We are living in a world of failed expectations, especially given the present economic crisis. Losing fortunes, billionaires kill themselves; others have their homes foreclosed; others lose their investments, their retirement funds, their life savings and their jobs. Would it be safe to say none of these expected to suffer loss, and that
their actual expectations were quite different??
Not only do we tend to expect to have basic needs met in a civil society, but one also tends to expect that certain conditions will yield happiness. If I get a high-paying job and a big house and car, I will be happy. The false presumption is that we will find the happiness we seek in the next brainstorm or fantasy, in money, in another person, in a vacation to Tahiti, in a new project, a church, an ideology, whatever. It doesn't pan out, or if it does, it doesn't last. So we diligently run on to the next pipe dream, thinking, "This time, I will make it work!"
Expectations can be just as badly bound up in more immediate concerns, the desire to be seen or loved, and the demand that other people live up to their obligations or promises. People let us down and screw up, or even deliberately mislead and take advantage of us. For me, part of the way of not giving in to the impulse of seeking my own safety and security in other people is to remember how often I have screwed up, put myself first, not met my most basic obligations to other people, and let other people down. We often do not live up to all of our obligations ourselves, yet we expect others to meet theirs and if they fail, we show no grace or leniency. More than that, we often create expectations from other people that are unrealistic, and that they are not in reality obligated to fulfill, then become angry when they do not meet them.
One shouldn't focus expectations, therefore, on a person or a group of people, on a pastor or bishop or teacher, but on Christ. This is easier to say, of course, than to do. I have often met people who have left the Church, disavowed Christ, or gone on their way into something else because they are disillusioned due to scandal, or because some person in a position of authority or a group of people let them down, or didn't meet their expectations, whether reasonable or unrealistic. But if we, as Fr. Thomas Hopko advises, "expect only to be tempted to our very last breath", the failures of others would not have such an effect. False or misplaced expectations can have devastating consequences.
On a basic level, we expect to not be hurt by other people. I once heard a monk say that when someone says an unkind word or treats you badly it is a wound that cannot be avoided, and should be acknowledged as such. It isn't something to repress or pretend isn't there. One is inflicted, one is wounded. But he said that at this point, you have a choice: you can judge the person who has wounded you by thinking such thoughts as, "he's not a very good person", or "I didn't deserve that", which is unproductive and not helpful. Or, he said, you can turn the infliction into a pathway to the heart, and in prayer, use the energy of the wound to pray, not in self-righteousness, but with heartfelt urgency, "Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner." This, he indicated, strengthens the spirit, and encourages one's own heart to love even his enemy, the level of love to which Christ calls his disciples.
False expectations are built upon the assumption that we deserve certain deserts. I expect certain things from other people, or certain things to happen for me, because I think I deserve it. I believe I deserve it because I think I am something I am not.
So although I may have reasonable expectations bound up in human dignity -- such as to be able to eat, to be able to work and live without being violated, to have access to health care and the freedom to live in a non-hostile environment and to give and receive mutual respect from my neighbors -- it is naive and foolish to hold onto these in an absolute or demanding way. It is naive and foolish because the world is in a state of ruin, and although redeemed and liberated by Christ, the process of its eschatological realization is slow. And though one may reasonably expect others to keep their promises and fulfill their obligations, it isn't reasonable for one's security or happiness to be based upon that kind of expectation. Things happen. People have problems, circumstances change. We die. Sanity involves accounting for this and cutting other people slack.
Certainly, some expectations are perfectly reasonable; but there are many expectations, I think, that arise from an elevated sense of the self; they surface from self-absorption and pride. If we are humble, which means nothing more than having a real view of ourselves, we will expect nothing but to be tempted, per Fr. Thomas, until our very last breath. On another level, of course, there is tremendous expectation in the life of faith, but it is all invested in God, not in less trustworthy circumstances, or in people, or in human institutions, or even in ourselves.
To see ourselves in light of our own frailties and mistakes, our passionate proclivities, makes it easier to forgive when others let us down. That is the more responsible path. In the gospel of Luke, Jesus says, "those who have been forgiven much, love much." When others fail us, it's an opportunity to forgive. When we forgive others, we find forgiveness for ourselves, and when forgiven, we are liberated to love others, even our enemies. No one expects much from his enemy, which makes love all the more powerful, a love expecting nothing in return. If we have that same love for people who are our friends as well, there is no greater happiness than this.
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I also liked your point about what it means to be humble: to realize exactly who we are and to not cover it up at all. It takes a lot of courage to face our authentic and true selves.
"...although I may have reasonable expectations bound up in human dignity -- such as to be able to eat, to be able to work and live without being violated, to have access to health care and the freedom to live in a non-hostile environment and to give and receive mutual respect from my neighbors -- it is naive and foolish to hold onto these as if my life depended on them."
Uhhhh....last I heard, your life DOES depend on having access to food and healthcare, not to mention shelter.
I have a suggestion, since you want everyone to "Let go and let jesus:" don't eat or drink anything, live outdoors without shelter, and just PRAY. Real hard. See if jesus will really NOT let you down.
Your blog reaffirms for me one of the reasons I dislike religion: it encourages people not to take personal responsibility for their actions by NOT letting other people down. They only have to offer lip service to an invisible being in the sky to be 'forgiven.' I believe that my actions and those of other people do matter, and that if we consistently treat others as we would like to be treated (sounds suspiciously like the 'golden rule), we should have very little for which to be forgiven. When I do fail, I believe in asking the person whom I have hurt for forgiveness, not some mythical pal in the sky.
Though I am still mulling whether it is actually unproductive to think "I didn't deserve that", I feel that the weight of hope we place in others is always shown in starkest relief by hurt/disappointment.
The wisdom of the monk you've quoted probably most directly corresponds to this reality: "Lord, forgive me for so stubbornly placing my hope and dependence on others. The level of this hurt and bewilderment teach me how far still must travel."