Most of us wouldn't be surprised to learn that many women's real sex lives don't match their ideal sex lives. Unfortunate maybe, but not breaking news -- except according to yet another survey discussing the connection between sex and women's health.
The WomenTALK 2011 Survey, commissioned by HealthyWomen, a non-profit that produces women's health-focused publications, asked over 1,000 women living in the U.S. a variety of questions about their sex lives, their sexual satisfaction and their views on sexual health. The press release frames the results as proof that women just don't get how much a healthy sex life will make them healthier overall:
While many women seem to be on the perpetual "quest" for youth and the ultimate anti-aging remedies, it seems the key to staying young may be right inside their bedroom. But according to a new survey, few women recognize the wellness benefits of a healthy sex life.
There's a lot wrong with the way this survey is presented, but one valuable piece of information it offers is that only 42 percent of the women surveyed rated sexual health as "very or extremely important" to their overall health. As HuffPost Women previously reported, many of the physical and mental health benefits of sexual activity and orgasm are very real (i.e. it's a form of physical activity and it relieves stress), and encouraging women to pay attention to their sexual health and general wellness is definitely a good thing.
However, focusing too much on women's simple lack of knowledge about said health benefits -- and downplaying the survey's other findings -- misses the mark somewhat. (Also, given the extensive media coverage of these possible health effects -- "10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex," "17 Health Benefits of Sex," "The Secret Health Benefits of Sex" -- it seems surprising that so many women are ignorant of them.) Women might be better served if researchers explored why we aren't absorbing this information in the first place, how it might be more effectively distributed to us, and what we should being doing with it. It might also be helpful to know if men are more aware of the health benefits of sex than women. If not, why so much emphasis on educating women specifically about those benefits? If so, does knowing the health perks cause men to have more or better sex? If it doesn't, is it all that useful to educate men or women about its salubrious effects?
The survey also brings up some important issues besides women's sexual health knowledge, or lack thereof -- issues that I'd argue can't be fixed by telling women that having sex will help them burn calories or give them younger-looking skin. One of these is the gulf that exists between what women believe is important to having a happy and healthy sex life and how satisfied they actually are in those areas.
For example, 63 percent of women surveyed rated "connecting with my partner" as extremely or very important, while only 42 percent are extremely or very satisfied with the level of connection in their sexual relationships. In the same vein, 59 percent said their "level of enjoyment" during sexual activity is extremely or very important, while only 41 percent are actually very satisfied. We can talk about the health benefits of sex until we're blue in the face, but until we start really addressing the importance of a woman's pleasure and empowering women to engage with their partners (and themselves) to achieve it, little will change. (And let's be honest, if something doesn't feel good, who's going to want to keep doing it long enough to access the health benefits?)
"While pleasure and intimacy with your partner should be the primary drivers to have sex, the health and wellness benefits are a big bonus," Naomi Greenblatt, M.D. told HealthyWomen. Describing health benefits as a bonus, rather than the impetus for sex, is exactly how we should be framing these conversations to begin with.
And to get the bonus, you need to a) find a partner you want to be sexual with, b) understand what gives you pleasure and c) experience that pleasure with your partner. And if you succeed in all of that, your health probably isn't going to be what's on your mind.
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The connection of a male and female relationship is subjective and will not be answered by polls based on popularity of the question or the moment.
I've been married for 37 uninterrupted years to a wonderful woman. She would say that our connection is not in line with what she feels that she is entitled to. I would say if you eliminate the impact of "romantic comedy" and unrealistic love stories and social manipulation on her point of view our connection is a perfect ten!
LAMAR C. CHAPMAN III
Oak Brook, Illinois
Since you and I blog in our own names, we'll you be me friend??? Love, your insight!
LAMAR C. CHAPMAN III
Oak Brook, Illinois
I think I know the answer, partially.
Much depends on developmental attitudes toward sex -- her parents and faith community. If parents and children were interviewed separately on sexual attitudes we would see strong correlations. Faith groups have significant influence on these as well.
My wife and I both grew up in homes where sex was a forbidden topic. Our faith communities talked about sex as dirty and offered no help or knowledge even to married couples. Those trying to learn about sex were a step away from pornography. Talking about sex to someone in the church was impossible. As one deacon at my church said, "After a while it just isn't worth trying anymore."
People raised this way are conditioned to ignore sex. Being raised in a "sex-free" produces powerful inhibitions. Very few avenues short of an illicit affair are available to learn about sex, and such often destroys the marriage.
