Married couples may like to think that their relationship is a unique and complex thing. But at the end of the day, it turns out that marriage is a surprisingly universal (and often hilarious) experience.
To prove it, we’ve compiled 30 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets from 2016.
[facebook]
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"
[real life]
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"
*watching husband sleep*
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
— Charles Demers (@charliedemers) January 16, 2016
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) May 18, 2016
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
- Marriage
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
(Wedding)
— Snow (B)ice (@Pro_Jones_) January 10, 2016
Priest: They've written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— beth with the cat (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
— Rob (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"
Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016
Husband: I love you.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) September 12, 2016
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I'm a goddamn miracle.
I bet my husband's favorite thing about me is how I don't order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016
Wife: Where are you
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
M: Wh-
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
— Bipolar Bear (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She's awake now.
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him "A LOT more toilet paper," so yeah, the romance ain't dead people.
— Madame Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) March 8, 2016
Wife: why are you breathing like that?
— Jeff (@usermcuserface) November 29, 2016
Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live.
Me: I'm exhausted.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016
Husband: Didn't you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Me: Wait, so it's cool for you to use my phone charger but I can't touch yours?
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) January 28, 2016
Wife: Correct.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
MARRIED SEXT
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
Hey baby it's Friday night, why don't you get into something more comfortable that you can wear all weekend because we have no laundry left.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) January 30, 2016
I need you to be spontaneous. Be predictable. I need intimacy. Give me my space. Load the dishwasher. Not like that.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) November 3, 2016
-marriage
