wiseGEEK
I recently ended a two-month stint of unemployment which everyone knows should be used as a period of creative exploration and self-reflection. But instead of seeing the positives behind it, I went through my days half-serious about job hunting, spending the other half crying while peeling potatoes, and constantly wondering if my existence would make a difference on the general well-being of the human race. A little bit of wishful thinking. But now that I’m on the other side of it (I think…), I present:
Everything I Did While I Was Unemployed, A Memoir: by Alex Madda
- Changed my sheets every other day, after reading a Buzzfeed article arguing that sleeping in the same sheets for more three days attracted lice (da fuck Buzzfeed?)
- Feverishly searched my head for gray hairs in a desperate attempt to cling to my youth
- Went 20,000 leagues under the sea of my closet, to find those sunglasses that Ashley’s mom gave me after our college graduation to help shield what she called my “sad dog eyes”
- Bought a Groupon for a month unlimited to the Bar Method
- Went to The Bar Method every other day, forever wondering if the pregnant women in the class would always show me up
- Search avidly for the ex-girlfriend of a guy I was dating, who apparently taught there
- Never found the ex-girlfriend-turned-Bar Method teacher
- Stalk the ex-girlfriend on Facebook to find out just who the fuck she was
- Compare the track of her life to mine, opening the black hole that is “Stranger Facebook Stalking/Comparison Making”
- Rewatch the entire Office series, reconfirming my all-too-intrusive facts for an upcoming trivia night
- Hover a little too closely to the preschool playground after school got out at 3PM
- Watch parents pick up their children, wondering if they felt a stronger sense of purpose by continuing to populate their community in an already severely over-populated world
- Felt bad about wanting parents to wish they never had kids
- Tested how many dialects I could master, to assume various personas in pursuit of uncapped free samples at Trader Joe’s in any one given trip (6 appeared to be the max)
- Get mad when I would FaceTime my friends with real jobs and real lives, and they wouldn’t pick up because HOW SELFISH OF THEM
- Play the same 3 songs on guitar over and over because learning new skills and testing your limits is for suckers and everyone loves Wonderwall
- Saw Fences at 2PM on a Tuesday because everyone could use some racially-driven afternoon sadness
- Looked up my old boss on Linkedin, wondering if he could see just how many times I viewed his page
- Called my mom everyday to reaffirm that I was remembering to shower
- Stared out my sunroom window, wondering if 1:30PM is an appropriate time to decide against getting dressed for the day
- Saw how many first-time-free grocery delivery services I could abuse and hide my true identity
- Waited avidly for my roommate to come home like the fucking pet dog I am
- Abused the local coffee shop where I went everyday to do “work”
- Developed friendships with the other unemployed sadsacks at the local coffee shop, where we discussed the “work” we were “pursuing”
- Pretended my ever-shrinking bank account was just God telling me my time was coming soon
- Contemplated dropping it all, buying a used VW, and taking off into the night to find a new life and a new purpose
- Aimlessly submitted op-eds to the New York Times, mostly because Hannah Horvath got published with an article that looked basic as hell
And finally:
- Use no more than ten minutes a day on positively constructive methods towards becoming an employed citizen of society
Two months later, here I am. You just have to go through all those bullshit timewasters first.