10/31/2005 04:45 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

“Scalito” Isn’t Racially Insensitive, Drudge. But This is…

So Matt Drudge says the Republicans are up in arms that the nickname used for Judge Samuel Alito, “Scalito,” is racially insensitive. Yeah, I know. But hear this out. Seriously, he quotes a Republican strategist as saying, “If Alito were a liberal there would be no way Democrats and Washington’s media elite would use such a ethnically insensitive nickname. Italian-Americans should not have to face these types of derogatory racial slurs in 21st century America.”

You’ll notice that the Republican strategist didn’t use his name on the record. What a surprise. I wouldn’t put my name with that comment or I’d be known as Stupid Dumbass Blockhead Strategist Eric Schmeltzer. I mean, by those who don’t call me that already.

Far be it from a Democrat like me to teach Republicans what Un-PC is, but here’s a list of REALLY racially insensitive nicknames for Sam Alito. By the way, this comes from a guy who grew up being called the “racially insensitive” nickname, Alka-Schmeltzer, by 5-year olds in elementary school (racially insensitive because, you know, all us Jewish men complain about stomach pains all the time):

- Sam Al-Guido

- Al-Vito Corleone

- Samuel Judge-Ito (offensive because it alludes to the Japanese-Italian connection during World War II)

- Benito Alito

- Judge WOP-ner

- Al-Greedo (offensive to Italians AND alien gangsters who work for Jabba the Hutt)

- Judge Samuel I Don’t Care How Many Dago, Guinea, WOP, Greaseball Goombas Come Out Of The Woodwork, Johnny Fontaine Never Gets That Part!

I’m running out of ideas. But you get the idea (and I hope you see this for the satire it is). “Scalito” has nothing to do with Italian-American heritage, it has to do names of two people who are tied together by their views fitting together well. It’s no more offensive than “Bennifer” was to Puerto Ricans and vapid male actors.

But starting the BUZZ that it is racially offensive suddenly “makes” Judge Alito an underprivileged and abused minority. So that’s where this “Republican Strategist” is coming from. Clearly it’s an attempt to make up something to fill the void left by not nominating a woman or minority. Problem with trying to make people think the Democrats are racially insensitive is that Republicans have kind of cornered the market on showing racial insensitivity in words (see “Trent Lott”) and in practice (see everything since the late 70s).

So nice try unknown, off-the-record, Drudge source, but I’m still gonna have to call you the Stupid Dumbass Blockhead Mystery Strategist.