I sat down with a woman who came in for some individual counseling about her marriage. She told me a story that I have to share because of the depth of the pain and anguish that she has been suffering. She found it hard to keep her composure while speaking, which isn’t unusual, but the freshness of the pain was just so close to the surface.
Joan (not her real name) related to me that she’s been married for over thirty years to her husband Carl. For the past ten years she’s felt like a stranger in her own bed. She feels lonely and isolated and came to me for advice on what to do. She and Carl had been to numerous counselors but she felt like Carl really didn’t feel the necessity of doing the work required to get their relationship on track. Joan wanted me to tell her if it was okay for her to end the marriage or would I advise her to stay. Joan loves her husband but doesn’t feel loved. She feels like a mere annoyance to him and more like a roommate /housemaid that cooks and cleans and nurtures her husband, but doesn’t get anything in return from him. She doesn’t feel like he’s even aware of her at times, and it makes her tremendously sad when he throws her a crumb, like a pat on the hip as he walks past her, or a peck on the cheek when he leaves home. They haven’t shared true intimacy for at least 5 years, haven’t had sex for over a year. She feels at a loss. She’s been suffering from depression and is on medication for that now.
The long term effects of isolating herself have caused Joan to lose sight of her identity, her personhood. It’s been a long road for her to travel alone. Even though Carl never left their home, or their bed, he’s been emotionally absent for a long time. Joan hasn’t felt close to him or like she could reach out to him. He hasn’t been emotionally supportive, physically affectionate or shown her much care or compassion at all. Joan got to the point where she’s given up and figures that life will always be this way, and she’s unable to change it. She’s very resigned and sad about it. It’s certainly not what she envisioned for her and Carl when they got married. Their kids are grown, the youngest is graduating from high school this year, and Joan tells me that she just can’t bear the thought of another year, or even another month of living this way. She wants to make choice, but not sure which choice is best. Should she stay with Carl for more of the same? Should she leave Carl, give up everything they’ve built up together, tear apart the family? What other choice does she have?
It was obvious to me that things can’t remain the way they are. Joan does have to make a choice. Carl has to make a choice. They both have to decide if they want to save their marriage together, or not. Without speaking to Carl, I had no way of knowing how he felt about things, but Joan was very clear that she felt like he had no interest in her as a partner or a wife. She feels invisible and unimportant to him. I advised Joan that they both would have to want to fix it. The more Joan spoke about things, the more she was leaning towards leaving Carl to pursue her own life. She felt like she was already living alone and there was really no difference between the way she was living now, and actually being on her own.
I urged her to bring Carl in for some couples counseling together and we could try to see if the marriage could be saved. Both parties had to be willing to put in the work together to keep the marriage. They both have to realize how important they are to each other and that they were risking the loss of their life together if they didn’t work hard to save it.
No one should have to live for years feeling alone with the person they love. By the same token, one should never give up on their great love if there’s any chance at all that it can be saved. There’s a reason Carl and Joan fell in love and got married all of those years ago. If I could help them to remember those reasons and remember why they fell in love, perhaps they could get themselves back to being in love again. The only marriages that cannot be saved are those where the partners give up on trying.
I wish I could say that the two of them came in together and lived happily ever after, but I can't. The sad part is this does not have to be the end for couples. If only people could just believe in themselves and one another; magic can happen. I can't help those that won't help themselves. My plea is for you to get off the couch. Make a phone call, go online. There are professionals out here to help you. If only you will take the first step...Couples can come back from this kind of disconnection. We know how to help those who want to help themselves. So please reach out! There're plenty of us out here who know how to help couples have a secure stable relationship.
Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters.
His weekend workshop, Two Days: Seven Conversations has become a popular venue for many to set off on their journey of connectedness. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers daily relationship video tips in his newsletter Stuart’s Daily Notes.
Stuart practices in Scottsdale, Arizona, where he lives with his loving wife of many years, and their therapy dog, Ollie.