After Indecision 2012 last week, Emily is back to sending dudes to the slaughter sans roses. This time, in Prague! (Cue sweeping camera shots of Prague and Em declaring that the city is "so romantic!")
The remaining suitors pow-wow with Chris Harrison in Prague's Old Town Square -- which is somehow completely empty -- where we learn that there will be three one-on-one dates and a group date this week. These will determine who gets to take Em home to meet their families. (Sh*t just got real.) Chris tells the men to "Go find your hotel!" and they march off, matching zip-ups and all. Arie gets the first one-on-one date, and while he's primping, Chris looks at the camera with his angry/jealous face.
'Czech-ing' Out The City
Em and Arie walk around the city saying things like: "Look!" "Cool!" "Wow!" "English?" It doesn't really matter though, because all anyone is looking at are Em's super sparkly short shorts. After a little making out -- "I like to kiss Arie," states Em -- they go over to some statue where they rub a dog that represents loyalty. This is very loaded because Emily knows a secret about Arie that he hasn't told her ...
Chris Harrison Gives A 'Shocking Twist' Public Service Announcement
Chris informs the audience that "as you may have read" (or seen in every promo over the last two weeks), Arie used to date a "Bachelorette" producer, Cassie Lambert -- about a decade ago. Then they show us a taped segment (essentially the "Bachelorette" equivalent of a Christmas Special) where Cassie interviews Em about her feelings on camera. Turns out Em is mostly angry that she didn't know about their history earlier on -- and that Arie wasn't the one to tell her. "It's not, like, a production thing. It's a real-life thing," says Em wisely. (Because in case you've forgotten, "The Bachelorette" is the most real journey to true love ever!)
Then we flash back to the one-on-one where Emily baits Arie into digging himself into a giant hole of apparent "deception" by asking him lots of questions about honesty. He admits to having a tattoo of a more recent ex's name on his body, but never mentions Cassie (most likely because they dated 10 years ago). After a commercial break, the PSA continues: "Welcome back to 'The Bachelorette,' I'm Chris Harrison." (Seriously this is the most on-camera action he's gotten in weeks. Must be thrilling.) Chris tells us that Cassie, Arie and Emily had a very "real" and "honest" conversation ... off-camera. And now everything is hunky-dory! Hooray REAL love!
Arie and a happily sparkled-up Em are on a boat. Arie starts talking about how "It's getting serious, ya know?" Em does know, because she's really serious about making out with Arie. After some discussion of Em meeting his parental units, Arie confessions that he loves Emily. Congrats, race car driver, on being the first one to say it. But since "Bachelor(ette)" stars aren't allowed to say it back until they pick one suitor, Em responds with: "That makes me really really happy."
(Photo Credit: ABC)
All Wolf Needs Is Love
John "Wolf" gets the second one-on-one date after he states that he's "going home if [he] doesn't get a one-on-one." Unfortunately for John, he'll probably get sent home regardless. (Meanwhile, Chris is getting increasingly whiny and angry.) John and Em's first stop is to the Lennon Wall, which Emily says exists because "music was censored here." (Worst description of historical context ever?) The pair paints a big "Bachelorette" boat on the wall and then try to put a lock on a fence to represent "eternal love." The lock won't close at first, which for those of us familiar with the hit-you-over-the-head symbolism of the show, means that this relationship is not long for this world.
For dinner they head to a dungeon, continuing the odd trend of Em exclusively having uncomfortable evening dates in enclosed spaces. (Remember the fortress and the cave?) Then John talks about how his ex cheated on him in an attempt to be "open" and "vulnerable." He also repeats the words "vulnerable" and "open" about 20 times and feels really great about himself. "I'm not a starter, I'm a closer," he says. Oy.
Blondes Have More Fun
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives with Sean, Chris and Doug's (yup, Doug is still there) names on it. Chris gets even more angry and whiny, while Sean decides to go all "Rocky" on Prague and wander the streets yelling "Emily!" "Emily!" and creating the illusion that no people exist in Prague at night. Eventually he finds her, because it's a miracle of love, and not because he had the help of two camera crews. Em is pleasantly surprised but worries Sean will get in trouble. "No one will know," he says ... on national television. Then they make out up against a wall.
