Nothing is the same after you have kids, and nothing is the same after your divorce. I don't care what people say -- having sex is not at all like riding a bike. Sure, you thought you knew how to do it once upon a time, but after you've been out of the game with a husband and celibacy for a while, you have a whole lot to learn. After all, your life is different, your body is different, and you are a whole new person.
The good news is this: Post-divorce sex can be the best sex of your life. You're older, wiser and you just don't care what other people think. Plus, you are now kinder with yourself and have the capacity to be gentler with another person. And you're ripe for some fun.
But be prepared. Consider this list of 10 things that only happen to single moms during sex.
Disclaimer: All or some or none of the following may or may not have happened to me or women I know or met or heard of. You know who you are.
1. Late-night phone sex is interrupted by your kid barfing.
2. You discover at an inopportune moment that you have 27 "My Little Pony" stickers attached to your legs.
3. You discover at an inopportune moment that even though you stopped nursing a year ago, you are indeed still lactating.
4. You grab what you think is a pen from your purse to write your number on his hand, only to find yourself gripping a GI Joe.
5. You dig into the nightstand drawer for a condom, only to have to sort through LEGOs and crayons and Barbie accessories to find them wedged in the far back corner.
6. Just as things are getting frisky, you get a text from your ex because your kid is freaking out and misses you and will you please call and calm him down? Like, now?!
7. Somehow a "Wiggles" song makes its way onto your "Smooth Jamz" playlist.
8. You leave the party to fool around in the car, but there are car seats in the backseat. And Cheerios in the other seats. And the car kinda smells like toddler pee. And maybe something rotting under the seat? Man, how long has this banana been under here? Let's just forget it, OK? It was nice to meet you, too.
9. You're with someone new and you have to face the fact that your business is just not what it used to be. Either you have a scar above (or hidden by?) your furry bits, or your junk has been sewn up like a cross-stitch sampler, or things just aren't the same downtown.
10. Despite it all, you can still stand naked in front of a man who will say (and mean it), "You have a beautiful body."