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Eric Broder
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Entries by Eric Broder

Obama's Message for the Children

(2) Comments | Posted September 8, 2009 | 10:48 AM

Kids ... hello. Okay, look. Before I begin, I want you and your parents to know one thing. I'm not here to indoctrinate, intimate, inculcate, or intimidate. I'm here to share a simple message with you.

Learn. Just ... learn.

Learn what it means to be a child. Learn...

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Ideas for a Perfect "Staycation"

(1) Comments | Posted May 25, 2009 | 5:11 PM

Take time to plan ahead. Maybe you already got your family together and brainstormed on what you'd like to do for this year's summer vacation. Everyone chimed in on their ideal destination. Daughter Fritzi clamored for Munich. Son Guido pined for the hills of Sicily. Your dream was to play...

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Your Winter Horoscope

(0) Comments | Posted December 4, 2008 | 8:51 AM

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Finding a mitten in a snow bank strangely leads to your sex-change operation and eventual bankruptcy. Your chili recipe incorporating yak meat is a big hit at a meeting for periodontists. The guy at the reception, who handed you a business card with "Obama Transition...

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The Consumption of Alcohol on St. Patrick's Day: A Drip Goes Dry after Drunken Humiliation in Local Establishment

(0) Comments | Posted March 13, 2008 | 12:54 PM

Here is the story of the St. Patrick's Day that changed my life. It involved the drinking of alcohol and how my surrender to peer pressure and stress nearly destroyed my reputation forever.

The calamity happened a few years ago, while I was working for the Cleveland Free Times, the...

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The Schmuck's Valentine's Day Primer

(0) Comments | Posted February 11, 2008 | 11:35 AM

Say, fellows, it's nearing Valentine's Day time again. You've been pretty lame about dealing with V.D. the past several years, haven't you? Just admit it.

You've given her gifts like a $10 shopping spree at CVS. You've bought her a fill-up at Sunoco, or a big jug of windshield wiper...

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Keeping the Real in the Resolution

(0) Comments | Posted December 26, 2007 | 11:59 AM

Making New Year's resolutions is a complete waste of my precious, rapidly diminishing brainpower. They didn't work for me in the '70s, nor in the '80s, the '90s and so far in the aughts. Resolutions can just get bent (which they will, anyway). So this year I'm making reasolutions. This...

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The Old Rat Bastard's Holiday Greetings

(0) Comments | Posted December 11, 2007 | 12:03 PM

People gripe about winter all the time and I have to stand there and listen to their petty horse--pardon my French--shit. These dodos in their L.L. Bauer down vests and their North Facial jackets packed all to hell with Winsulate or what-have-you don't know how lucky they have it. I'd...

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Law & Order: FAQ

(0) Comments | Posted December 7, 2007 | 12:05 PM

In honor of Law & Order's upcoming season 18 premiere, here are some frequently asked questions regarding the crime and punishment behemoth:

Why can't I stop watching every freaking Law & Order episode that's on 24/7 on network and cable?
Because the formula is so comforting. Couple...

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