A Tech Leader's Mission to Empower Parents

A Tech Leader's Mission to Empower Parents
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Language is power.

One space where the world is experiencing a seismic power shift is in the family and the gender roles that shape it. But the way we talk about this change out loud lags painfully behind.

Even the world's greatest orator, President Barack Obama has focused on galvanizing a new American narrative around gender and parenthood most recently in a historic "Feminist Manifesto" in Glamour Magazine.

"We need to keep changing the attitude that raises our girls to be demure and our boys to be assertive, that criticizes our daughters for speaking out and our sons for shedding a tear. We need to keep changing the attitude that punishes women for their sexuality and rewards men for theirs.

We need to keep changing the attitude that teaches men to feel threatened by the presence and success of women.

We need to keep changing the attitude that congratulates men for changing a diaper, stigmatizes full-time dads, and penalizes working mothers".

The connotations of "he" stifle the progress needed to advance one of the most important support systems for empowering both genders: paternity leave.

To best empower our daughters, we need to empower their Dads!

Anders Frostenson is a Swedish tech and thought leader committed to marrying passion and pragmatism, language and legislation, when it comes to parental leave and gender parity in the workplace.

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His company Doberman has a company slogan of "We Love Parents", and boasts one of the most inclusive, egalitarian and transparent startup cultures in the industry.

In addition to successfully exporting his business from Sweden to the United States in 2012, he's also committed to exporting Swedish values around gender equality to New York City where he's launched a new, thriving Doberman office.

Sweden is rated as having one of the narrowest gender gaps in the world by the World Economic Forum and is currently being led by the first-ever self-proclaimed "feminist government."

Forty years ago Sweden became the first country in the world to introduce a gender-neutral paid parental-leave allowance. It performs by guaranteeing paid leave of 90% of wages for 180 days per child, and parents can divide these 180 days between each other how they desire. Today virtually 90% of Swedish fathers take paternity leave. Fathers helping out at home has helped women rise at work too, benefiting both genders and their happy kids at home.

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I think we've reached a tipping point in America. If we want to continue being the most innovative, exciting nation in the world- a breeding ground for entrepreneurs and a magnet for creators- we need to give both men and women, kids and families, the support to achieve a sustainable and meaningful state of success.

As an American mother who lived in Sweden with a young child, I cannot underscore how much the inclusive family culture positively affected my husband and myself. We often say how proud and thankful we are to have been able to "raise our daughter Swedish", and to have become "Swedish" ourselves in the way we divide our roles at home.

I have Sweden, coupled with my husband's generous heart, to thank for the partner I have today: one that's incredibly hands-on at home with our daughter and tirelessly supportive of my work, travel and professional evolution.

Anders' resilient voice amplified in this interview is an inspiration for us all on how to prototype our lives for work-life harmony from words to deeds.

Natalia Brzezinski: How have you been able to manage the work-life puzzle? Did you take leave off with your children?

Anders Frostenson: When our first daughter was born 15 years ago, we were young and fresh parents and sort of just winged it. We puzzled the pieces as they came along. When our son was born, 11 years ago, we could see the patterns and work together to change routines and roles to be more fair. It didn't get easier to make all ends meet, but definitely more clear. When our youngest was born, 8 years ago, we had learned to both embrace the chaos that comes with a large family and to choose what really matters to us and focus on that. When the kids were smaller, I used to get up at 7am every Sunday morning to go for a 3-hour run. You can't sleep in and take the long work out.

You choose. My wife has a motto that I have learned to appreciate as a key perspective on happiness: Always consider the yes. Always start discussing with the honest intent to solve each other's needs and to make it happen. It usually works with some flexibility and an open mind.

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My wife's father fell ill at the end of last year. The doctors estimated that he had 3-6 months left to live. Me moving to Sweden at the time was not an option. And for her not to be with him during that process was not an option either. So we just had to solve it. We decided that she should move to Sweden for 6 months and take our youngest daughter with her. And I stayed in New York with the two other kids. It was extremely challenging for all of us. I had to juggle running a design company and take care of two kids alone. We had to break up the family for 6 months. But between my wife, myself and my job we had a completely open dialogue and the three parties were committed to make the sacrifices to make it happen.

