THE BLOG
12/31/2013 09:37 am ET Updated Mar 02, 2014

Advice for Women Dealing With Heartache

My 18-year-old daughter is going through a really rough time these days and my heart is just breaking for her. I do not know how to fix her troubles but I did share with her these traditional ways of dealing with a crisis situation. They have helped me deal with numerous crises in my life and it is my duty as a mother to share them with her.

1. Remove all undergarments and makeup, put hair up in a lopsided ponytail, and put on sweats (preferably one with stains or tears). If you are going to be pathetic you must look the part first.

2. Cry like a banshee. If the neighbors do not think there is a squadron of cats in heat in your house then you are doing it wrong.

3. Eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. I have tried other flavors but they do not have the same soothing effect. Chase with a super-sized bag of potato chips.

4. Shop for something outrageously expensive online. In my past troubled times, I have (almost) purchased a entire set of Louis Vuitton luggage, a Hawaiian vacation, diamonds, and a small island.

5. Watch several hours of reality TV. Nothing will make you say "I'm really OK" quicker than watching self-destructing train wrecks wallow in their misery.

6. Plot your revenge. I'm not going to give any tips here because it may incriminate me.

7. Plan your getaway. Now that you have exacted your revenge, you will need to skip town. Spend several hours investigating housing prices, commute times, and the ability of fugitives to blend in with society.

8. Take several naps. Being a hot mess takes a lot out of you and I find I deal best with annoying situations when I am unconscious.

9. Avoid alcohol. I know this is strange advice coming from the martini queen but, trust me, nothing is worse than being pathetic than being drunk and pathetic. It may also lead to having "make me feel better" sex with an unattractive person which will make you more miserable than ever. Trust me on this one. And "D"...stop calling me.

10. Tell your friends they are, under no circumstances, to tell you anything happy that is happening in their lives. That new baby can be celebrated when you are good and damned ready to be happy about it.

I sincerely hope this is helpful to my little one. I hate to see her suffer. If I could, I would take the pain myself but I know she has to learn to deal with life's ups and downs. While she does, I'll be by her side with tissues, hugs, and a spoon.