It can be totally exhausting trying to get your sex life re-started once it has stalled. Working "harder" may in fact make things worse! The reality is that couples often take the wrong path to creating a closer, sexual connection. The attempted solutions become the problem. You may believe that if the solution makes sense to you it should work in your relationship. This assumption is false and often leads to more stuck-ness. Any steps to a better sex life must involve what makes "sense" to your relationship. If the solution only works for one of you, it will failure miserably in your relationship. Of course, before implementing any changes, it's important to rule-out any medical/physical or psychological causes that may contribute to an underactive (or non-existent) sex life. Next, you are ready to implement a strategy to create a better sex life. Here is a simple, three-step formula I use with couples to help them get the ball rolling (so to speak) in a different direction.
STEP 1: Prepare the Soil
The first thing that may enter your mind when you hear "prepare the soil" is it's time to jam some sexy Barry White music or put on your favorite cheetah lingerie (or silk boxers)! Sorry to disappoint you but you are jumping the gun. Slowing it down at the beginning will allow you to truly enjoy the ride once you gain momentum. In other words, if you are having problems in your sex life the worst thing you can do is move too fast. It's a recipe for failure. In fact, a better sex life has very little to do with what happens when the lights go out.
Couples who enjoy an amazing sex life find time to connect when the lights are on. Treating your partner with respect and showing love on a daily basis can make a huge difference. Warm hugs, sweet words, and communicating effectively can be a game changer. If you prepare the soil well, the seeds you plant will grow your sex life in ways you never could have imagined. The key is to stop focusing on the "prize" (sex) and more on what keeps you connected. The simple reality is your closeness will lead to setting the tone for a hot and stimulating experience when the lights go out.
STEP 2: Sow the Seeds
"Sowing the seeds" sounds so sexy, doesn't it? The visualizations are enough to conjure up a wild sexual scene -- a marathon session that ends in both of you passing out. If this is your goal, it's important to begin by laying the foundation for this to happen. Your imagination alone won't do the trick.
A good start is to do something every day to keep the "spark" alive. There is no excuse why you can't find a few minutes in your day to stimulate your relationship. See, once you are feeling connected and closer (see "prepare the soil") you can begin to add in a little sexual "flavor." A little flirtatious smirk, sexy smile, licking of your lips, a little "flash" as you exit the shower, a kiss on the ear or peck on the neck can set the stage for good sexual vibes. The key is to be sexual without being "tacky." Groping or behavior that makes your partner feel like a sexual object and will shoot your love life down the drain. Come from a place of love and warmth -- no matter how badly you want it.
STEP 3: Water The Seeds Until They Sprout & Keep Fertilizing!
Once the juices are flowing and you are feeling closer it's time to get into action. Most couples try to guess what works or does what they think will work the best. Start by having a conversation about what you both need to build the right environment. Discuss what turns you on physically. A little "teasing" can set things in a nice motion. Building the sexual appetite begins with knowing what "turns" both of you on. This is not a solo activity! Don't be shy about what you like and how it makes you feel. What's better than doing something that you know drives your partner crazy. Be open to the possibilities.
If you have been moving through Step 1 and Step 2 (see above) nicely, you should have a strong foundation to make things a little more at ease in the bedroom. The key to keeping the spark alive is to be willing to leave your "comfort zone." Try something new. Maybe you will discover a wild side of you that you never knew existed. The key is to have fun and don't stress the details.
Communicate while you are being intimate. Stay away from guessing. Ask if you don't know. Sometimes a nice little moan may give the right hint. Other times you may have to be more overt. Remember, you are not trying to be a porn star. If your significant other wants you to perform like you one, you may need to have a different conversation before moving forward! Most of all, enjoy it and have fun. Once you know what works well, keep doing it and be mix things up once in a while. Boredom is a recipe for problems. Oh, I almost forgot, don't forget to smile if you're enjoying it. After all, you are creating wonderful memories. Remember, the more you fertilize your relationship the greater the connection you will feel and the faster you will want to drive home after you get off work!