Torn Apart By DOMA

Stacy Beardsley and Karla Thomas met three and a half years ago at a friend's birthday party. Two months later, they were dating and now, three and half years after that night, they live together in a house in north Chicago with their two black labs Kobi and Maddi (just nine weeks old).

They are like any other couple.

Stacy, a former public school principal, now works to design academic curricula for schools in the city. Karla is a engineering project manager for an international cosmetics company. At the end of the work day they might meet up with their neighbors to walk the dogs or work on the small yard in front of their home.

Two weeks ago Karla's entire department was eliminated due to cut costs and now, as a Trinidadian citizen on an H1B visa, she will have to leave the country once her employment terminates. She has only a few months to find a job that is willing to take on the burden and currently heavily publicized stigma of sponsoring a foreign worker on an H1B visa or she will be forced to return to Trinidad alone.

Their story was supposed to go much differently.

If Stacy and Karla were in an opposite-sex relationship they would be married and Stacy could sponsor Karla to remain in the country.

Even if Karla couldn't find a job right away, she would be allowed to stay in her own house, with her partner while she searched for new employment. Stacy could take on extra hours and support them both. Karla holds an MBA from Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management, an undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering from the University of Mississippi and ten years of experience, so when the economy stabilized she'd likely find a place to land.

But Illinois doesn't have marriage for same-sex couples. It doesn't even have civil unions. And even if it did, the Defense of Marriage Act bars same-sex couples from acquiring the immigration rights that come with any heterosexual marriage.

"If it were a question of her being away for a year, then we could figure it out. We could make this work. But if it's for more than a year, it becomes difficult... I'm pretty tied to urban education. I am passionate about it. The chance of me being able to do what I do [in Trinidad] are nil." Stacy states in a matter of fact tone.

When Karla leaves the country, she is required, to spend a year out of the United States before applying for a second work visa - a process that can take months and is pretty equivalent to a lottery system given the new limitations on the numbers admitted.

In practical terms, the best she can hope for is two and a half years outside the country before gaining permission to return to Chicago on a permanent basis.

"Pretty much our only hope is the United American Families Act passing." Karla admits.

UAFA was introduced in the House and the Senate in February and is now slowly gathering support.

Stacy and Karla have started a letter writing campaign targeting all of their local representatives. They spoke to the office of brand new Congressman Mike Quigley (D-IL). And State Representative Deb Mell has agreed to sit down with them to discuss options. Karla spoke to an aide at Senator Dick Durbin's (D-IL) office about her situation and they have written letters to Senator Roland Burris (D-IL), but neither Senator has signed on to co-sponsor the legislation.

Even Stacy's sister, across the country in California, has begun a drive to get Congressional and Senate support for UAFA from her own representatives.

Most of this will not help Stacy and Karla.

Karla is applying to every job she can but admits that, as of right now, the Middle East is her best option. The pay is similar to that in the United States and Middle Eastern companies are some of the few actively hiring foreign workers. She already has an interview for a job in Kuwait.

Stacy grimaces when Karla starts to talk about moving so far away.

Sitting with Stacy and Karla, it is abundantly clear that these two women love each other very much.

In a few months, Karla will be forced to leave her partner, Kobi and her new puppy Maddi. Stacy will be left behind, only enjoying visits with Karla when she can travel overseas or Karla can acquire a visitor's visa to return home for a short stay.

Stacy and Karla's story is not unique, which only makes it harder to bear. No couple should be forced by government regulations to choose between their country, career and family and staying in the same place as the person they love.

One can only hope that quick passage of the UAFA will help people like Karla and Stacy have a fair shot at making a loving committed relationship work for the long term.

Comments

[John Strasser]

I recently had a chance to speak with my US Representative and asked her directly about UAFA in the context of the new Obama administration. She told me that Obama is concerned about immigration abuse of UAFA. There is also a reason Dick Durbin is probably not the best Senator to go to on the issue as he is submitting legislation to further limit immigration into the US (see link to story: http://www.itworld.com/government/65546/grassley-durbin-plan-renew-h-1b-fight-senate) I wrote him along with my own Senators and pointed out that this argument assumes that the rest of the world is wanting to work her but no Americans are leaving to work in other countries. My partner and I get to travel a lot and everywhere we go we run into Americans working abroad. If this government starts sending back legal foreign workers to make jobs for Americans then there is no reason to believe that other countries would not do the same which would force US citizens back increasing competition for those jobs.

