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My Speech for Fifth Grade Class President

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My fellow 5th Grade-icans,

I am not running for class president because I have a bigger baseball card collection than the other candidates -- which I do -- but because I am a patriot and I love my class in a totally non-cootie related way. We were once the greatest class in the entire school, and we still are because the principal looks down on us and smiles. He loves our class, I love our class and we are crazy awesome, so keep that in mind while I now explain why we suck so hard.

Okay, so we've all heard the rumor that our class owes the school something like 14 bajillion skittles. Where did this debt come from? Who exactly do we owe it to? When is it due? I have no clue. But let's be honest, neither do you. All we can know for sure is that 14 bajallion sounds real bad, and that this is probably the fault of my opponent, Ollie Gruberson. I don't have proof that he gobbled all those Skittles, but let's not forget that he needs an inhaler when he runs to first base, he has to pump his bike tires like three times a week, and that his name is Ollie Gruberson. (Wait for spontaneous "Ollie sucks" chants to die down. Then start them up again.)

Speaking of "big problems" (wink at Ollie), we also need to address the major cutbacks of our class jobs. Our livelihoods are at stake. Everyday I see hall monitors turning in their badges. A/V nerds returning their keycards. Bullies giving back their A/V nerds. I myself have fallen victim to layoffs, as last week I was released from my duty as line leader.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of coming home to my mom and pretending that I still have my job. My heart breaks as I tell her how I led the crap out of that line. How we went to and fro. How we went left, then right, now left again! How we didn't go backwards, because that would be too confusing for our incompetent line-ender, Ollie Gruberson. How do we fix all this? I don't know. But I do know my multiplication tables, so that will probably come in handy.

Another big issue that I know stuff about is a girl's right to choose. The debate rages on whether a girl should be able to wear jeans if she wants. This is a tricky issue, because what if tight jeans are forced upon a flabby, gross body? Do we hold that against the girl? The point is moot though, because the body knows the difference between legitimate and illegitimate jeans. Biologically, the body simply will not allow itself to fit into tight gross jeans. Just ask Mrs. Gruberson.

There's also been tons of anger about the increase of open male-female relationships. In my mind, there's no debate here: holding hands with the opposite sex is an unnatural act, and is the primary cause for the spread of cooties. You should only hang out with the same gender, and even though I haven't had a chance to ask him, the principal agrees with me. Remember, it's Frodo and Sam, not Frodo and Pam!

Finally, I would like to talk about the proposed ban of invisible guns. Yes, it's true that invisible guns have been the cause of over 20 invisible injuries over the last year. But how can you take away our right to have them? How are we supposed to protect ourselves from kids with pretend bazookas? From invisible ninja robots hiding under the slide? From the Russians?

So when it's time to close our eyes and raise our hands to vote, remember that you want a mature, sophisticated president to represent you, and not a guy like Ollie, who talks like this: (Make farting noise).

Thank you, and bless the 5th Grade!

(Throw speech into the air and fire at it with my invisible Uzi while being like "ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch").

Eric Kester is the author of the bestselling memoir That Book About Harvard: Surviving the World's Most Famous University, One Embarrassment at a Time.