Recipe for Staying Home Sick When Your Mom Isn't Around
When your head is under water, your stomach is on strike, or your throat feels like the inside of a knife block, it's natural to want to stay home and have someone take care of you. Of course, there's no substitute for that ineffable balance of "you poor thing" and "for your own good" that makes mom care so safe and comforting... but as the Hippocratic Oath says, there's no harm in giving it a shot, right?
Recipe Yield: 1 robust immune system
1 sick lump (you)
1 lb. decisiveness
supplies (as needed)
6-8 movies (low grade)
1-2 friends (local)
1 gallon of liquid (orange juice recommended)
1 cozy outfit
Start by verifying grade of sick lump. Blend potential sick lump and decisiveness on couch and wait for initial reaction. If potentially sick lump is unable to leave couch or forgets how she got there, she is certifiably sick and ready to fuse with couch.
Prep couch by wrapping seating cushions in one blanket. Place pillows on blanketed couch and fold second blanket into the mix for additional comfort, creating warm cocoon where lump can nest.
Prepare 1-2 friends for imminent fusion of sick lump and couch. This eliminates orphan-like feelings and creates potential pipelines for future supply retrieval.
If sick lump is well enough to separate from couch and use legs, gather supplies as needed (soup, food, Advil, tissues, etc.)* If sick lump proves unable to work legs, call upon 1-2 aforementioned friends for aid.
After supplies have been gathered, place sick lump in shower and rinse. There can be a natural repulsion between sick lump and running water. No matter how unnatural it feels to shower in a moment like this, you must.
Dress sick lump in cozy outfit and place on couch surround by movies. Even if sick lump has concentration only for .38 films, the point is to be pampered by a bevy of selectables.
Turn on film and set to screen. Full couch fusion should occur within a matter of minutes.
Open orange juice (or ginger ale/ H2O in case of upset stomach) and add to sick lump over the course of the film, introducing alternate supplies as needed. Repeat process as necessary.
When sick lump naturally detaches from couch, tuck sick lump into bed. Sleep until lump is sturdy (roughly 8-12 hours). If lump does not hold shape upon waking, reassess grade of lump and repeat process as necessary. If symptoms persist for more than 2 days, you may want to consult an actual mother (or doctor).
* For anything other than an upset stomach, this should include a gallon of orange juice. For an upset stomach (which the acidity of OJ can further upset), ginger ale and saltines are recommended.
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