THE BLOG

End-of-School-Year Insanity

05/28/2015 01:00 pm ET | Updated May 28, 2016

Are your children melting down and/or acting out in weird ways? Are they whining on continuous loop like Donald Trump? Mine too.

Do you suddenly find yourself with regular urges to go hermit and hide in your bed, far from all remaining requests to attend school functions, check homework and pack lunches for remaining field trips? Me too.

Are you exhausted and in utter disbelief that soon you face 14 weeks of summer "vacation"? Of course. We all are, even if we're excited for it.

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It is that time of year. School is ending. No one gives a ball about spelling or fractions anymore. Your children have no pants left with both knees intact. Half their socks are missing. Their shoes have holes in the toes, but then again, maybe those help them fit better because really, when was the last time you bought the kids shoes? You let them eat in ways you never will in any given September, simply because you have lost the will to manage anything.

Case in point: At a Memorial Day pool party, my 8-year-old ate four hot dogs in buns slathered with an obscene amount of ketchup before inhaling two brownies and a s'more. I "tried" to tell him this wasn't a great combo, much less a wise amount, but did he hear me? No.

Did I step in? Not aggressively.

Did he feel like complete ass afterwards? Yes.

Meanwhile, I want to sue my dog, Percy, for emotional distress. Doesn't that damn animal know I have 900 teacher gifts to make? I don't feel like walking him in 85 degree weather. Not because I don't enjoy heat but because I know him, and in said heat, he gets just beyond our gate, rolls on to his back, pants maniacally and refuses to go.

If we go back inside, the insane bark-fest resumes, and I want to kill him. So, I make him walk but what that really looks like is me dragging a pug on his back around the neighborhood while muttering curse words under my breath. It's ridiculous.

6½ days left, people. At least for us. And the next day my youngest gets four more cavities filled which is obviously a superb way to celebrate the end of school.

May the force be with us all!