The team around me leaned in and could take over some of my responsibilities, and I got some extra support with logistically running the household. My father in law eventually passed away, surrounded by his family. Both my wife and I almost burned out during those 6 months. But now that we are reunited it seems impossible to imagine that we could have done it any other way. This difficult time has made me extremely respectful for all single parents out there. It has also made me convinced that there has to be a framework for companies to deal with situations when the work - life puzzle becomes that complex.

There is always a way, but for only the employee to have the responsibility to solve it, it just doesn't make sense. Maybe it's not a political issue yet, but more a cultural one. What kind of company do you want to be, when times get tough?

Why is parental leave so important?

From a health perspective it's the most important phase in the lives of both parents and kids. Not being able to be with your child because of work is destructive for both.

From a business perspective, it's crucial to invest in the company key asset-- the
people. It will build the culture, which ultimately helps you keep talent and grow the organization in a sustainable manner.

From a political perspective, it's really the key driver towards overall gender equality, not the result of it.

You've turned your passion into action by launching the Parental Leave Pledge in New York City, tell us about this?

It is a movement initiated by Ustwo, a fellow design firm here in New York (headquartered in the United Kingdom). All the members promise to provide a minimum of 3 months paid leave, 3 months medical coverage, 6 months job security and a commitment to make available and communicate the policy openly online.

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What are the short and long-term goals of PPL?

We start out within the US creative Industry and hope to draw a dividing line for companies to cross with us. Either you're one of those companies that value this policy or you´re simply not. And soon, it will be an important differentiator for your company's success.

The long-term goal is to expand and influence the political evolution of this issue to help more people to live healthy lives with their kids.

Do you ever feel a stigma in America against fathers that take time off with their children to the point where some people even ridicule it or question the masculinity of fathers who take paternity leave?

Sometimes. But I disregard it as a remnant of a business world that is fading away. I voice that opinion and it always leads to a healthy discussion. I'm a walking provocation for some people and I can use that stir things up.

The stigma exists in countries like Sweden as well. But as soon as you scratch the surface of it, you notice that people really don't believe it. It's more old jargon. It will change.

When Trump said that "real men don't do diapers" I just laughed.

I read it and began to scroll through reactions on Twitter and saw someone respond to him saying 'Really Trump? But you spray tan your whole face orange everyday?' It's just so ridiculous.

The U.S. is the only advanced economy that doesn't mandate paid sick or family leave in the world, You've successful launched your company in New York, why do you think America is behind?

Bertolt Brecht said "Grub first, then ethics". The last 100 years in America has seen some of the most progressive and forward thinking in the history of the world. But the some of the social aspects has lagged behind. So in a way, America is like looking 50 years into the future and 50 years into the past at the same time.

My personal experience of moving here to start a business and raise a family at the same time mirrors that Brecht quote well. It was easier to start a company from the ground up and make it successful then navigating the public school system. I got a lot of support and hurrah's as a founder, and at the same time my wife felt isolated and expected to take the care of the family so I could work. That is how the system is designed.


How has the debate around parental leave different in the United States versus Europe?

The debate in countries like Sweden is around focused issues like how to get a 50/50 gender equality distribution of parental leave. In the US the debate is around if and how to get started.

So the debates are on two very different maturity timelines. I'm sure that the US debate will evolve quickly as more people demand it as a basic right at work.

Many business leaders say that parental leave is a "good idea in spirit" but how do you make it work functionally in especially small startups that can't lose employees for such long periods of time?


Think about it this way; if your business can't provide a good parental leave policy, then you have to look at your business model. Just as if you can't afford to manufacture your product, you need to redesign so you can.

In the everyday operations, you need very proactive planning. The difficult situations that occur are often reactive. Like "Crap, we need to replace him or her next month!"

