Marriage is a long, long haul and if you and your partner don’t have a sense of humor ― well, good luck to you.
Below, we’ve gathered 22 relatable tweets about married life that are funny because they’re true.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 14, 2013
Wife: This brownie fell on the floor. Do you want it?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2017
Me: Are you flirting with me?
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
Current count:23
Marriage means sometimes you have to apologize for something you did in another person's dream.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2017
Husband just freed a few pieces of Cool Ranch Dorito from my hair while hugging me and this is how sex starts.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 13, 2017
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535
Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.
— Bazza (@garrettbarry70) February 28, 2016
Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.
Wife. Thanks.
Me. No problem.
*Kicks pony tail under bed.
Can't wait to get home and eat frozen pizza while my wife tells me what I'm doing this weekend.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) May 5, 2017
Protip: If you’re wondering how many times it’s okay to tell your wife “Cash me outside” before she heads outside the answer is two.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 13, 2017
You don't even need an alarm clock when you're married cuz he will loudly clear his throat and wake you at 6am every morning until you die.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 11, 2017
Wife: The guests are arriving, how's dinner coming?
— Sharky (@foodfacenow) May 11, 2017
Me:*frantically tearing open Lunchables* Great, just need to plate the first course
[getting ready to go out]
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 12, 2017
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go
What do I do?? My wife is in the middle of washing the dishes and I have a dirty dish for her. Do I just toss it in and run?!
— It's Alex (@AlexTheAlky) February 2, 2016
At the end of an argument, my wife told me I was right.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2017
I suspect a trap.
If you don’t hear from me again, call the police.
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
90% of marriage is just one person asking the other if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 17, 2017
HUSBAND: What's the emergency? I was in a client meeting.
— Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) May 1, 2017
ME: Did you move my shower crackers?
I like to tell my husband "do whatever you want" then watch him be completely unsure of what that means.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) May 7, 2017
Me: I want a houseplant
— K-2sObi (@ThaJawn) January 12, 2016
Wife: Ok but you have to take care of it
*few weeks later*
Wife: Your houseplant died
Me: What houseplant
WIFE: can u finish the laundry?
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 27, 2017
ME: sure just tell me what clothes can’t go in the dryer
WIFE: read the tags
ME: pic.twitter.com/TF7ZbbyWrZ
No amount of premarital counseling can prepare you for how much of marriage is hearing someone ask you if you've seen their keys.
— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) April 28, 2017
Everytime my wife yells "that's not funny" it just means I will do that thing until we die.
— á—Şr-Phil-Good (@philco816) June 27, 2016
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