Divorces, like snowflakes, are each one unique in the havoc they wreak on our lives. I am somewhat grateful to the disintegration of my marriage for teaching me a lot about myself and about relationships, and though I wish it hadn't been such a taxing lesson, I wouldn't change a thing. Here are some of the lessons I learned from my divorce.
Marriage isn't just about two people who fit together well. It's about two people who figure out how to fit together well.
When things start to feel a little off in your marriage, that is when you should do something about it. Instead of retreating to your children, your work, your separate friends, video games, or anything else, hoping it'll pass, stop and call out what you see. Discuss it.
Awkward conversations are painful, but they're way easier than divorce, resentment, and heartbreak.
Never marry because it seems like what you should do.
Just getting along with your spouse isn't enough. You have to function as business partners, best friends, and objects of desire.
No matter how secure you may be in your marriage, always keep your friends and family close to you. Your spouse should never be your only emotional support.
You have a right to your happiness. Leaving when things are terrible is sometimes an easier decision than leaving when things are just quietly not great, but it's worth doing.
Once passion is gone, it is hard to get it back. It's easier to turn up a burner that's on simmer-low than to relight the pilot light.
You can survive starting over. You can, as an adult, have your heart broken/break someone's heart, get through separating your things, go through court proceedings, move out of your home, and learn how to be single again.
Further, you can put a bed together yourself. You can kill insects, pick a movie to watch, get your oil changed, throw a party, go grocery shopping -- all of these things are tasks you can do on your own.
Taking a vacation with your spouse in order to reboot your relationship isn't the answer. You've got to be able to have fun with someone while you're at the grocery store, driving home, or just living life. Who wants a vacation spouse?
It's difficult, but it's worth the struggle to keep your emotions from seeping into decision-making that should be cut and dry. For anything from dividing belongings to court hearings, ask yourself "Am I doing this because it's necessary, or to inflict pain?"
Compromise doesn't mean that you change who you are to satisfy another person. It means that you care about someone enough to be willing to adjust yourself so that both of you can benefit. Compromise is not "giving in."
You cannot get through a divorce on your own. Lean on your support group and be willing to let them comfort you. You don't have to be strong all of the time.
Nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter the circumstances of your divorce, it didn't happen TO you, it happened with you. Dive deep and figure out what your part was in your marriage failing. Don't blame yourself, but rather learn from your behaviors -- what you ignored in your spouse, the patterns you fell into, etc. Figure out how you fit in, and it will empower you for future relationships.
Don't ever give up on the idea of love. That's a coward's way out.
Follow Emily V. Gordon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thegynomite
Oh thanks, that kind of gibe is JUST want a recent divorcee needs to hear.
I was married to what I thought was the love of my life for 10 years. I tried. I did everything I could to make her happy. She worked hard to get through the walls I put up after my last divorce, and swore she'd never do what the others did, which was lie and cheat on me. And yet, she did.
I'm 48. I lost what I worked all my life to finally have, a home, a family, someone to love. I'm now back to where I was 10 YEARS ago, only now I'm disabled (Partly because of a car wreck she caused), on disability, and no friggin way to improve my income level. She has two nice incomes through her job and her new boyfriends, and they're living high on the hog in the house my VA paid for.
This was my third marriage. It's not cowardice to put your heart away where no one can hurt you again. It's self defense. For some of us it's the only thing keeping us alive. You pile up the scar tissue as armor. And you never, ever, let another one in. Because the damage is too great to withstand another time. Because you cannot bear to lose it all again.
"you can survive starting over" "you have a right to happiness" "nothing happens in a vacuum".... How about some REAL insights and a new perspective?
Number three has lasted 15 years, thank you very much.
Claire N. Barnes, MA kidsturn@earthlink.net
Executive Director, Kids' Turn www.kidsturn.org
I love your "down-to-earth" approach. If a relationship ends, blaming each other does not help.
Your advice is very useful for those who see the warning signs of a marriage going down the drain early enough. If you want to do something about it, you have to act upon it even if it may feel weird at first.
Although I have heard that some people go through a "smooth" divorce process, for most it is a very painful experience. I still think it does not have to be...