Hipster Joins Marines, Wins Purple Heart In Ultimate Act Of Irony

NEW YORK -- In a ceremony at Federal Hall today, U.S. Marine Corp. sergeant and Iraq War veteran Joshua Cohen accepted the Purple Heart in what is being hailed as the ultimate act of hipster irony.

Cohen, a 6'1, 175 lb. Brooklyn-based amateur photographer, says he first got the idea to pursue a career in the armed services after returning to New York from Wesleyan University, where he took a degree in film studies in 2006.

"It was one of my first weeks back, and I was drinking free beer at one the Chelsea Galleries, checking the art out for this article on semiotics I was writing for this underground newspaper," said Cohen, "when suddenly I realized that all of the art was about the war." "

Cohen noted that it was at this point he realized that while he had "really dug" the "protest scene" back "in the beginning" when American military operations in Iraq began in 2003, rallies had since become overcrowded, and opposition to the war had been absorbed into the mainstream. "The war had become totally passé."

Though Cohen had planned to pursue his life-long desire to become an underground journalist / new-folk musician, he suddenly felt compelled to serve his country. "Not only that, but I thought it would be pretty funny -- since I totally hated the Bush Administration -- if I went to Iraq to fight a war I didn't believe in," said Cohen, "Plus, I'm way too intellectual to be a soldier, so it would be super-ironic. That sold me."

When they first heard of his decision, Cohen's friends were horrified. However, since his return, many have reconsidered their views. "He was completely ahead of us in his thinking" said aspiring music journalist and fellow Wesleyan graduate Brian Moses. "I mean, at first I thought he was totally crazy, but now I realize that complaining about the war was so lame...the really hip and funny thing was to go fight it. Like, can you believe that? He joined the Marines. It's crazy. Of course, I totally supported him from the beginning."

Though no amount of exercise or protein was able to add a pound to Cohen's body, he reported finding boot camp surprisingly easy. Sgt. Marvin DeLores, a trainer at the Marine Academy, remembers Cohen as a "great recruit". "He was a natural at following orders," said DeLores, "One of the easiest-conditioned guys I've met in years. Hardly took much work at all to shape him up."

Cohen was deployed to Iraq as part of the "surge" in 2007, and was stationed in Baghdad, where he quickly integrated into his unit.

"At first I thought I was going to hate everybody in my platoon, since they were all going to be Republican squares and ghetto black guys," said Cohen, "but we actually bonded pretty quickly. It turned out the southern guys loved Pabst 's Blue Ribbon as much as I do, and the black guys knew I was legit after I told them about my Wu-Tang Clan CD collection. We all got along really well!"

Despite early success, Cohen says that he began to face grave doubts about his adventure after several months of service. "War is actually pretty tough. I was expecting to just hang out in the green zone, and maybe ironically torture some innocent Iraqis -- I wasn't expecting to get shot at so much. A lot of my buddies died in my arms. I'd read "Catch-22," you know? Rang true."

Cohen then launched into a detailed explanation of the book's genius , and how its "critique of the military-industrial complex" was highly profound.

When asked to comment, Cohen's mother, said that while she had, in fact, purchased Joseph Heller's classic for her son at age thirteen, he had, as far as she knew, left it behind unopened when he departed for Wesleyan years later.

Despite his misgivings, Cohen became a hero during a firefight outside the Green Zone in early 2008. Wandering away from his unit in order to shoot footage for a "groundbreaking piece of video art on the war," Cohen heard gunfire and realized that his unit had been pinned down by snipers.

"My first instinct was to wait until reinforcements came, because honestly, I was shitting my pants. But then I thought about what all the guys at home would think if I turned out to be a war hero. I heard "Fortunate Son" blasting in my head, and ... I don't know ... I just started yelling and shooting. I felt engulfed by patriotism. It was crazy."

In an added irony, Cohen found that his rod-like physique made him a difficult target for enemy gunmen. While darting from man to man, dragging his comrades to safety and holding off enemy fire, Cohen was shot at repeatedly but hit only in the right leg, leading to injuries that have left him with a permanent limp. After his recuperation and release last week on medical leave , Cohen learned that he would receive a Purple Heart.

Now he plans to write a book about his experiences. "It's pretty funny," he reflected, "but I think it could be a great book. Like "Slaughterhouse Five" or something. Maybe be a kind of modern-day Michael Herr meets Jack Kerouac. I don't know. But I'm definitely not re-upping and going back. Since Obama is President now, I'm pretty sure I don't hate the war as much. It wouldn't be as much of a statement to go back."

However, Cohen asked that reports refrain from commenting definitely on his plans for a second tour until he could check his MoveOn.org newsletter, and see how the LOMO photos he took had come out.

At the award ceremony, Marine Lt. General Harry McNell spoke, lauding Cohen as a "great example" to his peers, and expressed a hope that more young people would make an ironic commitment to serve their country.

When asked how he felt about how, in certain quarters, his award is viewed as the highest hipster achievement to date, Cohen seemed confused.
"I don't get that," Cohen said, shaking his head, "I'm not a hipster. I hate those people."

Comments

[AuntiepoppyCock]

Whatever

I'll wait on the dvd version.

[Chitownfool]

How Ironic...isn't that what hipsters are about irony? He dosn't look like a hipster to me he looks like a bad ass

[thebirdstheword]

hipsters are about bohemian consumerism.

[BowlingForRevenge]

I'm pretty much stunned into silence...WOW..........

[MisanthropicContrarian]

This is quite possibly the single unfunniest thing I have read in the past year. Epic Galaxy Fail

[sloreader]

The hipster went to fight for his right to parrrrdaaay

[southwindow]

this really wasn't that funny or well written. Hipsters are an easy target regardless, since no one admits to being one, so this makes this lame attempt even more unimpressive.

[lostpl8]

that is a great story, and maybe a good example of why a draft is needed. Thank you for your ironic service, and you made many great points.

[Rshuavee]

Whoops:
http://statenews.com/index.php/article/2009/06/war_not_right_place_for_irony#comment40288

Maybe make the "comedy" tag a bigger font?

[rjmiller]

Mr. Cohen's letters also show that he was disappointed in part of his military experience because the regulation pants were "not skinny enough." However, he liked the camo pattern because it was "super tacky."

[DeanaDolar]

Maybe Cohen's example will start a Cohen Movement, transforming both the individuals and the political and military institutions they join. Bravo Mr. and Sgt. Cohen, and thanks for the piece Mr. Rensin.