Being a divorced parent means being a single parent. One of the most fundamental reasons for the breakdown of a marriage is loss of empathy for a spouse. It can therefore come as quite a shock to newly single dads as to just how difficult it can be to raise kids on your own. Not every guy can slip effortlessly into his new-found responsibilities. Even worse -- we're scared to ask for help (probably for the same reason we refuse to ask for directions when we're driving despite being hopelessly lost). In no particular order, here are some general tips around the whole experience that I've found useful. As always, when it comes to being a parent there are no rules except for giving love and following your instincts as every relationship, every kid, and every parent are unique.
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And after reading the responses here continue to realize that either sex can check out of a marriage and push family away. Whether you are a man or a woman - bless you for putting your children first, keeping your pants on, waiting some time to date or introduce a new adult to your children. I know it isn't easy. The bruised ego wants a new partner right away, but those feelings fade. I am three years divorced, single dad. My ex remarried quickly and I think my girls are OK with it, but they do recognize that mom and dad went about post divorce life a little differently.
I was thrilled because I wanted Em to live with me. Couldn't have faced not seeing her for much of the time. That sentence by my wife was also the worst of times because it meant that: Emily was going to feel huge rejection and that her mom was emotionally way off balance.
I managed never to bad mouth mom in front of Em and thankfully now mom and daughter have a much better relationship. I didn't want Em to lose her mother daughter relationship forever and she didn't. On the other hand I haven't spoken to my former spouse in over 2 years.
I'm taking that a a good bargain and the best I could do.
Good luck out there all single parents of either gender. May you be given the power of foregiveness.
BB
I had of raising my son and daughter as a single dad! Once we fell into our
new "groove", life was pretty great. One bit of advice for a dad with a daughter:
Make some adult female friends (not girlfriends) that you can ask for help
when needed. Example, my daughter wanted to have a sleepover of her and
half a dozen 14 year old's, well, no way that was going to happen without
having an adult female to keep an eye on things! Yes, I could have
had her mother over, but then it would have been even more uncomfortable.
Also, an extra hand for house cleaning that you need to pay a reasonable
amount for can be a huge help, and there are lot's of women who can use
a bit of extra cash and enjoy helping with the kids, I had no shortage of
available "rent a mom's" for lack of a better term.. Plus it helped with
rebuilding my neglected social skills! Good Luck guys!
Good, positive, practical tips.
But I have to say:
I never understood why my ex seemed to be snowed under.
Once I became the primary...I was even more puzzled, because contrary to the popular notion, life became better. More organized, more directed and more fun.
Gone was the clutter, the fast food, most of the tv...and all of the weight.
My daughter turned into her own person...I think...just by streamlining our lives.
1) Your backpack is your responsibility: homework, cell phone, glasses etc. need to be in there. In short, you have to have your stuff. This will be true for the rest of your life.
2) Pick up after yourself and keep your room together, now you know where everything is and should be. Respect where you live.
3) You can post your art anywhere in the house.
4) We do homework, together, as it comes in and not they day before it's due.
5) Yes you can play video games but we're also going to toss a ball and talk about your day for at least half an hour.
6) Tell you daughter she is beautiful and smart every day. Because she is.
7) Tell your son you're proud of him when he succeeds and talk about what happened.
8) Ask their opinions when choosing things that affect them and ask why they think so.
9) Travel - it's a big world, know of it what you can and realize how little each of us do.
After reading your post and others from amazing Dad's...I just have to question the commonly parroted dogma...that women are the best parents.
Find the movie "Stepmom". Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts.
Your issue is one of the main issues in the movie.
As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family with a depressed father who was verbally and emotionally abusive, it would have been far better for my mother to have divorced him.
I base that comment on how happy all of us were when he wasn't home, and how we dreaded his arrival every day.