How bout that milk swag?!
I’m the first/only person in my family to breastfeed… for the second time. Nobody can relate. If I happen to pump when my mother is here, she looks at me in disbelief and makes many a comparison to a dairy cow being hooked up to heavy-duty farm equipment. Breastfeeding is not easy, and it’s certainly not for everyone (which I think is totally okay, by the way, so don’t stress or allow other jerks to mom-shame you if you don’t do it). But… if you have a baby and embark on the breastfeeding/pumping path, there are some things you should know.
1) Rolling over in bed is effing painful.
In the middle of the night, if you casually roll over to your side/stomach, you will be woken up by jarring pain from landing on your engorged milk makers. I don’t want to say it’s as bad as those pregnancy calf cramps (NOTHING is that bad… not even labor)… but it’s up there. And when you wake up like that, it’s practically impossible to fall back asleep, especially with the added bonus of a snoring husband and baby who just started whining for the pacifier. It’s the kind of awake that sends you into a Facebook scrolling frenzy and online shopping spree.
2) The UPS man will see your nipples.
The UPS man, the pizza delivery guy, the landscapers. They will all catch a glimpse of your nipples at some point when you are pumping and can’t get it together to find a cover up in time to grab the door. Just accept it. And if you are a friend of someone pumping, you need to accept it too, because there will be times your friend answers the door with her nipples on display being tugged through those clear pumping funnels. If that kind of stuff weirds you out, then stay away for the next few months. If it doesn’t phase you and you can have a full-on convo about camp registration or the sushi you had last night, then you are best friend material.
3) You’ll gush over your milk haul.
It’s true. When you do that first pump of the morning and see the fruits of your labor, the satisfaction you will get is uneffingreal. It’s the kind of pride that rivals sending your firstborn to college. I have literally taken pictures of practically overflowing bottles and sent them to my friends for validation of this tremendous achievement. And if you produce enough to freeze your supply? Forget it! You will basically be walking with major swagger, like the PDiddy of the Pump, and want to show every visitor your abundance of breast milk in the spare freezer out in the garage (true story). Their “OMGs” make you puff out your chest like a freaking peacock.
4) Speaking of that first morning pump...
Sometimes, after that first let down when the pump really goes to town and empties those giant milkbags attached to your chest… it’s better than an orgasm. I’m not kidding, and I love a good orgasm. But that immediate relief you feel when you are literally at capacity (and beyond) and you hit that morning pump sesh? O to the M to the G. It’s glorious. I have actually made audible sounds causing my husband to look at me sideways. It’s somewhat similar to the sounds one might make stepping into a hot shower without kids prying open the shower curtain asking you to get them milk, followed by being able to actually wash & condition your hair AND shave your legs.
5) From mom to pornstar in 2.5 hours
When you are producing milk, your boobs are basically alive. They can go from a supple C to a porn star DDD in less than two hours. You will look like you stopped for implants on the way home from grocery shopping. Remember those old school Reebok Pump Sneakers? It’s like that, but uncomfortable and can take your outfit from perfect to questionable in a matter of minutes.
This is really just a small sampling of the things you will experience, but sharing is caring, especially amongst mamas.