This week's episode of "The Bachelorette" confirmed once and for all what we all already knew: Ryan Bowers is the absolute worst. And among fame-hungry "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" contestants, that's an impressive distinction. The one high point in Ryan's douchery last night was that if gave our fair bachelorette an excuse to finally show off some real personality. Emily "I just want to go back to Bermuda with a baby carriage" Maynard, you're growing on me.
"BERMUDA, BAHAMA, COME ON PRETTY MAMA"
After three weeks in good 'ol Charlotte, the gents and lady are off for some jet-setting. First stop? Bermuda. Emily loves Bermuda because it's full of pink houses and turquoise water. She can also see herself returning with her future "Bachelorette"-found husband and future children in a baby carriage. (Luckily she didn't say this to the 25-year-old dudes who are courting her.)
While Em talks babies and strolls with Ricki on the beach, the men are busy being manly and driving their high-powered scooters up to the hotel/resort. Travis does a little dance, and mushroom farmer Alejandro (who?) says that he really needs to "step out of the shadows this week." (Truth.) When the first date card arrives, Alejandro is disappointed because Doug the Dad gets the one-on-one.
CONFESSIONS OF THE UNFLAWED
Before Doug leaves for his date, the guys sit around in a semi-circle, all wearing v-neck, solid color t-shirts, giving Dad and his nerves a hard time. Doug starts to get really pissed, but Em shows up just in the nick of time and whisks him away for a day of shopping for fudge and perfume -- because, as Em reminds us, "This is what married couples do." Doug talks about his son and the charity he started because he wants his kid to believe that "one person can change the world." Awwww. They also write Doug's son a letter together, because obviously what every 12-year-old kid wants is a postcard from his dad and his potential new TV mommy...
At dinner Em is getting a little suspicious of Doug's apparent "perfection" and wants him to open up about his flaws. The best Doug can come up with are not washing his ex-girlfriend's car enough and being too good of a dad. Em says her flaws include not working out and wearing her pajamas outside of her house. (Ok guys ... we clearly need to work on the definition of a flaw.) Finally Emily gives up, accepts that Doug is the best person in the world and gives him the rose. Doug responds with what sounds like the worst play on Julia Roberts' "Notting Hill" speech ever: "I'm just Doug, with the rose." He also ignores Em's expectant "kiss me" face because he's a gentleman, and his grandpa taught him never to kiss a lady until she asked. "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss," he says. (Apparently his grandpa also taught him to speak about himself in the third person. Emma is not a fan of this.)
(Photo Credit: ABC)
A BOOZE CRUISE DOES NOT A SAILOR MAKE
Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon get selected for the group date, leaving Nate, Alejandro, John "Wolf" and Michael (aka all the dudes we never hear from) at the house. The date involves sailing, so unsurprisingly Kalon of the 1 percent is psyched because he'll be in "his element." The boys are split into two teams for a race. The winning team gets to continue the date while the losing team heads back to the resort. Emily is wary of her suitors' boating skills (or possible lack thereof), because as she so perfectly puts it, a booze cruise "does not a sailor make."
The race isn't all that exciting, but the producers trick you into thinking it is with quick dramatic shots of Jef attempting to sail and epic "Pirates of the Caribbean"-type music playing in the background. Emily admits that she "hate[s] watching guys compete," which is confusing as she stars in a television show premised on guys competing for her. Ultimately the yellow team (Arie, Jef, Ryan and Kalon) wins, and red team (Sean, Charlie, Chris and Travis) does what Sean calls "the worst walk of shame": they get in a van and go back to their fancy hotel while Charlie cries.
Em and the yellow team celebrate with champagne, and Ryan toasts Emily, their "beautiful, possible, trophy wife," setting off everyone's WTF meters. Lucky for us, this is just one of many indescribably awful Ryan comments of the night. Arie steals Em away to make out for awhile, and then Jef -- dressed like a hipper version of Mark Zuckerberg -- steals Em away to tell her he like likes her. The windy beach does great things to his bouffant, but at the end of the night, one-F Jef doesn't seal things with a kiss. Em came on this show expecting some quality makeout sessions, and all she's gotten for her troubles are a bunch of guys who refuse to oblige -- no wonder she's so into Arie!
Now Ryan gets one-on-one time, and we get a chance to really see just how big his ego (and delusions) are. Ryan rags on Em for kissing Arie last week in front of the other guys because as the Bachelorette she has a "responsibility" to set a good example ... Uhhh.... Emily expresses her (legit) frustrations to the camera: "There's such a double standard. If this were 'The Bachelor,' no one would even bat an eye." You go, Girl!
A sampling of other choice Ryan quotes:
• "I have a lot of depth."
• "I'm not here to impress you, but I'm here to make an impression on you."
• "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman."
• "I like your butt when it's been in the gym."
At the end of the date, Jef gets the rose, Ryan keeps patting himself on the back, and the group of five watch fireworks.
THE BERMUDA LOVE TRIANGLE
This episode included the most awkward date set-up known to the 'Bachelor' franchise: the dreaded two-on-one date. Nate, who wears pink shirts and is the most forgettable man in "Bachelorette" history, and John "Wolf" face off for Em's affections. After jumping off a cliff and having a severely uncomfortable dinner in a cave -- in which no one eats and Nate pronounces quinoa "qui-NO-ah" multiple times, Em decides to kick Nate to the curb. We'll miss you Nate ... oh wait -- no we won't, we hardly knew you were there in the first place.
ARE KNEE SOCKS PROPER COCKTAIL ATTIRE?
At the cocktail party, Ryan continues his quest to be the worst, and it's storming outside ... which is supposed to heighten the drama or something. The bright spot of the evening is definitely the attire -- Emily wears an insane one-shouldered white pantsuit with about five chunky necklaces, and Jef wears shorts with bright blue knee socks. Also, Kalon's glasses make a comeback.
Doug and Chris get in a fight about age and maturity, and both come off looking like whiny babies. Meanwhile, Ryan continues to make an a** of himself on national television:
• To Emily: "Just because you're the center of attention, doesn't mean you're worthy."
• "I'm romantic and athletic and charming."
• "If I was the Bachelor, I'd be ready to open my heart up."
• "I feel like I'm called to something bigger ... Isn't it great when you can use a position like this?"
(Note to Ryan: No one in this world ever wants to see you as "The Bachelor." The best you'll ever get is a spread in "Life&Style" magazine.)
CHRIS HARRISON COUNTS TO SEVEN
Before the rose ceremony, Em sits down and chats with Chris Harrison. She admits to being "giddy as a school girl" about Arie and tells Chris that she isn't fooled by Ryan and thinks he's "manipulative."
Em has seven roses to give out. Doug, Jef and John "Wolf" already have roses.
SAFE: Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro
ELIMINATED: Charlie, Michael
NEXT WEEK ON "THE BACHELORETTE"...
Off to London! Sean yells "London"! Jef wears a hipster riding jacket! Ryan does Shakespeare! Doug is stressed! Kalon says "Oh my god"! Someone referred to Ricki as "baggage"! Em wants to "rip someone's limbs off"!
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