But if you can nurture a trust-based culture that allows employees to be open with parenthood early on, then you will at least have time to plan. There has to be a dialogue, especially in a startup where everyone is in it together.

And the financial math is actually not very hard. It costs more to search, hire and onboard new people then it does to help your existing coworkers take their leave and come back to work.

Do you think parental leave really leads to better productivity in companies?

Yes absolutely. Parents come back to work with a life experience that fuels creativity and productivity. With my first kid, I went in as a boy and came back a man.

Also, having the security of parental leave will enable more trustful relationships between employees and leadership. This leads to a more courageous staff.

What has been your greatest challenge as a working father?

My greatest challenge has always been honesty to myself.

When the pressure is on from work it's hard to be honest and not make the immediate situation your priority every time. Your kids and your family are the long-term plan.

As a working parent, you need to constantly level both short term and long term.

If I prioritize a meeting and miss my daughter's graduation, what is the short- versus the long-term price.

As a founder coming to New York with a very strong company culture from our headquarters, we had the opportunity to establish work-life balance as a cornerstone from the start. So there has never been an issue at the office.

Nevertheless, it has been hard at times. We are a family of five and everyone has their respective wishes and needs that can perhaps not always be fulfilled, but can always be respected. So it's a constant discussion and negotiation.

Sometimes I'm so exhausted that my empathy suffers and I make bad calls. And that's ok, it can't be honky dory every day, as long as you can say "I'm sorry, I screwed up".

The problem is when it's not seen as a screw-up and becomes the norm.

What can Americans learn from Sweden? And what can Sweden learn from America?

When we came to New York, our kids were uncomfortable standing up for themselves and their opinions. Today my daughter compliments a complete stranger on the subway: "Hey, love your shoes!"

As Swedes, we can learn a lot from the dynamics of how people express and connect with each other here on a street level. There is an encouragement from early on that your voice matters so you better learn how to use it.

Also, I see so many great examples in America of how diversity and multiculturalism really drive innovation. In a way, urban America is like Venice or Florence during the peak of the renaissance. It has that magnetism. People come from all corners of the world to get things done and innovate. And when they meet magic happens.

If Leonardo Da Vinci were alive today, he would move to New York.

Sweden is a small and homogenous country with a long tradition of collaboration. It's the perfect sandbox. You can be more socially experimental and quickly understand if something sticks with the people or not. It's a shorter road from idea to implementation. Americans can look at Sweden as a prototyping blueprint.

How do you raise your children to exhibit equality and openness toward gender roles?

Share the chores that come with family life as evenly as you can in front of the kids. Both parents should cook, do laundry, clean the house, change diapers, read the bedtime stories. We're not perfect but we try.

My wife fixes most of the broken appliances at home. I came home one day and she had fixed the washing machine. When I asked her how, she just said it's all on YouTube.

We also encourage our kids to cross gender roles by playing or expressing interest in experimentation around their identity.

My daughter is a teenager, and I find it so interesting how she and her friends use the word "they" instead of "him" or "her". I learn so much from the new generation who is growing up embracing more fluid gender norms. It's so inspiring as a father to immerse myself in her world, a world that would be traditionally closed to a "male father figure" but which my daughter includes me in to in beautiful ways.

Do you think family leave and work-life balance questions should be addressed by private sector, by government or both?

It's interesting because in the US it seems more focused on private companies taking the lead, while in Europe it has been a public sector focus.

I can appreciate that it spins out of the private sector in America because it becomes more of a business insight and less of a rule that has to be implemented from above. At the same time, the government needs to pick up on the momentum and ultimately lead the bigger change for true gender equality. That worked for us in Sweden, we did not just change.

We needed a little kick in the butt to get started. Most do.

What advice to have for young fathers who "want to have it all"?

There is no time for the kids. You have to make time. Demand it at work, demand it at home. Make it your mission to be living proof that it is possible to have a career and a family. Then you will be part of this change and you'll have something to tell your grandchildren about.

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