When couples announce that they are getting married, besides the normal "congratulations", many receive offers of assistance. This assistance can come in the form of going dress shopping, selecting the best flowers, and in some instances, offering to be a vendor. Just like everyone knows (or knows someone who knows) an attorney, most people know a DJ, a florist, a photographer, you name it. It's when those people get involved that things can get a little dicey.
As an experienced planner, my blood always runs a little cold when I find out that my clients are planning on using a vendor that is either related to them, or is a friend. While it doesn't always go horribly wrong, the planning process does tend to get more challenging than it needs to be, and it's never fun to have to disagree with a vendor that is related to the bride or groom, or happens to be a good friend.
For instance, while a friend or family member might have your best interest at heart, they might feel that they know best about everything - which is often not the case. One of my jobs as a Planner is to pull together a timeline for the entire wedding day, sun up to way after sundown. This includes details such as when hair and make up will begin, when the limos arrive/leave, when the photographer arrives, where the personal flowers go and when, right through every last detail of the reception including toast timing, dance set timing, cake cutting, and more. Yes, it's that detailed.
With a timeline being that involved, it's important that I have the cooperation of all of the vendors. Even though some planners will lay down a timeline without consulting the vendors first, that is not common practice and it certainly isn't mine either. I like to put together the day based on what everyone is capable of doing, and that can mean anything from how fast hair and make up can be done, to how long the limo company thinks it will take to get from Point A to Point B.
Frequently, when I'm working on a wedding and a vendor is a friend or family member, I get stonewalled. It doesn't matter if I send the friendliest, could've-been-written-by-Mother Teresa-email, complete with smiley faces. If a vendor doesn't want to work with a planner, they just don't want to work with a planner. And family members and/or friends? They are at the top of the list of people that are "anti-planner". The problem with this becomes how the planner can and cannot handle the situation.
I have gotten comments from stylists that were friends with the bride that they "don't do timelines" and emails from DJs that were related to the groom that they will handle the timeline "directly with the couple". At that point, it's difficult to manage the day without going back to my clients and letting them know that their friend/family isn't playing ball. In fact, the few times I have had no choice but to bring it back to the couple, it has smacked me in my face where the couple told me that I could trust their friend vendor and that everything would work out. Result? Sloppy timeline and a wedding day that crumbles from beginning to end.
One example: I had a DJ turn a timeline upside down (causing the salad to wilt and the main course to go cold) by extending a dance set that wasn't supposed to exist. When we approached him and asked to please stick with the timeline, he went running off to the couple (because they were 'besties') and convinced them to go with what he was doing. Giving it one last attempt, my staff spoke with the couple to try and get things back on track, only to be dismissed because the DJ "knew better". We then had to field complaints about the food not being served fast enough/people being hungry, and dishes being cold. My response: "Well, your 'bestie', the DJ, went rogue...and you let him."
For these reasons, I'm not a huge fan of taking on clients that have their friends and family involved. It's tough enough when you have a peanut gallery in the ears of the bride and/or groom, but it can be an ultimate challenge when that person is a vendor on the wedding day. If a couple hires me to plan their wedding, but they already have a vendor in place that is related to them, I try to make it clear how things can get a little dicey. I also ask them to make sure their friend/family knows that this is strictly business and I will be treating it as such.
Hiring your friends or relatives for your wedding can be a no-win situation. If you are the type of person that will defend your other vendors (planner included) against your friend, then be prepared for an argument that could get personal. The line between friendship/family and business can often get blurred here and generally the couple doesn't want to make waves and ruin their relationship with their friend. Unfortunately, that comes at the expense of the wedding day, and can irritate your other vendors. Make sure there is an understanding on both sides that this is business, not personal. And if your planner says your cousin Bobby isn't being cooperative, do not dismiss them.
This is not to say that hiring your friends and family to "work" your wedding is always a bad idea. I have planned weddings for a handful of friends before and so far, so good. Perhaps it was because they were all full planning, and thus, we hired vendors that I already had a working relationship with. Whatever the case, it can work out. However, it's important that if you do go this route, that you have a heart to heart with this person/people about how this is your wedding day and their business. Of course they care about the day because they are close to you. It's not about that. It's about playing nice in the sandbox.
As long as you can handle treating this person in a business sense, and they can do that as well, everything will go along fine. In an ideal wedding planning world, all of the vendors would get along and pull together the day using teamwork. That doesn't always happen regardless if the vendors are friends/family of the couple or not. As a couple, you need to be aware of this and decide if you're up to the task of confronting your friend/family if they are doing something that isn't Kosher. Think about the idea of hating your flowers/music/photographs that your brother/sister/cousin provided. Will you be able to be honest with them like you would a vendor you never met before? You may find it just easier to say to your family and friends "thanks for the offer, but we really want you to be a guest"... and then hiring people you don't have to see every single holiday.