Week One of the 2012 NFL Season is officially in the books, which can only mean one thing: It's time to throw out all those sure-fire predictions you made once the preseason was over and start using all the sights and sounds of the past weekend to reason out how the rest of this season is going to end up. So break out those jump-to-conclusion mats and get ready to overreact to Week One results!
Overreaction #1) Tony Romo has turned the corner
Well, the Giants were always his Achilles heel, right? So the fact that the PGA wannabe won a nationally televised game on the road against the Super Bowl champs clearly proves this 32-year-old quarterback is finally entering his prime... just like they always said he would! Also worthy of assumption: the Rob Ryan defense will prove unsolvable, Dez Bryant will go 22 consecutive weeks without trying to choke his own mother and Jerry Jones is gonna pay off the city of New Orleans so that when the 'Boys do make the Super Bowl, he'll get to host it in Big D. (Side Note: Tom Coughlin has lost his team and should be canned. Bring back Spags!)
Overreaction #2) RGIII is Canton Bound
Oh man, can you believe the Colts took Andrew Luck over this guy? Robert Griffin III beat the New Orleans Saints in the Superdome just a few days after it got hit by a hurricane, which is like calling President Obama a liar in the middle of his State of the Union address; it can happen, but it probably shouldn't. Mike Shanahan is clearly an offensive genius, as is his son Kyle, who obviously knows quarterback development better than anyone in the world. Oh, and Pierre Garcon was apparently the one making Peyton, not the other way around. Just hand the Rookie of the Year award over to Griffin now and get ready for the NFL to implement sock-cape requirements for 2013 (which will naturally feature atrocious GEICO advertisements on them). Cowboys - Redskins NFC Championship Game, here we come.
Overreaction #3) The Saints and the Packers Are Done
Oh, and Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers? Completely overrated. Can't believe the Saints overpaid for a 5-foot-11 33-year-old quarterback. And the Packers? Had they been savvy enough to find a way to draft Alex Smith in the first place over the car insurance salesmen they have in there now, we may have been talking dynasty. Smartest thing they can do now is ask Brett Favre to come back. But there's no way he'd ever consider that...
Overreaction #4) Mike Vick Is The NFL's Worst Quarterback
Man, Andy Reid's play-calling kills offensive momentum faster than Mike Vick killed... okay, yeah, too easy. The guy threw more interceptions against Cleveland than he sold copies of his new auto-biography, a trend that's only gonna end when he inevitably gets hurt. Reid's already proven he'll never win anything, it's fitting he's bet his last dollar on a quarterback who has the same trait. If the Birds want to have any shot this year, they need to give the gig to young Nick Foles, or at the very least bring back Donovan McNabb (or Iverson!). That being said, while Vick may be out the door, bet on Andy to stay; he'll be saved by that unbreakable Juan Castillo defense...
Overreaction #5) The Cam Newton Era Is Over
He should have been on the cover of MADDEN when he had the chance, 'cause this guy is cursed. The Panthers would be wise to go the Tennessee Titans route and cut this Vince Young impersonator before he starts fighting security guards in strip clubs. Jonathan Stewart was clearly this teams MVP last season, and without him, they're doomed. Cam actually threw an interception to Ronde Barder on Sunday, the Jamie Moyer of NFL defensive players (How does he keep getting it done?). Yet despite the inevitable implosion set to go off at the quarterback position in Carolina, this team will still win more games than the Bobcats did.
Overreaction #6) The Kevin Kolb Era Has Just Begun, And It Will Be Good
Trading a second-round draft pick and a pro bowl cornerback just entering his prime for an unproven signal-caller from Houston? Totally worth it. The Kolbinator came off the pine to save the day for the Cards, proving once and for all Arizona features the most brilliantly run franchise in sports. Those pesky injury problems are a thing of the past for Kolb, as are the question marks surrounding his offensive line. And when incumbent starter John Skelton gets healthy, no one will be clamoring for his return. Smooth sailing ahead for Big Red!
Overreaction #7) The Denver Broncos Are Your AFC West Champs
I mean, they did it with Tebow, they'll most certainly be able to do it with a future Hall of Famer whose own team cut him loose for an untested rookie. Bronco Peyton looked like the Peyton of old, which means you can pencil Denver in for an 8-0 start, a 13-3 season, and zero playoff wins. Little known secret about the eleven billion neck surgeries Peyton had last season; they were all designed specifically to ensure he wouldn't choke come January.
Overreaction #8) The New York Jets Offense is the New Greatest Show On Turf
Just like The Sanchize promised, Gang Green was saving all its offense for the regular season, a testament to the fantastic leadership present in their locker room. Expect Mark Sanchez AND Tim Tebow to make the Pro Bowl; Sanchez on apart of leading the NFL in passing yards and Tebow for his phenomenal special teams play. Also, Tony Sparano (who should only be referred to as "Cyclops," because his omnipresent sunglasses are surely holding back his mutant power) is an offensive genius; if Karl Rove and M. Night Shyamalan had a son and he coached football, it would be Sparano. Rex Ryan will get his "great coach" validation when Bill Belichick comes to the Canyon of Heroes to personally kiss his ring, which will produce less-messy results than if Beli-cheat had kissed his sexy feet.
Next Week: The Titans are going 0-16, Jay Cutler locks in his Hall-of-Fame spot, and we all start planning for the Harbaugh Bowl