Well, young man, I've got your letter here and, while I normally don't bother sending replies to individual requests (especially at this time of year, for reasons I'm sure you can appreciate), I'm going to answer it. But don't get a swelled head. I have received so many letters just like yours I'm hoping that everyone "out there" who has sent me one will realize that what I say to you applies to them, too.
So here goes:
1. No, I can't bring you the severed head of Dick Cheney. What is the matter with you? Most people seem perfectly content to ask me to stuff Dick Cheney into his HAZMAT suit and drop him off in the International Space Station and leave him there, with his wife, Lynn Cheney, until the end of time. Which I admit is tempting. But it's beyond my ability and, frankly, my job description.
2. No, I can't get the Republican Party declared a public health hazard and have its national and local leaders, currently serving and retroactive to the year 2000, from Congress on down to the precinct level, quarantined in Guantanamo for at least a thousand years. Believe me, I wish I could! That's been a very popular request this year and I hate disappointing so many people. But that sort of thing is simply not possible.
3. The film of a fun-filled National Review cruise to Alaska, featuring guest passengers Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, Michelle Malkin, Jonah Goldberg, Ramesh Ponnoru, Janet Parshall, Dinesh d'Souza, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, and William Bennett, looked possible until I got to the part where you want the ship to collide with an iceberg and go down with all passengers aboard while, somehow, the crew is miraculously saved. Unfortunately, I have to say no to this, too.
Then, I must admit, you wrote something that touched my heart. You said, "Look, Santa, I expect you won't be willing to grant the preceding requests. And I understand why--they're too steeped in the spirit of political animosity and personal disgust. But can you at least assure me--and not only me, but all decent people the world over--that one day George W. Bush will experience the true meaning of the death, destruction, ignorance, fear, and corruption spread both by him, personally, and in his name? Can you promise me that he'll experience at least one second of appropriate shame, horror, guilt, and remorse?"
Ellis, let me put it to you this way: It would be easier to put the Cheneys in a Hazmat suit and send them into outer space.
But don't be sad. You say you've "been good all year," and I believe you. The plasma TV is on its way!
Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas, etc.,
Cross-posted at http://barbel.wordpress.com/
Follow Ellis Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/EllisWeiner