Welcome to "The Bachelorette": Soulja Boy edition, in which men we hope will never rap or dance again perform an offense to hip hop. But before we can get to the ruin of an art form, Chris Harrison has to explain some "Bachelorette"-dating basics to Desiree's 19 remaining suitors. They all nod and pretend they've never seen the show in their lives, and then Brooks becomes the first dude to get a one-on-one date. Also, Des STILL feels like a princess in a fairy tale (duh).
Wearing A Wedding Dress On Your First Date Is Totally Normal
Des pulls up to the house in her Bentley and is SO excited to see all of her potential future temporary fiancees in slightly too-tight v-neck tees and khakis, which she refers to as "normal clothes." As Des and Brooks drive off into the California sunshine, the other dudes are definitely jealous of him. This date is meant to give Brooks a taste of Desiree's life, so their first stop is at a bridal shop, which is not weird at all on a first date! (In case you've forgotten because Des' career is never mentioned, she's an aspiring wedding dress designer and was working at a boutique before Sean's season.) To make things extra not-at-all-uncomfortable, the couple dresses up in wedding gear and takes selfies. "This could be really awkward," says Des, a.k.a. Captain Obvious. But Brooks just feels like he's really getting to know who Des is ... by trying on clothing with her.
After making a pit stop at the cupcake truck and getting mobbed by women with iPhones, Des and Brooks head up to the Hollywood sign and talk about how L.A. is the best. (Sounds like the city gave the show an extra lovely tax break.) Brooks gives Des his jacket, and this confirms that she's still in a fairy tale. "[The Hollywood sign] represents everyone wanting to come here," says Des, being deep. Then we're treated to our first "opening up" sesh of the episode, in which Brooks talks about his past relationship and how he's ready to find love and/or heartbreak again. Then they make out still dressed in wedding clothes.
Luckily they change their outfits for the end of the date, and Des drives them into a "shady" area with a closed road. Crazy enough, this is planned, because they're having a private dinner on a bridge! They sip champagne, discuss their difficult childhoods (Brooks' parents are divorced, a rarity among "Bachelorette" contestants), and after Brooks gets a rose for being so "open" and "vulnerable," they make out and watch a surprise private concert from the Andy Grammer band.
"Right Reasons": The Rap Song That Should Never Have Existed
Back at the mansion, the dudes are going stir-crazy until the second date card arrives. It reads, "Who's here for the right reasons?" Dave, Juan Pablo, Zack K., Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W, Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben and Kasey are selected to go on the group date. Des worries about juggling 14 men, so naturally the producers had to bring in Soulja Boy for backup. Des likes to be "goofy," so she's going to make 14 rhythm-challenged men star in a rap video called "Right Reasons." They dress up, and the men (95 percent of whom are the whitest white boys in existence) attempt to rap their lines and dance, while Des grooves in a bikini. After this date, "The Bachelorette" franchise owes the hip hop community an apology.
(Warning: Watch this video at your own peril -- I'm permanently scarred by it.)
As everyone watching tries to stop hearing "right reasons! right reasons!" on a loop in their heads, Desiree's suitors gear up for the nighttime/conversations portion of the date. Here are some highlights:
--Zak W. (a.k.a. half-naked man from last week) shows his deeper side and gives Des an antique journal. It's actually really sweet and definitely the best gift anyone has given since I've been watching "The Bachelor"/"The Bachelorette."
--Ben steals Des away and chats with her about his adorable child, and Des says becoming his kid's second Mommy doesn't scare her. Naturally, they make out.
--Michael G. is totally here for the "right reasons." He tells Des he'll always have her back.
--Ben apparently has already been cast as the villain by the other dudes. He doesn't seem to do anything all that bad, but Mikey pulls him aside for a man-to-man talk.
--Brandon decides he needs to be more aggressive, so he grabs Des for a chat about his sad, sad childhood. (Apparently all of Des' men need to have sob stories.) Turns out that his dad left when he was 5, and Brandon basically raised all of his siblings. Now he "can't wait" to have kids of his own... preferably with Des.
--Ben gets the rose, the other dudes are super pissed off. "It definitely hurt," says Mikey.
"Just Kiss Me Already!"
Bryden gets the final one-on-one date of the week and appears psyched, even though he doesn't have much of a personality. Des pulls up in her Bentley, and they're off on a road trip! "She looks amazing, the car looks amazing," comments Bryden. They talk more about how awesome the state of California is, since Bryden's a good ol' boy from Montana and has never been to Cali until now. On their "road trip," they take selfies on a beach, fly a kite, eat tacos, pick oranges and have dinner at a hotel in Ojai.
Unsurprisingly, during dinner Bryden "opens up" about his sob story. Turns out he was in a horrific car accident as a teenager and just happens to have photos of the wrecked car and of himself in the hospital in his pocket. Des pretends that this is sweet instead of incredibly weird, and naturally the visuals earn him a rose. After dinner, they retreat to a private pool, and Bryden blathers on for 10 minutes saying "this is awesome," "it's really awesome," "you're awesome" until Des has finally had enough of his non-substantive talking and yells, "Just kiss me already!" (Dude, you're on "The Bachelorette." Don't you know that sucking face always comes after a champagne meal?) Bryden complies with Des' request, and they make out.
Type 1 Diabetes Always Livens Up A Cocktail Party
Everyone's feeling on edge except for Ben, who couldn't be giddier. Des arrives dressed up in a gown that makes her look like a mermaid who tried too hard. Michael G. really wants a rose, so he decides to snag some time with Des and disclose his tragic case of Type 1 diabetes. Unfortunately, his "feel sorry for me and connected to me" story gets interrupted by Ben, who already has a rose and is doing nothing to better his reputation in the house.
While Ben and Des make out, Michael angrily recounts Ben's interrupting ways to the rest of the guys. This revelation leads them to form a crew and confront Ben yet again. "I'm here for Des," says Ben, but Michael will never forgive him for ruining his poignant Diabetes story. After things settle down, Brian sees his chance for alone time with Desiree and to ensure that he gets it, physically picks her up and carries her outside. We learn that his last relationship ended a few months ago, but emotionally it ended sooner. He only stayed with the girl because it was "comfortable." Des totally can relate.
"Bachelorette" Drama Is Chris Harrison-Approved
Chris Harrison arrives to "break up the party" and start the rose ceremony. He assures everyone that having drama is a REALLY good thing because it means they're taking their journey and true love very seriously. "It's fun looking at you guys," says Des, clearly taking everything very seriously.
SAFE: James, Kasey, Dan, Juan Pablo, Brad (who??), Chris, Brian, Zak W., Drew, Mikey, Zack, Michael G. and Brandon. (Ben, Brooks and Bryden all have roses already. Apparently, Des likes "B" names.)
ELIMINATED: Will (obviously we say goodbye to the token black man during the second episode), Robert (sad to see such a pretty face go so early, but according to Des' Twitter, he used to date one of her friends, so...) and Nick (he's shocked, but viewers are not since we've never seen him).
Make-outs! Horses! Costumes! Fairy tale! Cinderella! Pools! More kisses! Abs! Jealousy! Ben is deceitful! Ben is shady! Men in tank tops! Ambulance! Another woman! Someone's girlfriend arrives! Someone is a cheating pig!
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