11/24/2010 05:37 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter to TSA-Averse Air Travelers

Dear TSA-Averse Airplane Travelers:

While we admit being patted down on your Thanksgiving travels by a uniformed officer in front of several long lines worth of strangers is an uncomfortable experience, it is far worse for us, the TSA officials doing the full-body grope.

You, the person doing the complaining, probably consider yourself an average American, right? A few kids, a few cars, a few TVs, and, probably, a few extra pounds -- or, according to recent statistics, grossly overweight. So why is it that you're the only ones who get to complain about the pat down? In order to keep our jobs, we have been forced to cop a feel of your saddlebags, muffin tops, bat wings, and back fat as we graze our fingers through your fat rolls. Not just once, but hundreds of times a day. We don't think there's any question who's got it worse.

As an average American, you probably lean slightly right and think this whole shebang is just a leftist government gone amuck. Guess what, this isn't government gone amuck, this is what it feels like to have your civil liberties taken away from you. Don't like it, do you Arizona? You say you feel like you're being harassed when you've done nothing wrong. Well, think about how every single Latino in your state feels. I think the immigrants of Arizona and the others who voted like it have got it far worse than you. And if you're really the patriot you claim to be, you'd know this measure is for your own protection and you should heed the words of your guileless leader Sarah Palin and "man up."

If the pat down is all you have to complain about, really, if this is the worst the world is throwing at you, you have an uncommonly good life. You have gotten way too soft and may we suggest you spend some time in a country where you can lose a hand for stealing an apple or be put to death because you've brought shame to your family for being raped by a stranger. We think after some time in these places, you'd appreciate how great you've got it in the old U.S. of A. and you wouldn't bitch so much.

We hope you'll pipe down and enjoy our complimentary over-the-clothes rub down so we can all keep the skies friendly this holiday season.

All best,

The TSA Staff of Your Nearest Airport