When I was getting divorced, a men's group invited me to an information session they were having with a family law lawyer. I thought I could learn some helpful tips, but I feared I wouldn't fit in. These divorced men were probably domineering and controlling -- that's why their wives divorced them. I, on the other hand, was a nice guy who tried hard to make his wife happy but she didn't appreciate me.
I went. The other men were the nicest guys you could ever meet. They all couldn't understand why their ex-wives didn't appreciate them. Each one blamed the ex. For them, the only solution was for the ex-wives to change.
When I blamed the ex, I was convinced I was right. But when I heard other men saying similar things, I wasn't convinced. I asked them what suddenly became obvious: What should you have done differently? What did you need to learn? Their answers were similar - they married the wrong person and they learned what they should look out for the next time around.
What I asked them, I had to ask myself: What should I have done differently? What did I, as a man, need to learn? I didn't want to go through another divorce.
Thus began my journey seeking wisdom on being a man. The first thing I learned from listening to other men is that a lot of us are confused. We were told to be sensitive. We so feared being accused of being controlling, we went to the other extreme and wanted women to make most of the decisions. We tried so hard to please - and couldn't understand why women were so frustrated with us.
On my journey, I read books on marriage and relationships but they said little to me about being a man. I then explored the teachings that men had written over the centuries on what it means to be a man - insights that fathers and other older male role models used to teach younger men. I was amazed how these timeless lessons were so relevant today and directly applicable to complaints I heard from women about what is lacking in men today. The three most important insights I learned were:
Show leadership -- One of the biggest complaints women have is that men don't show their share of leadership. When a man is oblivious to problems and leaves dealing with them to the woman, she feels like a single parent. Women admire men who are aware of situations and step forward to handle them.
Make decisions -- Don't think if you avoid making decisions, you avoid responsibility for the outcome. You are still responsible. A man needs to make his share of decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. To many women, a man who avoids making decisions is shirking his duties.
Take responsibility -- Forget about blaming. Take responsibility for what's going on in your home and improve the situation. If you give in to something your wife pressured you to do and it goes wrong, don't blame her. There is little sympathy for a man who blames a woman. People will say, "You're the man. Why did you let it go on?"
I worked on developing these traits. When I shared what I learned with other men - such as the fellows in the divorced men's group - some disagreed but most asked why nobody had taught them this before. A divorced woman told me she wished her husband had known this - if he had, their marriage would not have disintegrated.
I realized that blaming and thinking the only solution was for another person to change was avoiding responsibility. As I learned more of what I should have done differently, I realized that men need to see challenges with spouses as opportunities to grow as men. My new relationships are better. And I stopped blaming the ex.
www.DrChristineFernandez.com
I can do that for myself alone much more easily.
I think that healing and growth after divorce requires you to understand which of your behaviors did not benefit you or your marriage AND how your spouse's behaviors contributed to problems. Then, I think you have to work on changing your problem behaviors.
I now know what I want to do differently in relationships, and I also know that the problems we had between us could have been dealt with openly, honestly, and successfully. I know as well that we'll never have a chance to do that. I also know she has some really big problems, but they are hers to deal with. She's also made some very big mistakes in regard to our children, and unfortunately, we all have to deal with those.
i joined a divorce support group for a short time several years ago and was surprised that there were more men than women - not what i expected at all.
more surprises: the men there had all been left by wives (of many years) and were stunned - they couldn't believe it had happened. they were all good providers, and none had wanted to get divorced.
as the stories unfolded, however, one common theme became obvious and almost universal - all these heartbroken men had spent most of their marriages on the road for one reason or another, mostly work. their wives spent years alone taking care of the children and home. eventually, most found another man.
and before i go any further, yes, of course, it can be true of men and women.
there's nothing about these stories that were redeeming, but they were enlightening. if you're going to get married, don't think you can do it on autopilot. pay real attention to your spouse - after all, you chose each other for a reason.
of course what you've heard of is true... and of course there are just as many wives who were left when their husbands met another woman.
i find it's useful to remember that for every cheating man, there's a woman he cheats with and for every cheating woman... well, you get the point. adultry takes (at least) two.
My ex-fiancee (as of this past weekend) didn't want to take responsibility for anything (the list is rather long in retrospect). But he wanted me to treat him like a "man". Everything became about ways in which life had to comfortable for him, as a man. When I tried to approach him as a woman he would tell me to keep it to myself, once he suggested hormone therapy (I'm a healthy 29 year old)! And he began to become somewhat humiliating I guess... In effect, why am I supposed to listen to his feelings because he is the man, when he forces me to suppress my feelings as a woman?!?
But I'm starting to wonder if he, despite having an enormous ego actually didn't have confidence in himself as a man, and if he trusted that I would accept him in his essential masculinity?
Ultimately I feel like I'm too old to be waiting around for this male specie to figure it out for himself!
5 Years of patience and understanding down the drain!
It is never a big surprise that men don't know what women want. Women often times do not know what they want. Women do want men to lead though there are caveats. If a woman tells a man he is controlling or overbearing it probably is because he isn't taking her desires into account while "leading". He is likely making decisions from the point of view of what makes him happy rather than what would make her or both of them happy. While certainly you don't want to be controlling. Most guys aren't the husband from Sleeping With The Enemy. He probably couldn't be helped. The fact that you care what your wife thinks and wants means you aren't him so relax. Listen to her. She will probably tell you if you are doing something wrong. Though women can be much more subtle than men so you have to pay closer attention.
I hope men read this article and take it to heart. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break one. Until an individual is willing to own their part in the demise of a marriage they haven't matured enough to be married in the first place.
Divorced Women Online
I led. She did not follow. I made the decision to leave after her affair (with a pastor-in-training, no less). And ultimately I took responsibility for our child. I did my part. The rest, including the BPD she refuses to acknowledge, is her problem.
No amount of leadership, or counseling, can stop the momentum of a new person in your spouse's life.
2) Women want good looking men to make decisions.
3) Women want good looking men to take responsibility.
Face it: If your woman had wanted you to lead, she would have let you.