A few years ago a dear friend was struggling with love and all the undesirable, unwanted feelings this often-overrated, supposedly-positive emotion brings with it. My heart too was heavy watching her flip-flop between joy and sadness because of the nature of the relationship she was in. Needless to say, it was a complex one. I was too enmeshed in all of this to be objective and my words of advice, although she kept begging for more, were starting to fall on deaf ears. Recognizing that I was of no help anymore, I did what I felt was best; I brought her to someone I respect for his integrity, veracity, rationality and plain old common sense. Of course I explained everything to him in advance and then advised him to “knock some sense into her once and for all." That Friday afternoon the three of us congregated in a dimly-lit room with a comfy couch (which gave it a clinical air) and an unnecessary abundance of cushions, a few of which I clasped tightly like a security blanket waiting for the storm to pass. For the next hour and a half, I watched attentively as this person who I trust and respect immensely, listened to the tribulations of my friend, regaled her with his own experiences, drew parallels from his past and shared his practical insight. I sat there, quite restless, without uttering a peep (which is inordinately difficult for me), alternately listening to him impart practical advice and watching her big, beautiful eyes well up with sadness and the pain of uncertainty. Don’t get me wrong – I was grateful for this intense exchange but what I really wanted was for him to tell her what to do i.e. make up her mind asap. And when all was said and done, and in spite of my stern reminder to “give her an ultimatum to decide by Sunday night”, I was disappointed and frankly, felt a bit betrayed that he did not do any such thing; instead he simply said: “No- you cannot put a time constraint on it. Give it time and it will work itself out.” Much to my chagrin, she took his advice to heart. I was not happy for I was impatient and itching for a resolution right then and there.
It took me a while to understand the depth of his advice. In those three years, I have seen my friend safely arrive at a place of calm after spiraling out of control on a harrowing emotional roller-coaster. The fierce pain that she had felt and the utter helplessness of not knowing what to do, were ultimately replaced by a practical, rational solution. But what truly helped her reach that space were not my impatient, and severe words that I perceived as practical such as “You’ve gotta do it now”/ “Stop this once and for all”/ “You have to immediately”/ “You must”, but the timeless advice that she had received that afternoon. And, it was only with time that my broken friend was able to find her way out of the anguish of heartache and helplessness.
And unfortunately with time, I once again forgot the lesson I had learned until recently when I was admonished for using “emphatic and absolute words much too often”. This got me thinking and as much as I wanted to deny it, I knew in my heart that my friend was right.
Lately, the tables had been turned and the impatient, “once and for all”, “now or never” girl in me was struggling to solve some overwhelmingly complex problems that had hijacked my sanity. I kept reminding myself that I am quite strong, relatively reasonable, reasonably practical, and fairly intelligent, but most importantly, I am a fighter, and therefore, could so do this. With a clear plan, a perfect plot and a structured time-limit imposed on myself, I could solve any problem, even these Tsunami-sized ones that had managed to engulf my life. But what was terribly frustrating was that in spite of this seemingly simple strategy, I was going nowhere like someone rowing a boat tethered to the shore. The faster I tried to row, the more I failed. And then, exhausted from rowing aimlessly, I began to sink. And when I shared my impatience and my plan to strategize and tackle these troubles methodically and meticulously, I received a simple but firm advice: “Give it time, Rumni. And how about this time make a plan of no-plan?” When I argued with him, he went on to say that “sometimes having a no-plan is better than having a false construct” and “why try to make it tidy so soon when things are so messy?”. “Let it be and the plan will come looking for you if it’s worth it”— he concluded, reminiscent of the interaction with another friend nearly three years ago. As much as I wanted things to be okay “right here and right now”, I realized that there was true wisdom in these seemingly empty words, for once again, I was humbly reminded that sometimes we are completely helpless in the face of utter helplessness but more importantly, it is okay for things to be this way. Sometimes all we can do to solve life’s most pressing problems is to wait. Just as love cannot be rushed, so also healing cannot be hurried. And often there is only one way out of the nightmare we are living--- patience. Patience, it turns out, is indeed a virtue. And as much as we want a solution, resolve a problem, heal a hurting heart, mend a broken soul, crave love, desire peace or wish to be whole again, all the while falsely believing that we are in control, we must acknowledge that we do not always have the power to do so and that at times there is but only one solution -- time. And time, although often hard to believe, does heal most things.
So here’s my one piece of advice, borrowed from the ingenious insight of two good men, for those struggling from loss, trauma, heart-ache, uncertainty, helplessness, listlessness or any other overwhelming emotion that has held us captive and robbed our peace--- Wait. Give it time. A “no-plan” is sometimes the best and the only plan. Know that this too shall pass, not now, not never, but in good time.
“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” --- Leo Tolstoy
(P.S. Do I believe that all hurt will heal in due time? To be honest — not always, especially not now when the pain is real, but I also know that hope is the first step toward healing. And really — what is the alternative?)