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Please Stop Forcing Me to Look at Your Paleo Dishes

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A friend of mine, who is now the father of an apple-cheeked blonde little boy, used to have a disgusting hobby. He would photograph his bowel movements and text the pictures to his buddies. They, being college-aged guys, found this hilarious and would do the same in return. That Instagram was not yet created when this "game" was in its heyday, makes me look up to the heavens and say a prayer of thanks.

Because no one, aside from immature young men and scatophiles, wants to see pictures of poop. There is nothing appealing in a photograph of a brown lump of waste. Which reminds me. Enough of the damn Paleo food photos already.

Everytime I see one, this is what goes through my mind:

Oh, that steak you just posted a grainy, washed-out photo of is grass fed? I can totally tell. The "Kelvin" filter really helped.

That lump of shapeless "noodles" made from a scary-sounding Japanese vegetable looks just delicious. Especially to whatever creature on the food chain lives off tapeworms.

You're kidding, you did 25 burpees without throwing up? Judging by what you ate for dinner last night that is quite a feat. Good for you. I hope you enjoy your celebratory kale.

I'm sure I sound bitter (and fat) complaining about my friends excitement over their new health routines, which have them feeling incredible. To be honest, they look incredible, too. But you know what isn't incredible? iPhone pictures of plates of home-cooked food. There is a reason that "professional food photographer" is a real career. Because it's hard to take a picture of food and it not look like shit. Sometimes literally. I'm looking at you, grass-fed steak.

My real problem isn't in the constant pictures of food or humblebrag updates on weight loss. It's the obsessive nature that takes over anyone who seems to be following Paleo. Does something happen in your brain when you cut out grains, that replaces well-rounded interests with a passion for CrossFit? What is it about not eating sugar that makes people so... smug?

Maybe it's like Scientology. Since I still eat toxic polluting bread (thetans) I can't understand the higher level of satisfaction that comes with cleansing myself through a Paleo diet. What the movement really needs is a spokesperson that could explain it to the rest of us, like Scientology's Tom Cruise. I'm pretty sure Jennifer Aniston hasn't eaten bread in about 20 years, so she might be game.

Or perhaps the constant Paleo updaters are like my friends who post sickeningly sweet statuses and photos shortly before they break up with their significant other. The constant public assurance of how happy they are not eating delicious, delicious cheese is a way to try and convince themselves that Paleo really is the way to go. An affirmation that it's not a fad like that other "diet" that cut out grains and focused on meat, Atkins.

Eating, like bathing, working, and sleeping, is a part of all of our lives. But it's one part. Not "the" part. Which is where my annoyance with the most diehard of Paleo proselytizers comes from. It's a sad society we live in if the most exciting things we have to talk about, photograph, and get excited for, is our food. No matter how pretty you may think it is (it's not.)

Please, don't be like that annoying girl who insists of lettings us know how many days are left until her marriage (101!!! Omg!!) Don't make all of us bear witness to your hyper-focused interest on something that, try as we might, we just don't care about. Post something about your life, your family, a funny story, anything other than a breakdown of your diet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some very important photos of my dog that I need to put up on Facebook.