Good sex is healthy and beneficial, a result of knowledge, experience and willingness to explore, play, and trust. But our society restricts learning and makes teaching well-nigh impossible. So we don't learn. We don't know. We can't.
Some chains are too hard to break. Some inhibitions, if removed, will destroy a marriage.
Religion generally says all these inhibitions, rules, prohibitions and denials are good for us. I am not so sure any more.
"But our society restricts learning and makes teaching well-nigh impossibleÂ. So we don't learn. We don't know. We can't."
I totally disagree with the above. We have the most open and free society in the history of humankind. As individuals, you and I are free to discover anything and everything our hearts desire. You have convinced yourself that you cannot learn and/or teach about sex. However, this is simply a state of mind that can be changed. You become what you think and believe!
This sex thing with women......Well, sometimes I just don't think anything will ever make women happy. I know it isn't the case. Yet, I truly get exasperated because it seems women are never satisfied. Or if they are it is temporary. Like my famous ice cream analogy: whatever their flavor of the moment is.....that's what makes them happy.
But, if the majority of women are not enjoying sex or it does not feel good to them, then what is the problem? What do women want us men to do about it? How are men to know? What if anything can we men do about?
Yes, religion does impact our views on sexuality. But I think its impact is greatly overstated.
Men are just fine with plain old sex. They don't need the added emotional component nearly to the extent that women seem to.
Therefore, when women were asked in this study if sex is important, they allowe4d other issues to come into play when answering the question, thereby skewing the results. When asked, whether sex is important to their health, its likely they immediately claimed "NO its not that important.......I'd rather have the intimacy". In other words, they are bringing in the "other" issue while answering a separate question.
Maybe the question should've been dualfold. 1) is sex important? and 2) is an emotional connection a must in order to enjoy the sex?
Of course, it is double the health benefit if you can have both together!
A man can only give so much just as a woman. So, how much is a man to give to make a woman happy? Everything?
Women MUST begin to focus on their own internal happiness. You have to cease trying to extract happiness from a man. If I know it's a seafood joint, I do go their looking for a blasted steak! So, if you know MOST men are a certain way, largely due to human nature in my opinion, then it IS unrealistic to expect something else.
I approach women like this: I either choose to embrace her or I choose to disengage. No woman on God's earth will ever make me unhappy again. Never again..
But I choose. Because, I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!
I don't think women are being unrealistic at all
Men have lots of problems themselves. Nobody writes much about that. We have a plethora of writing on women's "issues". The problem isn't who is wrong or who is right rather without mutual understanding we risk working at cross purposes.
My experience is some women have a tendency to make martyrs of themselves in their internal narrative. They feel they are being used by so many people in their relationships. Problem is when you are the one giving voluntarily and enabling that feeling you may be more to blame than the people reaping the benefit.
My second ex-wife, for example, was always doing things she thought would make me happy though I did not ask her to do them or expect her to do them. Over time she developed quite a resentment which probably wasn't helped by me telling her to just stop doing the things that were making her so resentful. I didn't need her to do much of anything for me except accept me. That in turn made her feel unimportant to me.
Are you seeing a pattern here? To me it seemed like she was the chief agent of her own unhappiness trying to lay the blame on me though I wasn't willing to play that kind of game with her or anyone for that matter. I like soothing my partner when they are upset, but I am not going to be the psychological nursemaid for another adult.
I speak as one who was sexually abused throughout my childhood and adolescence. And I am not alone.
and definitely influenced EVERY aspect of my life. not just sex.
peace sister.
I said: "Kinda hot day for putting in a fence."
He said: "Happy wife, happy life."
QED.
My wife and I were high school sweet hearts and we have been married for 4 years. So out of the 12 years we have known each other I can count on my hand the number of times the sex and/or love making sucked.
The reason is connection . . . you must must must must must must have a connection. If your entering a relationship based on need, greed or feed then good luck to you and your future years as an indentured servant. But if you genuinely love, care, respect, adore, appreciate and lust for your woman . . . or man then things will work out. Holding back is never an option you must be more than yourself, you must become one with your lover and only then can you enjoy the beauty and enjoyment of making love. Quickies tend to be fun also, which are my personal favorite. :)
ROTFLMAO......"connection"? All that connection is great as long as you get it over with.
I do not doubt their is a connection between you and your wife. That's GREAT!!! There is usually a connection with most couples and spouses. A lot of marriages start out with genuine love.
But, I am telling you it is because you are her "flavor of moment." Stick around and give it more time. Let's see what happens over the long haul.
Best wishes.