It's In His Kiss -- Or Lack Thereof
The next morning Sean, Chris and Doug head out with Em to a 13th century castle. Sean feels awesome about his late-night "secret" tryst, Chris is still pissed off about not getting a one-on-one with Em, and Doug is talking about his son. Doug and Emily have some alone time to chat, but Doug crosses his arms and sits at least a foot away from her. He thereby proves himself unable to show any affection and all but ensures his exit from the show. (I mean, everyone else has made out with her against a wall. You didn't have a chance, Doug.) While Em is in the middle of her generous "It's not you, it's me" speech, Doug decides to go in for the kiss ... and it's the #1 most awkward moment of the season. (I really really hope that Doug's 11-year-old son and his friends do not watch "The Bachelorette.") Once Doug the Dad realizes he's been rejected, he's quite gracious, telling Em to "have a good one" while he goes to cry in the limo.
And Then There Were Two...
Back at what is now a weird threesome, everyone feels uncomfortable. Sean rallies and uses his one-on-one time with Emily to make out and talk about how much his family will love her, while Chris gets all bitter and whines yes again about how disappointed he was not to get a one-on-one date. Shockingly, Emily gives Sean the rose. She also mutters "so awkward" under her breath. Agreed.
Big Kids Make The Best Dads
Jef has the last one-one-one date, and boy, is that plaid-shirted, bouffant-ed up, 27-year-old excited about it. (Even I have to admit that One-F Jef and his skinny jeans are pretty adorable.) He and Em saunter into a random shop where they proceed to buy weird marionette puppets. Jef wins extra points by running back "on the sly" and purchasing a pint-size one for Ricki (who we're going to assume is still back in Charlotte this week). Em thinks that Jef would make a great dad because "he's just a big kid himself." Right ... that ... makes ... sense ... ?
Then they head over to a beautiful, beautiful library and reenact their entire relationship with puppets (because obviously they weren't going to read). "I am 1 million percent in love with you," puppet Jef tells puppet Emily. Then their puppets make out, and they make out, too. It's unclear how many times they had to film that sequence to make it work. Afterward Jef says that his parents are "committed to some stuff" in South Carolina (aka a Mormon Mission), so they'll be noticeably absent next week if Em visits his hometown. "My family is really private," he says, which naturally is why he decided to go on a reality TV show that involves his childhood home. Also, one time he dumped a girl because his parents didn't like her -- but NO PRESSURE, EM.
Then they lie on the floor and have some deep conversations about family and children, and how Jef will totally be the "fun dad." Unfortunately the camera angles make it so the audience can see straight up both of their noses, which is quite distracting. Then Jef leans over and says quietly into Em's ear: "I wanna date you so hard and then marry the [bleep] out of you." +1 for Jef, but does he get all his best lines from Someecards?
Another One Bites The Dust
At the cocktail party, Emily, who has donned mermaid-wear, has a chat with Chris Harrison and decides that she wants to skip right to the rose ceremony. Chris (not Harrison) realizes he's been a whiny, angry baby all week and starts to panic. John "Wolf" is overly confident, which is never a good sign on reality TV.
SAFE: Sean (already has a rose), Arie, Jef. Before Emily can say the final name, Chris breaks down and asks to speak with her. "It's crazy. Chris just interrupted a rose ceremony," says Arie. "Bachelorette" blasphemy! Chris tells Em he's falling in love with her and apologizes for being terrible. In the end, he gets the rose.
ELIMINATED: A very shocked John "Wolf" keeps it classy and leaves for the airport in a strange vintage car.
Next Week: Time To Meet The Parents
Race car! Em makes Chris feel "crazy good"! Em and Jef make out! Everything is hazy! Em tears up! Em stares at the dudes' photos like she's at their funeral! Em cries a lot!
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