And he would've gotten away with it, too, if -- no, no he wouldn't have.
Jonathan Scull, 26, allegedly tried to steal two cans of beer from a liquor store by shoving them in his pants, then told an employee that the cans were his penis, Wicked Local Somerville reported.
The Medford, Mass., man went into Woody's Liquors on the evening of Feb. 26, when the female employee, whose name has not been released, says she saw him drop the cans in his trousers and walk out. She told police she followed him out of the store and asked what the bulge around his ankle was, and he replied, "It's my [genitals]."
According to the paper, "The woman said she pointed out that the bulge around his ankle was clearly not his genitals" and he proceeded to chuck the can at her head and run away.
She called police, who say when they caught up to Scull, he swore and yelled at them, claiming that if they didn't have badges, he would have killed them.
According to Somerville Police Department logs, Scull was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, resisting arrest and shoplifting.
Pants do not seem to be a great hiding spot for stolen goods. In February 2012, a University of Georgia student was allegedly caught shoving an order of hash browns into her pants to avoid paying for them, then placing them back on the counter to try and cover up the dirty crime.
In 2011, police say a New York man was caught on camera stuffing an enormous $84 turkey down his drawers at a grocery store and attempting to flee the store with the bird.