[bkbzipper]

UAFA would have the same laws and fines as a straight couple would have, which I believe is $250,000. and 5 years in jail and would have to prove a long standing relationship ... I can't see anyone wanting to pretend to be gay to get here. There are those of us that have already waited for YEARS for this legislation to be passed. Good point about backlash against Americans in foreign countries.

[OnBorrowedTime]

"She told me that Obama is concerned about immigration abuse of UAFA. "

(sigh)

This is very discouraging, if that's really the President's feeling on the matter.... If that's the President's concern, can someone please ask him to propose measures that would allay those concerns and still allow equal protection under the law for all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation?

[OnBorrowedTime]

Thank you so much for printing this story. My partner and I are in a similar situation.

I'm a U.S. citizen; he is not; He is here on an L-1 visa but will have to leave the country by the end of this year. We are applying to live in Canada, but it's somewhat of a slim chance, because I don't have family there or a job offer there, and neither my partner nor I fall into the 38 "premium" career categories that would get us a fast track into the country.

We met while I was working abroad and then moved here after he got a job here for a company that sponsored him for a limited visa. I've been as active as I can to advocate for UAFA, even setting up my own UAFA blog to publicize real-life stories of people in our situation (http://UnitingAmericanFamilies.net).

It is disheartening to read comments by people like your first poster, johnbdonovan, who dismiss our problem as "this SSM nonsense."

The only thing that gives me some slight hope is the knowledge that those who hate us for who we are are fighting for their philosophy and their comfort level, but we are fighting for our lives.

[johnbdonovan]

Let's have a resurgence of social commitment to the mother-and-father family before this SSM nonsense does more damage to it. The country already has a social crisis based more than anything else on the absence of fathers, which is 10 times more serious than a generation ago thanks to loose attitudes about the need for both a mother and a father.

[PlaceboStudman]

Why can't we have parallel running agendas? Strengthening the Male/Female 2 parent home AND the Same Sex 2 parent home. There is little argument that 2 parents are better than one. The issue comes down to whether an opposite sex couple is better than a same sex couple, and the answer so far is a resounding no an opposite sex couple is not automatically better than a same sex couple

[johnbdonovan]

Are you blind to the effects of fatherless families on our society? It doesn't matter how many mothers a kid has, if he's lacking a father, he's twice as likely to become a criminal or antisocial in some other way. The difference between men and women isn't limited to anatomy; it pertains to how they raise kids. Their styles are complementary, and you can't just plug in miscellaneous people and have the same impact as one's own father or mother. In the inner city, 90% of the kids without fathers have run-ins with the law versus only 10% of kids with fathers.

[JohnBisceglia]

If you live near D.C., consider the D.C. Gay Tax Day Tea Party on April 15, 2009. Charles Merrill (who has a federal tax case in May 2009) will be there, and he sent me the information below:

D.C. Gay Tax Day Tea Party - The National Stage
We will be beginning at Lafayette Plaza at 11 a.m. with the “Grassroots” stage and 12 p.m. at the U.S. Treasury Department for the National Stage.

Lafayette Plaza- Grassroots Stage - 11 a.m. - 3 p.m.
Speakers, music, open microphone for public to voice their concerns

U.S. Treasury - Tax Day Tea Party National Stage - 12 p.m. - 2 p.m.
National Stage on Fiscal Irresponsibility

Closest Metro Stops:
Federal Triangle (blue and orange lines)
Metro Center (blue, orange, and red lines)
McPherson Square (blue and orange lines)

TO DO List:
Call the President @ 202.456.1414 and remind him of his campaign promise to repeal DOMA.
Call your Congressman @ 202.224.3121 - to repeal DOMA.

THIS reminder of our significant QUEER DOLLARS will help couples like Stacy Beardsley and Karla Thomas, Tim Coco and Junior Oliveria, and many more. Our country has already LOST the time and talents of couples like Thom and Vajdon ("American Refugee" blog).
http://americanrefugee.wordpress.com/2008/11/18/h8ed-into-exile/

[bkbzipper]

Thanks for this story! Please support the passage UAFA now! It's simple civil rights, it should be passed. Equal rules for all!

