The period that directly follows the dissolution of a long term relationship is extremely volatile, with emotions running the gamut from misery to elation to relief to terror. Part of the process is reconfiguring yourself as a newly single person after years of being half of a twosome. It's a difficult forest to navigate, so here is a brief guide to provide women with some musts and must nots that will probably never be in a self-help book (some of these may also apply to men, but this was written for women specifically.)
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Susan Piver: Self-Help Books: Are They Actually Helpful?
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The laws in NJ have given total exemption to anyone receiving non-taxable disability income no matter what caused the marriage breakup. My estranged husband constantly bragged about the time when he could sit home and do nothing while he received 'disabilities'. He succeeded. 11 years ago while working he was receiving disabilities from the"VA" & "DOL" ($1800 @ mo-Federal) and 3 years later added "SSI" ($600 @ mo-State) after a heart attack. He still receives disability monies and still is an alcoholic (says he's earned it). I can't even collect Social Security retirement...not enough income on record.
Meanwhile ...
Are you a good homemaker? A good cook? Are you still relatively attractive?
I would not typically suggest this but, considering your seemingly limited options, perhaps you might try a free dating site like Plenty of Fish. Or, more closer to home, your county's singles site. There are a lot of good men out there who would love a good homemaker, companion and love.
I'm thinking a woman of the home like you might do well to find a good husband. If you find a good match, you will both be happier and more secure. I don't know .. it's just a thought.
In any case, I wish you peace and the best of luck.(Fanned because you need a friend ... AND your post took effort and was both interesting and moving.)
......If you are in a similar situation or know someone in the same situation, the best thing I can say is to put aside a nest egg for yourself. Do not use it for anything, not even household emergencies. Have someone you absolutely trust open an account and put it in trust for you. That way the bank statements will not come to your house.
......Thanks for opening your heart for me.
I vividly remember going to Bed Bath & Beyond at some point after I got my own dingy little apartment, and suffering a major panic attack right there in the middle of bath accessories. I couldn't breathe and I felt a major wave of sobs pressing in on my chest. I felt like all the merchandise, all the price placards even, were mentally assaulting me, like an episode of Twilight Zone. On the verge of bursting into tears, I dropped everything and literally ran for the door like a thief. I couldn't go into any housewares store for over a year after that. I was traumatized.
Those were the bad old days.
2:20pm
Arlington, VA
How about ripping up all of his photographs in your possession? Good diea or not?
Your histories are tied together. Keeping them in storage might be the thing until you are better. But when you tear down your former mates history, you tear down your own, too.
It may not always be possible, but I think it's good to remain cordial if you can. In time, you may come to appreciate that at least at one time, that other person was a great enough person that you wanted the relationship, and we hope you can have enough self-esteem to value your own choice at the time. ...I hope you can let the pain pass...
...This needn't have been focused just on women, BTW - divorce usually involves a male, too.
In my own situation, far too complex to properly describe in this small space, I'm "the other man", and the divorce that's on my mind is between my soul-mate and her husband. I was with her first, and we broke up over a very complex circumstance that involved serious family, medical, education and employment issues, and not because of how we feel about each other. After breakup, she became pregnant and I am likely the father, but she kept me out of her life, and married someone she didn't love so her son would have a father...
She initiated her divorce after she sought me out and I told her I was ready to pick up where we left off.
We're about 8 months into whatever our relationship is, and it's been rocky. I'm calling 2010 "The Duncan Year"; I've been up and down and spinning so much I feel like the lable on a Duncan yoyo. -heavy-sigh-
I know it's healthy for her, but at the first of this year, she stepped back from us - very inconsiderately by just not responding at all to any communication. Girls, even if you're going through something tough, communicate what you can to those people around you in a considerate manner. Just a few words would help me not be in such pain.
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...I have put our relation ship first - mind and the mothers; if we can become a proper couple once more, the rest will fall into place.
THANK YOU for your post. You don't know - maybe you can guess - how alone I feel about this - I have tears I cannot explain to most, I'm torn so terribly. ...Are there statutes I can use to help demand equality here? My rights? My son's? -heay-sigh.
... I am truly moved. I mostly bottle up the pain I feel because nearly nobody understands... I feel very alone.
-I'm in tears right now-
thank you for them; they've been too long bottled up.
DON'T eat anything bigger than your head.
DON'T stop thinking about tomorrow.