It was my first day at my new job. I was drinking coffee in the break room, when I overheard my new co-worker talking about being a stepparent. “Being a step parent is awesome, because you don’t have to be a real parent.” “Excuse me?” I thought. How could someone be so ignorant? I love being a stepmom! It was that moment when I realized that loving a man who has kids from a previous relationship is not for everyone.
Below is a list of the five most important things that I think any woman should consider before becoming involved with a man with kids, especially when she has no kids of her own.
1. Accept that he had a life before you.
Just like you had a life before him ― it is just different. He has already experienced at least one of life’s greatest milestones with someone else- becoming a parent. You have to accept that before anything else. If you cannot accept that, then you may as well move on because it is not going to change. You will never get to be his first.
2. Learn to like his ex. She is not going anywhere.
She had kids with him. She loves her kids, and she is always going to be a part of their lives. Therefore, she is always going to be a part of your life. Some women don’t realize that they do not all of a sudden get to be ex-free when the youngest turns 18. She will be in your life forever.
As long as you both are involved in those kid’s lives, you are going to have more than their adolescent years to have to put up with one another. You have holidays, graduations, college tuition to pay for, weddings, and then guess what… you most likely will become grandparents. Then you do it all over again with them. Learn to get along. Why create a hostile environment for your kids? Plus, it is less stress on you!
3. Never bad mouth his ex in front of his kids, or make them choose sides.
How would you feel as a child if someone was saying bad things about your mom in front of you? They love their mom, and they love their dad. Never put them in the middle of your disagreements.
4. Realize that his children are going to love you someday.
Not only is he falling in love with you, but his kids are as well. And you are falling for them. They are going to look back on their childhood, and remember the times that you spent with them. You will never take their mother’s place, but when they are with you, you will be a mother-like figure to them. They are going to draw you pictures in kindergarten, and hug you when you walk through the door to pick them up from school.
If you start a relationship with a man with kids, you need to be sure that is what you want before you develop a close relationship with his children. If you break up with him, you’re breaking up with them too.
5. Put them first!
Most importantly, if you fall in love with a man with kids, you have to put them before anything. You ARE a real parent! And you should treat them, and love them as if they are your own. You may not be able to sign their school permission slips, or be their legal guardian, but you get to do so much more. You get to dry their tears when they are sad, cheer them on at a game, help them learn, and watch them grow. Their smile will make you smile.
Sometimes, things are not always easy, but I promise you: The first time you hear them tell you that they love you, you will know that you are doing something right!
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