[JGG1]

My foreign partner and I had to move to the US after I was transferred here with my job. It amazes me that most of our neighbors here in NJ seem to think that because my partner is French that he would automatically be granted leave to remain here in the US. Every time we tell them about the ducking and dodging we have to do to stay on the right side of the laws and regulations, they just look at us and shake their heads.

UAFA is all fine and good, but damn! It's slow! I fail to understand why, when we have a majority in the judiciary committees that this doesn't at least get to a hearing stage. And now, with the prospect of Comprehensive Immigration Reform, *sigh*, it looks like we face another year, or two, of having to figure out how to keep all the plates spinning to stay together.

Barack told us that he was against DOMA - and was for federal rights. Why doesn't someone in Congress wake up and at least repeal DOMA so that a federal recognition of civil unions or marriages could take effect.

It's all too damn depressing.

[wkt20]

See http://www.nationalmarchforequality.com/

We are going to Washington 10/10/2010 to call on this administration and the Congress to enact legislation that will end anti gay public policy laws once and for all. We need to let them know that we demand to be treated fairly. Now.

[OnBorrowedTime]

That's wonderful, really. Sadly, it will be too late for us. Unless UAFA passes this year (or we unexpectedly get accepted into Canada or my partner wins the green card lottery), we will be living thousands of miles away by then, across the Pacific, in a developing country.

Ironically, 10/10 (or "double-ten") is the "independence day" of that country. I doubt we will be able to afford the trip back to America just for the march, but who knows?

[Chris Waddling]

Groups such as Out4Immigration (http://www.out4immigration.org), Marriage Equality USA (http://www.marriageequalityusa.org), Love Exiles (http://www.loveexiles.org), and Immigration Equality (http://www.immigrationequality.org) are all using their available tools to push this issue. There are currently 95 cosponsors of UAFA in the House and 17 in the Senate. We may stall on UAFA b/c Obama has indicated that he's interested in a comprehensive immigration reform bill instead. We still need to lobby our reps HARD to get them to sign onto UAFA, because that is their commitment to make sure that UAFA language remains in CIR and we don't get forgotten when all the back and forth looking for what to cut happens when they're looking for votes to pass CIR. Go to http://www.imeq.us to read more heartbreaking stories like that of Karla and Stacy. Also, look for the April 20th edition of People Magazine for the story of Shirley Tan and Jay Mercado of Pacifica, CA. Mainstream media are listening. We have compelling stories. Get out there and tell them to anyone who'll listen!!

[AndyDortmund]

My husband and I are also among those suffering because our marriage isn't recongized by the USA federal government. I'm from Nashville, and he's from Austria, but we have to live in Germany because neither of our home countries will recognize our marriage.

We need to call these social conservatives what they are - ANTI-family. Why else would they be so intent on keeping me away from mine?

[KevinVT]

I agree: I call them anti-family all the time. Anti-family and anti-marriage (on top of being anti-gay, of course).

[BeltwayInsider]

Fiscal conservatives are pandering to the social conservatives on the marriage issue.

Surely, if they have any sense of the progression of human rights, they realize that same sex marriage will be rule of law in the USA sometime in this century, if not in the next two decades. What do they hope to gain by fighting it? Is this a fiscally responsible fight?

We've got people on both sides of the issue spending lots and lots of money fighting over this, and for what? And when fiscal conservatives try to push civil unions, with rights identical to that of Marriage, as a compromise for Marriage, what are they thinking? Is this fiscally responsible? To have every corporation change all of their forms, computer systems, etc. just to accommodate a "civil union" on their job application form? Isn't "civil union" just another way of saying "second class citizen", and a way of documenting who is a second class citizen, and who isn't?

Fiscal conservatives have nothing to gain and everything to lose by being on the wrong side of this issue.

[JohnBisceglia]

How can government even TRY to penalize gays for tax resistance due to unequal civil rights, when in 20 years government will right this wrong? Another money issue - do fiscal conservatives have ANY IDEA how many gays depend on public assistance due to legal inequities and H8? If CA citizens pooled ALL of that YES and NO on HATE money into California businesses, schools, and the local economy - MY GOD - what a disasterous WASTE of hard-rearned money!


Economic Prudence - ANYONE?!

