the nonsense we were taught by our religious institutions and parents and these beliefs shaped our lives. Standing by our man was what being a woman was about. Waiting for a man to ask you to marry was/is the norm for many women. The man has the power and the choice and women who don't get asked are destined to be seen as flawed.
Having a career, sex for enjoyment and making personal choices was not. Hence the behaviour in the face of exposures such as this fits with the way the woman has lived and believed.
Single women with careers were called old maids or spinsters. We even played a card game called Old Maid. Forgiveness and turn the other cheek were mottoes. So were the blaming of women if there were problems in a marriage. It was because she wasn't doing something right or wasn't taking care of her man. Oh and so much more. These deep beliefs are hard to change.
There are many woman today who make life choices by what they have been taught to believe about themselves and their options by mostly male political systems, religions institutions and parents.
I believe we must take the belief systems of people into account when we look at their actions. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism for dealing with what can be the discovery of a truth that perhaps should have been seen but was overlooked and rationalized by the desire for the achievement of other goals. Some people are also really good at conning and are excellent liars. With time and experience hindsight can help us understand how and why decisions were made.
And really is it anyone's business if Mrs, Craig, Hillary Clinton, or anyone else stays in their marriage. Who could think that the choice to stay is not noble, difficult and that it doesn't take loads of forgiveness and plain old guts, well go ahead and live in your pretend world.
No what I really want to say is "Bug out". It is none of our business.
But I've been married a lot longer now.
And I can see how your life is so entwined, enmeshed and impossible to separate from your spouses.
I think our views on this change as we mature with our relationships.
But politicians are deranged to begin with so I guess the arguments don't hold water.
Suzanne Thompson sold her soul when she married Craig in 1983 to have someone to adopt and raise her three children, support her financially, and elevate her from single parenthood status to "Mrs. Senator Craig."
Most news reports state Craig has three children and nine grandchildren, not mentioning that none of them are his biologically.
His wife, whom he married when he was 38, has known the score probably from day one, and stands by him because she has no choice if she wants to retain her comfortable lifestyle and not be on the receiving end of his petulant, bullying, and childish tantrums, or be divorced, evicted and/or cut off financially for not upholding her end of the bargain.
According to another of his beards who "dated" him for a few years before he married Suzanne, the most intimate thing he ever did for her was open doors and hold her chair, never once even holding her hand.
Based on this, it is debatable whether he has ever had a physically intimate relationship with a woman. I question the fact-finding of those who "defend" him as being bisexual, and therefore, truthful when he said, "I am not gay."
I personally have no pity or respect for this woman who made her deal with the devil years ago with her eyes wide open.
How about a little sisterhood, y'all.
Hillary has some explaining to do. She has to tell us why we should think of her as strong when she lacked the backbone to leave.
She wanted to run for president as a married woman not a divorced one. Afterall, in our society, it's considered more dignified to be married to a cheating husband than to be divorced. She knew what she was doing all along. Hillary is a true politican (unfortunately).......
But, it has always looked to me as if they have a deep love and know a thing or three about how life really is- and not our story-book ideas of how it should be.
If that includes her decision to run for President, great. So what? And...would she make a good one? THAT is our business. Her husband who she stood by was one of the great Presidents who served this country well in most all respects. His personal life is not our business now, nor was it then.
I thought that you were going to do some real soul searching in reguards to how a woman,any woman, will stand up to her mans follibles. Sounds better than picadillos. Instead you just had to work it around to Hillary and her tribulations. Lets really take a look at these women and chipher out how they were raised so that the aberrant behaviors of their man: all of a sudden fall upon them and they for some reason have to deal with that man's hidden ego.
My whole life I have tried to make a better path for men, there have been lapses of misogeny, but we learn by doing. Now,as we have seen, with Senator Vitter and Craig, there are moral lapses and to dismiss this with a sorry "stand by your man" thought pattern ignores how a woman came to that position. How was she raised and in what cicumstance did she arise from that put her into such a place. A place where she has his guilt rubbed off her.
footsore
Mrs. Craig should have had the courage to stand up for herself -- maintain some dignity and tell the old fool he was on his own. It's one thing to humiliate and debase oneself, as in the case of Sen. Craig -- it's quite another to make your spouse share your shame -- there's very little to salvage from all these situations.
The next time this happens, and there will indeed be a next time, and another next time.... I just hope the "little woman" will have the balls to JUST SAY NO!
It is the money and the life style that they stay for certainly not for love.