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Ellis Weiner

Ellis Weiner

Posted March 1, 2009 | 03:12 PM (EST)

GOP Squad '09!


They're young. They're hip. They're "bad." They've got conservative vibes and a with-it vocabulary full of talking points and "buzz words" and they really know what's happening, baby. They can bum out the seniors with some hairy entitlement alarmism, and then hang loose with the Jesus Freaks by coming on all traditional-values and stuff. And they can rap with the kids, too, tweeting their wiki down the google tubes and blogging their browsers in high-def in your facebook, luv. They work for The Man and even sometimes for The Woman. They function within the System, because they do their own thing, and the System is their thing.

If it feels good, they tell you not to do it and then they do it. If it sounds good, they say it. If it polls good, they support it--or they say they do, or they say they did whether they did or not and hey: If it doesn't add up, make sense, or prove true; if the scene goes bad or the vibe gets bummed, that's your hang-up. They're not "escaping Reality." They're building their own Reality. And they've been brought together by one man who believes they can get down, get funky, and get votes all at the same time.

They call themselves the GOP Squad. Check out their happening thing:

SARAH!--She's young. She's fine. She's a mom and a governor and a rising star of the far right and a stone cold double-talking wolf-shooting fox. Her old man's a hunk who used to want to secede from the Union, 'cause Alaska is outta sight. You know Sarah's hip to the environment, 'cause she's got a dead crab on her coffee table the size of a schnauzer. She blows off global warming, too, because it snowed somewhere last week and the chick is cool. Brains? She's reads so many newspapers she can't remember any of them.

And feature this: the lady lobbies for scratch (for a bridge to, like, Nowhere, man) and then she hears it's not groovy? She says she didn't want it from Jump Street. And then cops it anyway! That's 'cause she doesn't dig the whole Socialism thing, and every time she lays some bread on her constituents via their annual share of the income realized from investing the royalty revenue from the oil companies' exploitation of the Prudhoe Bay oil reserves, she hips them to it, and it's beautiful. She talks the talk even when she's too busy laying the groundwork for the 2012 campaign to walk the walk. So ask her anything. She'll be lip-flappin' and jive-talkin' 'til you wig out bad, baby.

MIKE!--What if they gave a Republican Party and everybody came? That's Mike, Chairman-With-No-Hair-Man of the GOP. But hey. Never you mind that chrome dome, Jerome--Mike is five freaking months younger than Dem Chair Tim Kaine and that, in essence, is what-it-is. He's black, you understand, so the brother possesses what most people can agree is a reasonable quantity of soul. The cat knows how The Machine works 'cause he was part of it--in state Government, that whole trip. Now he's laying down some righteous riffs.

Says government jobs aren't jobs, they're "work." Says the Party needs to let the sunshine out with a boss and groovy Hip-Hop-type packaging approach of marketing and "branding" and so forth. Says the way to bring power to the People is to let Republicans lead 'em out of the Big Economic Muddy they got us into because they got us into it. Says jobs that go away "come back."

You tell him: Hey, man. But that's like a cop-out. Big banks are crashing and don't know how to value their assets from a hole in the ground, and the Dow is barely more than half of what it was, and this bad trip is global. What does Mike say? He says, "Small businesses will get us out of this." You say: Oh wow. The small businesses that are going bankrupt? The ones that need credit and can't get it? The ones that only exist thanks to contracts with big businesses, as GM goes belly-up and CitiCorp gets nationalized? He says, There it is.

That's Mike's bag. It's a backwards-upside down-trickle up-psychedelic freakout. It'll do a number on your head 'cause it's got levels. Because everything is everything and This Is It. Far fucking out.

BOBBY!--He's young. He's smooth. His ancestors were Indian and he looks kinda black and his parents were Hindu--like Ghandi. But there is no need to flip out or become up-tight. When Bobby speaks he sounds more like Mister Rogers than Mister Nehru, and he converted to Catholicism. Which is cool, and fab, and very, very gear, our-Judeo-Christian-heritage-wise. Meanwhile, are you interested in heavy? Bobby took part in an actual, somewhat documented, super-tuff exorcism. Not only can he talk to political conservatives, and to religious conservatives, he can talk to demons, okay?

But that's not the limit of the extent to which he is with-it. Bobby is an Intelligent Design head. The cat is a Rhodes Scholar and has a degree in Bio from Brown, so he can get down with the brainiacs. But folks who think the Earth is 6,000 years old and that God produced the beetles dig him, too. Accident? Hang in there, baby--it's politics. There are no accidents. Contradiction? There are no contradictions, although sometimes there are. Schizophrenic? Yes and no. When it comes to irreducible complexity, Bobby's as irreducible and complex as they come.

Like Sarah, he can tell a story: Said he was there, when Katrina went down, in a sheriff's office as the fuzz got righteously P.O.'d at a Fed bureaucrat for withholding boats to rescue folks from their flood-imperiled pads. Then it turned out he wasn't there, only heard the pig yakkity-yakking about it on the phone days later.

Like Mike, he has a mantra: "Americans can do anything." It's "Om mani padme hum" Looziana-style. Say it long enough and it changes the universe. Or at least folks think it does. Or at least Bobby thinks folks think it does. Because it's all in your head.

CAPTAIN RUSH: A gentle giant who's only giant horizontally and is anything but gentle. Irascible-but-lovable-but-obnoxious-but-loud, with a crusty exterior concealing a heart of soft, warm hate, he's the one in charge, the grown-up, the boss. This was his idea, to bring together these three non-conformist rebel-hot-heads-patriots-symbols-of-conservative-resurgence-with-racial-ethnic-and-gender-crossover-appeal. Of course he can't do it alone. He's got help. That's where Joe "My Name Isn't Joe And I'm Not a Plumber" The Plumber fits in.

Rush knows that war is not unhealthy for defense contractors and other Republican things. He knows that reality is for people who can't face drugs--and he faces drugs every day. He knows that if Obama fails to solve the problems created by Republican policies, then they weren't created by Republican policies--and if he does solve them, then they weren't problems. Like the I Ching says, you're either on the bus or off the bus; well, dig--Rush is the bus. And he wants to throw America under it every day, in the name of "conservative principles."

If Sarah's finances look hinky, Rush is there to blame everything on Clinton. If Mike goes off-message, Rush is there to call Harry Reid a socialist. If Bobby's speech is a turn-off and a bring-down, with a come-on like a come-down you can put down as a put-on, Rush is there to dub him "the next Ronald Reagan."

The GOP Squad: Three misfits of gender and color, ready to take it to the streets and make the Party happening again. With Michele Bachmann as "Michele, The Embarrassing Secretary" and Mitch McConnell as "The Crypt-keeper."

Can you dig it? Peace out.

Cross-posted at What HE Said