[MsLiz]

These ladies live in Chicago. Go talk to Oprah. Ellen DeGeneres should interview them. Let women who watch these shows see the faces of actual people and hear their story. Change minds and hearts.

[PlaceboStudman]

President Obama is one more stupid slip of the tongue gaffe from losing ALL support I had for him after seeing his complete lack of desire or motivation to do anything regarding DOMA and DADT. This is at least the second story that has been revealed on HuffPo regarding foreign partners of gay and lesbian American citizens who are being denied the right that every other foreigner has, and it's all based on discrimination. I have honestly just about had enough. Why did more people not see this coming, as I did, when Rick Warren was selected at the inauguration. You really think there ISNT a connection between Rick Warren and this? Look at all the publicity the right wing ChristoRep­ublicangel­icans are receiving and have received in recent weeks. And Michele Bachman is their High Priestess From Hell.

Now, I understand that any move that might have been made to overturn or alter DOMA would come up against serious scrutiny and opposition, but the fact that President Obama does not even seem willing to TRY to stand up for the rights of LGBT community is inexcuseable in my book.

[msully]

HuH? Why would you expect President Obama to do anything about DOMA? He said he believes marriage is between a man and a woman! Sadly, politicians, including Obama, are a morally cowardly lot. They want the courts to make this decision so they don't have to risk being effected at the polls.

[KevinVT]

umm... because he promised he would work to repeal DOMA?

[PlaceboStudman]

It was always my impression (and I am being proven more and more wrong every day) that President Obama would not allow his personal feelings and beliefs interfere with doing what is right for the majority of the country.

But it appears I was wrong with that assessment, and he is just another self preservation politician

[M1]

But, I thought the Mormons said that Civil Unions provide the same rights as Marriage?

I guess they went door to door in California and lied about that right to the faces of every Californian they met. Immoral!

[KoolAidAmerica]

Even marriage would not help in this case since the Democrats passed DOMA.

[KevinVT]

The Democrats did not pass DOMA. Yes, Clinton was President, but it was rammed down our throats by a substantially Republican Congress.

[PhilipB]

I have had enough.

[JohnBisceglia]

Will individuals need to organize online? How can we REVOLT? (yeah, I have my own ideas..)

Our "gay leaders" have been walking a tightrope for 30 years now, seemingly unsure of whether or not Queers HAVE THE JUSTIFICATION to be demanding and angry. It's as if we are not "allowed" to ACT AS IF WE EXPECT to be treated equally. What's UP with that?! Will more refuse to comply with a government that treats our FAMILY and CHILDREN as inferior legally? Stay Tuned.

[PlaceboStudman]

We HAVE gay leaders? If we do, I don't see any. Barney Frank is a joke, no one takes Ellen Degenerous seriously, and I don't know who else we can count on. John Waters maybe? That would be a hoot. Now, I'm sure there are people out there willing to take the torch and be our spokesperson, but wherever they are, they aren't speaking up loud enough to be heard.

The whole thing just makes me sick, and very very angry

[Dominick Brady]

This is horrible.

[JohnBisceglia]

Sadly, this is common, as are many, MANY (many) other horror stories. Thanks to Emma Ruby-Sachs for shining a light on THIS particular injustice, but she, like all of us, know that there are more horror stories than we can possibly stomach.

THE CLOSET will hide from ALL of our view 1,000's and 1,000's of stories for a million different reasons. When enough of us - ahem - AND our allies (hello?) - when enough of us DECIDE that we will ACT EQUAL and refuse to be treated differently, then maybe these obstacles to Federal Equality will fall away:

* SELF-ESTEE­M/Victim/D­ignity/PSY­CHOLOGICAL ISSUES - That's expected; look at the environment you raise us in, America. It's a miricle we haven't killed ourselves OR someone else.
* There is NO SUFFERING EQUALITY - Rich gays can purchase most "suffering protections".
* NO UNITY - We are Too Diverse - As random a sample as possible.
POOR/RICH - MEN/WOMEN - TRANS (LIGHT YEARS behind Gays legally) - RURAL/URBAN - RELIGIOUS/­NON-RELIGI­OUS - OLD/YOUNG - OUT/CLOSET - NORTH/SOUTH - Now add race.

BOOM! Like a dis-UNITY bomb.