What to Expect When You’re Expecting Fat, Ginger Tyranny

02/03/2017 01:19 pm ET
Here’s me looking hella cool.

Dear America,

Wow. The last few years have been difficult for anyone who, like me, loves tyranny. Hosni Mubarak was overthrown, Gaddafi was killed, Kim Jong-Il died. For a while the only reliable way to manage my moods was with binge eating. Thank you cheese! And cake! And various mammals!

All seemed lost and then along came you, America. And 2017 is looking bloody marvelous for those of us who list despotism amongst our hobbies. I haven’t known this sort of pure joy since one of my weddings.

On my Twitter account loads of people are drawing connections between Donald Trump and me. He’s fat, I’m fat. He’s loud, I’m loud. He’s ginger, I’m ginger. Let’s see, there is the narcissism and megalomania, the marriages to immigrant ladies, the obsession with legitimacy as rulers, the centering of power within the family, the keenness to overthrow the established order to our personal and professional advantage, and pretending to give a lovely, old crap about peasants. Beyond that I really don’t see the comparison.

The one thing I do see is that as a CEO Trump emerges from a background where tyranny is the norm. A corporation is not a democracy, sweet reader. And no one seems to mind. Yet somehow when it’s a form of government it’s terrible? And people take to the streets? The hypocrisy!

Look, it’s time to stop tyrant-shaming. Have any of you haters stopped to realise that God is the obvious role model here?! What sort of government is there in heaven? Hmmm? Do you suppose when all the holy dead people up there get out of bed in the morning they VOTE on whether they’ll spend the day marching about the sea of glass and shouting hosannas or just lying around their gold mansions in their glittery diamond underpants? Ha. THERE IS NO VOTING IN HEAVEN! God tells them to get up off their shiny arses and start praising him. And they obey.

So, if you are so fortunate America, what could the 21st century USA version of fat ginger tyranny look like? Good question. Glad I asked.

A few things to watch for. First, tyrants love war. It puts us at the center of attention. It gives us the chance to stand on a balcony, the wind in our thinning hair, looking importantly off into the distance whilst men await our command. That’s pretty cool. We get to blow things up. We get to assure our place in history. We get to shout a lot. And it’s important to note that no matter the outcome, tyrants always win their wars. Even if they fail, they win because failure to a tyrant is simply success misspelled.

Second, tyrants use reality as the raw material for creating myth. Think of reality as a big block of granite and the tyrant as the sculptor. Somewhere inside that blob of useless actual facts and data is a big, fat, beautiful alternative fact just waiting to be revealed.

Third and finally, a tyrant’s needs are simple. We ask only to be worshipped. So it’s tremendously hard to avoid the urge to turn your government into a religion. It just is. Everything in a tyrant’s mind points to naming yourself the supreme head of a national church as the right thing to do. So you all might want to start practicing your bowing and prostrating skills.

Most of all America, relax. Take a breath. If it turns out that 16th-Century style tyranny is your future, you’re going to love it. And you have absolutely nothing to worry about so long as you’re not a woman, refugee, journalist, atheist, handicapped person, poor, elderly, Muslim, progressive, teacher, government employee, ill, homosexual, scientist, or child.

It will all go right in the end. And if not, it will look smashing on Netflix 500 years from now.

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