This article is part of a blog-series on The Huffington Post by sex-columnist Vanessa de Largie. Check out Vanessa’s other sex-columns here!
I have a confession to make ― my spreader bar is one of my favorite possessions.
It’s accompanied me through life since 2009. It spreads my legs, my knees and my arms. It assists in my bondage, my openness and my sexual pleasure.
A spreader bar is a piece of bondage equipment. It can be made out of wood or metal and has attachment-points for cuffs.
My spreader bar was purchased by a wolf and given to me as a birthday gift. It lives in my wardrobe with my four German uniforms. You can read about my fetish for German uniforms here.
Over the years, I’ve spring-cleaned my kink-closet. I’ve managed to rid my life of vibrators, chains, paddles and cuffs. I’ve managed to rid my life of any sex-equipment that I associate with past lovers. (I still use these fun toys and accessories ― but I purchase NEW ones).
But I’ve never had the heart or inclination to dispose of my dear friend ― the spreader bar ― my old faithful!
My spreader bar has accompanied me to four houses of residence, seven countries and through an array of sexy situations.
Below I have created a listicle on why this friend ― is here to stay.
VULNERABILITY
In my experience, the best sex occurs when we let go. A spreader bar makes one incredibly vulnerable. One minute you’re sitting on a chair half-naked and the next minute your legs are splayed and your glistening vagina is on display for the world to see. It’s empowering to be that red-raw. Truly, truly empowering in a body-conscious world.
ALLOWING PLEASURE
Do you know what? When I first started masturbating at 17 ― I had to STOP before I orgasmed because the pleasure was too much. I went around frustrated for years ― massaging around the clitoris because I was petrified of massaging on my clitoris and fully letting go. The same would happen when a boy would go down on me. I would push him away when the pleasure got too intense ― never experiencing a full sexual release.
One day, a boyfriend who’d had enough of my antics ― tied my feet apart with rope to the steel corners of his bed. And he licked me until I came. I cried when I finally got my release. I was very emotional ― it was a true gift.
Unable to close my legs or push him away allowed me to cross a limit ― a boundary. That is what spreader bars enable ― they enable us to surrender and allow pleasure.
MORE INTENSE SENSATIONS
My interest in bondage and BDSM has a lot to do with the increased sensations I feel when restrained. I’m not sure if it’s mind over matter but I find the inability to fight, struggle or oppose ― intensifies the pleasure-factor. Obviously, one always has a ‘safe word’. So, in reality you can cease proceedings at any time you wish. But why would I wanna do that? (ha!).
THE SLAVE IS THE MASTER
When I read articles by people who have no idea about the dynamics of BDSM, I punch my fists in the air. Submission is not demeaning within the context of bondage. A submissive is protected by a ‘safe word’ at all times. They are not forced to submit, they submit willingly. The master has to earn their trust and be worthy of their submission. I find submission incredibly empowering. I find domination incredibly empowering also. In both domains I use a spreader bar.
GOOSE FLESH
Nothing gives me goosebumps more than the use of a spreader bar. Sometimes you’ll be left to wait in anticipation. My spine curves, my nipples harden and my labia moistens ― it’s GAME on!
Vanessa de Largie is an actress, author, journalist and sex-columnist based in Australia. Her work appears regularly in Penthouse Magazine, The Huffington Post and The Daily Telegraph. LIKE her Facebook Page.